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My Whack-Off Universe

My Whack-Off Universe

by Brandon Edmonds / 01.09.2009

WARNING: Subject matter involves sex, porn and other savouries…
Masturbation has a bad rap. It is unfairly festooned with loser and ‘get a life’ connotations when really its as natural and necessary as hoping the next Arcade Fire release will be better than the last one. With my friends getting married and everyone hooked up, I masturbate in angry defiance of the species injunction to pair off. Hell, it’s a rebel yell for independence and free thought, a pledge to avoid the dumb corral of coupledom. Yeah, that isn’t true. I whack off because it feels good and I’m chronically alone. Like you. The only thing that differentiates us, fiddlers and palm addicts, is what we whack off to. So given that we now have to register our sim cards as cell phone users (part of the post-Bush 911 bullshit wave of civil liberty curtailment) so the State can listen in and track us down, I’m going to ‘come clean’ about my most intimate habit – and, disgusted, maybe they’ll me leave alone.

The greatest porn I ever downloaded had a ‘lolitamodels.com’ banner in the bottom right hand corner. I’d love to find it again. A born again Christian once fixed my computer and erased it. Lord, it was good porn. This yankee stud travels to a barrio in Mexico to find the hottest lolita on earth. He treats it like an expedition complete with a stupendously endowed ebony sidekick. Excited, he finds her. A dripping peach of a lolita in a raggedy summer dress with long peroxide hair and the kind of tight, immaculate body that sandblasts reason and restraint. She invites them in to her home in pert, confident Spanish. She seems amused. This makes her hotter.
The Yank is beside himself. The geopolitical and historical implications of ‘the rape of the South’ and all that shit only makes it hotter, too. He unclothes her and presents her to us, the onanists, unveils her to us like a prize. She holds our gaze with the easygoing pride of the beautiful. Her vagina is loveliness incarnate. Her true breasts are firm and heavy, lick-able wonders. Her ass is ridiculous – as if a convention of erotic cartoonists got together for a month of Sundays to conjure ‘the sublime Ass, an Ass supreme’. Round, golden and firm. I remember the breath rushing from my body in a kind of mangled cry of devotion upon seeing that ass. She suckles the Yank without any faux porn-star gusto. It’s efficient sucking, nice enough, like a real person doing it. She’s no doubt being paid but treating the spectacle like an actual date. This only makes it hotter. The Yank has to win her voice. She’s silent initially. Guided by him. Naturally alert. No automated porn yelping here. Only her eyes signal her slow dawning pleasure. Again her curious passivity is inflaming. Needless to say the Yank has her in every possible way and at one point the ebony sidekick joins in and this barrio goddess outdoes them both. Dripping with their climax, her locks pressed to her damp forehead, heaving, she looks the Americans over with a sporting air, like ‘orale pendejo’s that was OK, but nothing to blog about’ and then presumedly she tidies up and leaves to do the shopping and tell her friends.

So lolita’s are a big part of my whack off universe. The mainstay even. Young women new to their bodies and powers. Sometimes you can actually see the moment when they realize, ‘hey I’m hot enough to never have to work at Daddy’s paint store again!’. I love that moment. The internet has swept up lolita’s in their thousands from around the world, a whirlwind of cutesy panties and willing mouths, and given them to us. For a technology steeped in military R&D,
the Net was conceived as a fallback post-nuclear communication plan, I’d like to stand up and salute, here’s to the swollen US Defence budget, at least its good for something besides murder and mayhem.

My whack off universe would be a poorer place without the Japanese. Oh my… the Japanese.
A people to whom outlandish kink and runaway filth are just a bit of fun in the off hours between working late and slurping ramen. The whole Judeo-Christian guilt complex has no purchase over there. It has no power to judge. So just about anything goes. Anyway, my most beloved bit of Japanese porn has its own genre: Tea Lady porn or S&M Office Romance. The Tea Lady is a feature of Japan’s sexist corporate world. She’s just out of school or college and basically operates as a latter day geisha without the twangy music or elaborate kimono. She serves tea and makes small talk. She minces around the office in mini-skirts and looks fabulous even at the end of the day. She might even fax something. It’s a husband she wants and after staring at her for weeks as she bends to pick up yet another strategically dropped pencil, it’s a husband she gets. The Tea Lady! The clip I love involves a boss insisting a new Tea Lady slip a vibrating egg you know where and go about her business. He idly fires the egg at random and she just about drops to her knees. She’s beautiful. Lithe and tall, immaculately dressed, with haughty features, keen eyes and lustrous hair. It’s a thrill to see her composure go squiggly each time. They go at it and she maintains the ritual deference accorded authority figures which only makes it hotter. Utterly acquiescent and demure, she nevertheless gets the hell into it.
Her formal skirt hoisted over her waist, her spilled milk skin aflame, her button down shirt unbuttoned, her small perfect breasts aroused, her underthings askew, all devastating in the context of the faceless, lifeless office.

