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Tweaker Confessions

Tweaker Confessions

by Bianca Fernandes / 20.09.2010

Who’d have thought after 18 years searching for happiness, I’d find it on the lid of a gritty Gandalf’s toilet? In a neatly lined up pile of crystal meth, speed indeed.

I’d wanted to be “an adventurer” since seeing The Muppets Treasure Island as a kid and became a kind of junkie Jim Hawkins, talking to hallucinated puppets, snorting up the contents of a little see-through treasure chest in my back pocket.

A line or two and social insecurities that alcohol couldn’t fix were demolished. No more awkwardness or fear. Just (im)pure focus. The need to be grown up was perversely achieved by my new self-designation: drug user. Being-an-addict. A succumber to experiences nothing legal could apparently offer me.
Escaping cookie cutter suburban life. Being bad enough to get attention from everyone who had ignored the “normal” me. Acting on a craving to throw all privilege gave me (education, spending money, leather jackets) back in it’s face and shout ‘look at me now, you don’t control me anymore’.

My coming-of-age story is a drug story. It feels like it’s the best story I’ve got. Or the only one so far. But life is long. We’ll see. Looking back, at 19, as a clear-headed, therapy-washed version of an ex-tweaker, the best thing about drugs, besides the bliss of a high and the molten loss of control, the best thing it gave me, was loosing my socially instilled materialism. All that shit.

Goods mean nothing. Fashion, technology, health, news. All the touchstones of consumption – it all means nothing when you’re addicted. You see right through the blare of promotion. The injunction to consume. There’s only one product you’re interested in. Your fix. It’s a brilliant paring down: addiction. Reducing desire to a fatal, futile singularity.

Most of the time you mean nothing to yourself. You disappear. A raggedy assed flesh puppet loving one thing so much everything else fades away. No responsibility but your need. It’s an empty sort of ultra freedom I’ve never experienced again. The thrill of it only doubling the trap you’re in. A fever that holds on for the rest of your life.

The night I met a dealer my heart was set. A bankie of browny mush in my hand and no idea what to do with it. Weed wasn’t mending my broken heart over a love lost – so fuck it. Booze wasn’t working either. It was chemical time and I knew it.

‘Just 3 times’, I told myself. The holy trinity. Try it thrice. That won’t hurt. I’m too strong minded to get into drugs. Much like sex, the first time sucked. The second time was so much better and by the 3rd time, when mushy brown heroin became powdery white crystals, I was in love.

Weekend users become more regular users within a month. 2 trips a week into dirty Obs drug land turns into daily stops. It’s a drug life and it’s fantastic while it’s on your side – but when things fall apart, they fall fast and after sleepless weeks and an empty bank account, you’re left with the ashes of your former life and a gaping hole in your soul.

When you’re awake for days, running on nothing but meth and the odd glass of water, things slow down. A drop from a tap takes an hour to fall. Everything is staggered by slow-motion timing. Underwater perception. Drone reveries. Colour blurs, skin tingles and burns. Suddenly you’re Haley Joel Osment seeing people that don’t exist. Dead cats on the dancefloor. Familiar voices on the wind. Creepy shit. Everyday life turns gothic. Poe meets Lovecraft at the supermarket. You can’t keep it together. Weirdness spills all over you.

You know you’re going crazy. You know you’re lost when it takes crystal lines and beer just to meet the sun. But that’s done. Or it goes on not happening. So far. I’m back to me. Fuck the Muppets.

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RESPONSES (36)
  1. Renee de Villiers says:

    This is so honest and well written.

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  2. Doctor L. says:

    Dope.

    Would have liked to have this longer. I feel like could have just kept reading.

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  3. Alyn says:

    So tired of people screwing up their lives on drugs, then writing their “See? Nancy Reagan was right!” stories and spoiling it for the rest of us…
    The “Keep It Tidy” generation also deserve a voice.

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  4. States The Obvious says:

    The Keep it Tidy generation has a voice, it’s just boring.

