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The End is Naai

by Liz Vercueil, image by Billy Pineapples / 19.02.2010

I don’t want to survive the end of the world. Let’s pretend, for a moment, that the end really is nigh. Let’s suspend disbelief and accept as fact that the Mayans were right.

The world ends in 2012 and most of us will kick the bucket in roughly two years. Since I’m thinking of buying a house this kind of short term future prediction affects my risk assessment, so I thought I’d look into it.

I discovered that there may be more supporting this whole extinction event theory than apocalyptic conspiracy theory and the drug induced visions of a civilisation that didn’t make it. Admittedly, I saw some of it on TV, but it was on Discovery, so it seems fairly plausible. And here it is…

Apparently, in 2012, briefly, planet Earth will experience the first solar alignment in 50 000 years. I say ‘briefly’ because there’s a distinct possibility that everything that weighs more than 25 kg and is not hiding in a lead-sealed bunker, will be incinerated.

Why? You ask. And what’s this solar alignment thang?

The solar alignment is an astronomical event. This basically means it runs on a clock. Due to the earth and her fellow planets’ orbit around the sun and all manner of other factors these things can be tracked, say the dudes that stare into the great void and understand maths.

So what’ll happen? Basically from the earth’s perspective, the planets will line up in a neat row with the sun. And then it will begin… Zing! (I can’t help but be suitably dramatic about this part). We will be bombarded with basically the biggest motherfucker of a solar flare ever. Solar radiation will scream through space and our life giving, worshipped sun will devour us, like an angry god.

Not that we’re strangers to solar radiation. The mystical northern lights are a visual manifestation of radiation-soaked solar wind rubbing up against our magnetic field. But this baby’s going to make the Aurora Borealis look like a wet noodle.

Periods of high solar flare activity already affect human behaviour, it seems. More people have heart attacks, traffic descends into even more chaos as accidents shoot up, more people get shot and more dude’s beat the living shit out of their wives.

Deliverance World

So here we are. It’s 2012 and the alignment has begun. If we haven’t already been nuked to a crisp, we’re probably massacring each other in panic and foul temper. And if we don’t all get incinerated in a screaming blaze, all electronic equipment gives up the ghost. Electricity fails, fresh water starts running out and we burst out in open sores and vomit all over the show from radiation sickness.

Now that’s just nasty so I’m going with the rapid-expiration-by-flame theory for expediency. So, everything heavier than 25 kg gets nuked. Poof. Except, of course, those paranoid freaks that had the forethought to build themselves bunkers and stockpiled baked beans, ammo, flares, diesel generators and such.

So our post apocalyptic earth will be ruled by gun loons, cockroaches, orphaned children and rats.

I suspect I may just, on the day, throw a beach towel and some shades in a bag and head for the beach to watch it roll in. It may just be a  better call.

Illustration courtesy and © Billy Pineapples. Contact him here and check out more of his steez here.

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