Lolita’s, Tea Ladies…what else?

Classic 70s porn. Oh man. This stuff is essential. Firstly, it was all shot on film. Film means the image has grain, texture, flecks and tears. This makes everything seem more illicit. It gives porn the dark fascination of the Zapruder film. Plus the hairstyles and the fashion, there was something about the late 70s and early 80s, a kind of raunchy aesthetic that was already part porn. Women with cherry red lips and hot pants, decadent perms and rollerskates. Women with outsize, unruly bushes. Women yet to give in to sillicone. Cheery, upbeat women dripping with consent. Just about the best classic clip I’ve ever seen is from a series called Taboo which launched ‘incest porn’ and ‘the family lay’ genre. Dorothy Le May, a porn icon as revered as Greta Garbo, with a name just as made up, is a miraculous looking baby doll blonde. She’s soft all over and green eyed and just a teeming marvel of sex signifiers! We meet her on a hot suburban night as she works her teddy between her legs. It doesn’t begin to answer her needs so she steals into her parents room and frees Daddy from his pj’s. He’s naturally taken aback but Le May’s pink willing mouth soon unmakes propriety, and Mom sleeps alongside as she mounts her Pop. It’s a hot, fraught, tender, appalling lay – everything porn should be.

Image courtesy and © Jason Bronkhorst

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  1. The Drugs Don't Work says:

    Nice one Marilyn Manson.

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  2. Andy says:

    Just in case you think we don’t apply our minds to publishing these things…

    Andy: Hey Brandon, I’m a bit concerned about publishing that wanking piece

    Brandon: I think you shouldn’t hesitate to publish this shit. It’s sex. It’s the truth. It’s natural.

    Andy: Hmmm, OK.

    Brandon: Are you really gonna run it? Jesus. Good for you for finding your inner Larry Flynt!

    Andy: I think I need to take a shower now.

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  3. The PC Polisie says:

    I’m just thankful there were no picures of the author at “work”

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  4. Leisure Suit Larry says:

    Who’s the cockhead on the right?

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  5. Joerg says:

    What an inspiring read – thanks!

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  6. Schoolmaster Jack says:

    All good. You wank. Awesome!

    But, come on! Where’s the editorial hand? I mean… “lolita’s”?

    Plural vs possessive, it’s not that difficult. Call it hair-splitting, but these little glitches are a bit like a boom mic poking into the frame; they’re distracting and sloppy. Which is fine, for a freebie fanzine, but not great for a promising publication which could so easily fill a massive gap in the market.

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  7. Eugenides says:

    I will never shake you by the hand again

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  8. Andy says:

    we’re working on it Schoolmassa! We’re a promising publication without a sub… We’ll be getting one soon

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  9. djf says:

    For the record, Schoolmaster Jack and I are NOT the same people.

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  10. djf says:

    although he may correct me and insist on “person”

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  11. Leisure Suit Larry says:

    School Master Jack-off, you mean.

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  12. Jason Bronkhorst, © says:

    What this reminds me of is those days before TV remotes when you happened to watch Dallas with the folks. You’d be mashing down on your man meat while watching Sue Ellen traipse around Southfork, boozed to the gills.
    My dad would sometimes ask me to change the channel and I’d have to do the leopard crawl thing to the TV and back, cos my boner’s poking out of my Pooh Bear jammies.

    Or even worse when my folks rented Fatal Attraction on VHS and didn’t realise it was some ‘core pomping, so halfway through Glenn Close getting doddled I was told to go over and shut the fucken machine off, with my raging pre-pube cockstand loud and proud.


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  13. djf says:

    Something about Andy’s ongoing explanation for the grammatical and other language gaffs on this site does not make sense to me. If Mahala publishes two articles on average per day and each of them takes no longer than five minutes to read, why is a separate sub-editor required in order to address the quality of what is published? Are Andy & Roger that busy with other stuff that they can’t find a few minutes to do some basic quality control – or is there a myriad other considerations of which I as an outsider am totally unaware?

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  14. Roger Young says:

    There are a myriad of other considerations. Well, two.
    One. The site is financed by Andy’s day job which he’s always doing, and the uploading and crap admin stuff, so he’s always too frazzled to notice.
    And two, I suck at punctuation.