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  5. Alyn says:

    And the “I thought I could handle drugs but mother was right” brigade is offering a fresh new perspective?

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  6. States The Obvious says:

    Dude. Just because something has said once doesn’t mean everyone has heard it.

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  7. Anonymous says:

    Yes. every perspective is a new perspective. you’ll never know unless you’ve been there.

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  8. mimi says:

    I’m proud of u! Well written.. 🙂

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  9. Anonymous says:

    Almost worth it for the inoculation against rabid commercialism that is the drug of the ‘straight’ people. I think the planet would be better off if more people fucked up their bodies instead of the earth.

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  10. Nikki says:

    good story, pity about the poor spelling. “loosing my …”
    Cm’on Mister editor!

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  11. Anonymous says:

    Very well written. The adventure and the memories of your drug induced state will never leave you, but the memories of your sober life will bring joy to you more often then you know.
    It’s good that you have shared this with people, many will be thankful that you are brave enough to tell your story. Keep up the good writing. 🙂

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  12. Fellow addict says:

    An awesome reminder of the horror I have left behind. Thank you, and keep it clean, one day at a time.

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  13. Brett says:

    Fuck the Muppets!? This is an outrage!

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  14. Bonzo says:

    Brilliant…

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  15. Greg says:

    “you’ll never know unless you’ve been there”

    I’m sick of this line. I’ve never tried drugs, but how about living through the hell of having a flatmate that becomes an addict, goes through an entire personality change, starts eating your food and stealing your stuff to buy drugs.

    I had to start locking my door when he was home, and eventually had to move out because some of his buddies who came to crash at our place never left.

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  16. States The Obvious says:

    Well then Greg, I guess you know because, y’know, you’ve been there.

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  17. Raiven says:

    More of a confession than a story, but what you state is true, even to myself who has never been into hard drugs. I can still identify with your former plight from smoking too much weed and taking too much liquid acid.

    Thanks for writing this, it’s a good reminder of life.

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  18. THX says:

    Alyn,
    I’m so bored of fascist cynics such as yourself.
    Rather than anything insightful you’ve proved
    how small your bigot brain is you knobnut.

    THX

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  19. dylanjohn says:

    Oh sad, you saw the dark side..ooooh…now you fine..oooh.

    Get the fuck out here with your happy little tales, why not tell the readersthe truth of how if your single parent doesn’t have enough money to pay for a private rehab, the police will put the addict in a 7 days state rehab, because 7 days will help a basehead come right, right? and then when the addict wants to break in a steal all your shit the whole time, then they will give you a interdict, so that your daughter can live on the streets and wont be able to come near your flat, else they will put her in jail. But out of sight is out of mind right?

    Come on, you shouldnt be punting this become a junkie, get better tales. Tell the reality not one in mil fucking white fairytales

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  20. Dr. Benway says:

    Amateur. My associate William Lee could teach you a thing or three

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  21. TVR says:

    @dylanjohn; Is this a ‘who can tell the most fucked up story competition’? This is her personal experience, if she was to write something else, something more horrific that would meet up with your standard of truly sad; THAT WOULD BE A FAIRYTALE. If there’s a story you want told, then you tell it.
    @Dr Benway; Come now good doctor, if shooting your wife in the head is your ticket to these secret teachings I really think they can be left well alone now.

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  22. dylanjohn says:

    @ TVR

    You ignorant. These you can become a addict and then everything gets better stories, don’t help anything to do with drugs, because most of the people in OUR country dont have the funds to go to a nice rehab, and the government doesnt do shit to help addicts. You would think Roger would know better.

    go troll someone else dumbshit

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  23. TVR says:

    She’s giving an account of what happened to her. She’s not here to keep people off drugs. Anyone who can justify their drug abuse issues through this story is deluded. She’s not trying to “help anything to do with drugs.” I’m not familiar with the mindset of an addict but i think if they had examples of people who overcame addiction (regardless of how far removed from their social situation) it would influence them more positively then the majority of stories out there which rub their faces in the hopelessness of their plight. I also think that for you to want government intervention in the drug problem just shows your lack of understanding in the issue. You’re trying to cure the symptom instead of the deep social issues which are at the heart of the problem.