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  15. Jason Bronkhorst, © says:

    it’s myriad, not a myriad.

    Rog and djf, you both fail. And by extension – Andy, who’s getting an invoice for this subbing effort.

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  16. djf says:

    From thefreedictionary.com

    Usage Note: Throughout most of its history in English myriad was used as a noun, as in a myriad of men. In the 19th century it began to be used in poetry as an adjective, as in myriad men. Both usages in English are acceptable, as in Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s “Myriad myriads of lives.” This poetic, adjectival use became so well entrenched generally that many people came to consider it as the only correct use. In fact, both uses in English are parallel with those of the original ancient Greek. The Greek word mrias, from which myriad derives, could be used as either a noun or an adjective, but the noun mrias was used in general prose and in mathematics while the adjective mrias was used only in poetry.

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  17. Roger Young says:

    Don’t fuck wit djf.

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  18. Jason Bronkhorst, © says:

    Copy and paste don’t mean shit, djf. So we’re all right, which means we’re alright.

    If anything you’ve proven that you like reading and correcting, and thus instead of nitpicking and making noise about grammar and spelling etc, I suggest you offer your services as Mahala’s new sub.
    Congrats, welcome aboard! Lesley over here will show you round. Just mark all your yoghurts properly when you stick em in the office fridge.

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  19. djf says:

    Actually, based on that nitpicky c&p don’t-mean-shit evidence I suspect that I’m the only one who was wrong (missing the ‘of’ or erroneously including the ‘a’ – you can’t have it both ways). Therefore, I’m probably the last person anyone would want as a sub. But don’t worry, I already have a job and can afford my own yoghurt.

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  20. Eugenides says:

    How ironic that this article has generated so many masturbatory responses that have nothing to do with the subject matter.

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  21. Another nitpicker says:

    Great piece, but just have to say too that the constant sloppy editing is letting you ous down. Keep up the good work, but no more excuses, use MS Word with spell checker at least before posting.

    its (line 3) –> it’s, for example.

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  22. BILLY says:


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  23. Misty Beethoven says:

    pure genius! now here’s a man who plumbs the depths of the sexual psyche with a fierce fecund poetry not seen since bataille wrote “story of the eye”. someone give this guy a publishing deal already he makes houllebecq look like beatrix potter. ne’er has the deliriously dark nether region of the imaginiation been illumed with such sweet light as might bounce off the buttocks of aphrodite herself!!

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  24. brandonedmonds says:

    Why thanks Misty! I am currently in talks with Kwela books over a volume of post-Romantic onanist verse but they refuse to photoshop my penis bigger for the cover…

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  25. Graeme Feltham says:

    Was this also written by Zero? If you haven’t realised in your teens that jerking off is a jolly good activity now’s a good time to google “self-castration kit”. Keep on beating your meat.

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  26. Jebus says:

    Your going to hell the whole lot of yous

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  27. Misty Beethoven says:

    Which is where we’ll see you, “Jebus,” while we’re eating your gouged-out eyeballs from the cunts of virgin nuns.

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  28. don juan and the chorus of lost souls says:

    group wank!

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  29. Graeme Feltham says:

    Steering this conversation back to a realistic dimension, beating your meat allows for escapism from the hell we are all already inhabiting, while all orgasm – however cum by -floods your body with endorphins enabling you to deal a little easier with the abberant constructs of The Confederacy of Dunces. The sad truth is no one can ever reduce to humane and human proportions the ongoing bureacratic onslaught which exists if you exist today. One way of fucking with that which you perecive to be fucking with you is to fuck or wank or … even coma patients have been known to orgasm. Drugs are another route but most lack the requisite understading of their own bodies for me to ever recommend that path.

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  30. Graeme Feltham says:

    Or you could join your local Virgin Gym for your endorphin dose. But it’s probably better to jog up and down your street because uncoupling from Virgin is bureaucratic hell.

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  31. Whatever says:

    e.g. The book/movie….Choke

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  32. Michelle says:

    I’m an adult female who just got into internet porn recently. I have to agree with the author on every point. Interesting and weird porn is a million times hotter to me than all the identical videos where a guy who is too well hung porks a cookie cutter blond. I like historical smut where they wear period costumes. It amuses me. I might check out that teahouse thing too. Hee hee.

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  33. bahumbugga says:

    Eugenides, my man, I go you one better: I’ve never pressed the flesh with this maniac, suspecting from the first that he was ritually unclean & porn-bevok. I’m a happy man today, very happy.

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