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  24. dylanjohn says:

    what do you mean

    ‘I also think that for you to want government intervention in the drug problem just shows your lack of understanding in the issue.’

    i hope you kid becomes a basehead.

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  25. TVR says:

    I hope that one day you won’t be so spiteful. I hope that one day you are respected and have respect for others. I hope one day you let go of this issue you have and find acceptance for things as they are. Basically I hope you can stop being such a dick.

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  26. Anonymous says:

    “hopelessness of their plight”

    that the real issue my dude.

    thats the reality.

    ok im done, nite nite

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  27. Roger Young says:

    Okay, you two, simmer down.

    A: When you’re on the streets and you want intervention, any intervention, you don’t give a fuck about the larger social issues.

    B: This is what happened to Bianca, this is how she chooses to express it. It has no intended purpose beyond that.

    C: Self Destructive behavior becomes a comfort zone, it gets to a point, no matter whether you’re in a bedroom in your parents suburban house or in a cardboard box in Hillbrow, that it’s just too much effort to change. You’re faced with a choice, Change or Die and quite frankly you’re too busy having a pity party to know the difference. Sometimes a story like this can illustrate that change is possible and sometimes that can help someone see that they don’t have to go all the way to the very fucking bottom before they are allowed to turn around.

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  28. dylanjohn says:

    Ok Roger, so how does a person get out of a heavy crack addiction without a cent for rehab?

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  29. Roger Young says:

    I wish I had easy answers for you. Hit me up on Facebook and I’ll try give you some methods, pointers, advice and all that. But you know what the first thing I’m going to say is right?

    NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS.

    Get Thee Ass To A Meeting.

    (Now, I don’t fully subscribe to the NA method but I tell you this, it is the best starting point to getting clean)

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  30. Anonymous says:

    @ dylanjohn
    It is possible to fight a drug addiction without the help of a wealthy rehab and cash flow from the parents. When i had to get off drugs, i had no choice…the fellow druggies i had put me in a situation where i was unable to carry on with my drug using, and yes, i have been through these many “horror” stories of drug addiction. Friends with heroin addictions that they stoled themselves for drugs, ended up pregnant at the age of 15 and then saw no other way out then to commit suicide, and these were the “rich” druggies, the ones that go to privileged rehab centers. What we know is that many people can get over addiction without the help of these centers, its a frikking hard thing to do, but they have a good family support system, what we also know is that people abuse the rehab centers and are forced into them, where money is wasted because they do not believe in what is being taught in the centers. Many time’s family support is not enough for some people and they live with there demons everyday.
    This article is not a “dont do drugs” or “keep it tidy” advertisement, it is just a story on the account of Bianca’s life, and im sure there are many more “horror” stories that she can share with you, but chooses not to.

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  31. mike says:

    Drugs are nice. Drugs are bad when you take too much.

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  32. Prof. Marx says:

    “…was losing my socially instilled materialism…” not “…was loosing my socially instilled materialism…”
    Stay off the drugs and develop your writing skills – hack

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  33. Andy says:

    eish prof marx… such an esteemed visitor to the site picking up on such a silly grammatical spelling error… i must take the blame for the sloppy editing. Bianca can shoulder her share for writing so “loosely”.

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  34. THX says:

    Dear dylanjohn,

    http://na.org.za/

    P.S You too are a knobnut, maybe an even bigger one.

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  35. brandon edmonds says:

    ‘loosing my socially instilled materialism’ actually works too in the context of addiction @prof. marx – as in letting it loose an a product whose chemical innards, whose reactive materiality one craves beyond reason (schooled yo).

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  36. BhutiMadlisaThaCockroach says:

    Great writing. very dope, FUCK THE MUPPETS

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