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An open letter to the Guardian Deity of the Planet

An open letter to the Guardian Deity of the Planet

by Dave Durbach / 17.06.2010

Dear Dear Leader,

Being the tireless and hard-working ruler of the greatest nation in the world, forever with the wellbeing of your loyal people in mind, you may have been sleeping or working at 3am on Thursday morning and thus may not have had the chance to be watching TV. As I’m sure you are aware, the national football team of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea (DPRK) began their World Cup campaign against Brazil on a cold night in Johannesburg. I hope you will forgive me, Fatherly Leader of all Koreans, for taking the liberty to divulge some details from the match for your benefit.

Let me begin by saying how clear it is that the spirit of 1966 lives on today. At a press conference the day before the game, coach Kim Jong-Hun told the world that he had very vivid memories of that World Cup, when DPRK showed the world what a great and powerful nation we are. You will recall that thanks largely to the encouragement of your immortal father, Eternal President Kim Il-Sung, our team managed to progress to the quarter-finals. (This of course means that DPRK has one of the best World Cup records of any team in the world). Coach Kim said “At that time, I was ten years old. When I heard, my parents and everyone was very happy, very proud, and very envious. I realized that football could inspire people of my country, that is what inspired me to become the national coach.”

Coach Kim revealed that before the team departed from Pyongyang, you graciously permitted some surviving members of that squad to attend training sessions. “Before coming here,” he said, “a few players from the 1966 World Cup team came to training, gave advice and encouragement, so that we can make our Great Leader very proud.”

Because of your knowledgeable input (don’t worry, Coach Kim refused to divulge whether it was you or he who selected this year’s squad), the coach was optimistic that DPRK was going to beat Brazil. A win, he said, “would bring great happiness to our leader Kim Jong-Il, and it will show that our players have a strong mentality. We know Brazil is strong, but we have a strong mentality, and that will prevail.”

Ever-Victorious General, even though in the end, the team somehow lost to the Brazilians 2-1, I hope you are still proud of your team. Considering that Brazil are ranked by the imperialist puppets at FIFA as the best team in the world, this scoreline would have surprised many who doubted not only DPRK’s strong mentality but their unparalleled physical conditioning, that you helped instill in them from birth.

Oh Eternal Sun of Socialism, the match was an exciting one! DPRK defended as if an army of American capitalist pigs were attempting to penetrate our borders. For the first 55 minutes, we managed to prevent the Brazilians from scoring, an heroic achievement of which surely no other team in the world would have been capable. Our goalkeeper Ri Myong-Guk pulled off many gravity-defying saves to keep the South Americans at bay. Finally, the Brazilian defender Maicon made a run down the right hand side. Instead of crossing the ball inside to his strikers, the cunning and devious Maicon had a shot, from the tightest of angles. Somehow, he managed to curve the ball behind Ri and into the net. It was a lucky goal, largely owing, I believe, to the “Jabulani” ball that has already caused so many problems for players in the tournament.

It was a bruising physical encounter, Guardian Deity of the Planet: in the 68th minute, Pak Jol-Chin had to be taken off on a stretcher (albeit only very briefly) after an aerial collision with a Brazilian players. He and the rest of the team certainly put their bodies on the line for you, Dear Leader.

A few minutes later, Brazil managed to score a second goal, thanks to their evil curly-haired midfielder Elano, who finished off a pass from Robinho that penetrated our defence, and the Hungarian referee foolishly ruled it not to be offside.

But as North Koreans never fail to do, we toiled on, determined to make you proud, oh Creater of Peace in the 21st Century. Striker Jong Tae-Se had a good chance in the 87th minute, before being taken out by the Brazilian defence. Alas, again the referee was against us.

But we managed to score, Supreme Commander, what was without doubt the greatest goal of the tournament so far, when Ji Yun-Nam controlled the ball with a deft touch and shot with his left foot straight through the pathetic Brazilain goalkeeper Julio Cesar. Jong almost got an equalizer shortly afterwards, but sadly, the force of imperialism thwarted us once again.

Beneficent Leader, you can be proud of our team. The Brazilians had a lot of support from the crowd, many of whom left before the final whistle, because they were cold and weak. As I’m sure you are already aware, there was a loyal group of North Koreans in the stadium. Although they numbered only about 100 of the 40 000 people in the stadium, their vociferous but well-behaved support – coordinated flag-waving, loud clapping and frequent cries of ‘”Dae Han Min Guk!” (Great Republic of Korea) – showed the world that North Koreans are indeed well-supported here. Every Kim, Park and Lee was behind us! The fans were a fair reflection of North Korean society, I believe. Clean cut men between the ages of 30 and 60. There were also one or two women, because someone has to make the kimchi when they go back to their hotel. After the game, a vicious rumour began circulating that these good people were in fact Chinese fans planted there in North Korean disguise. I did my best to dismiss these heinous accusations no doubt started by the American imperialist bastards. (although if it is true… what a good idea!).

Although during this tournament the Africans here appear to be supporting all teams from this strange continent, North Koreans, true to the ideals of Juche, stand alone. Very few South Koreans dared show their faces. I myself only spotted two South Korean flags all night, Obviously they are jealous and desperate to associate themselves with our greatness.

After the match, Brazilian coach Dunga, a man who bears an uncanny resemblance to the great actor Christopher Lambert from Highlander, was full of praise for the DPRK team. He said many times that his team had been nervous (understandably), and admitted that his team preferred to play against more attacking teams. “When we come across teams who play defensively, it’s more difficult. North Korea passed extremely well and they defended extremely well.” The opening goal, he said, was “not so much an error on the part of the goalkeeper, but the creativity of the player Maicon. Generally the goalkeeper comes out, expecting the ball to be crossed.”

Let me reiterate to you, Peerless Leader, that although Ri conceded two goals, he did well to prevent many others, and I urge you not to send him to a labour camp after he returns, based on this performance.

Although Ri was the best player on the field, Maicon was named man of the match. This I believe to be fortuitous, considering the award is sponsored by the bottled American piss Budweiser. Maicon said he had been very emotional after scoring the goal, even going so far as to kiss his wedding band to show his gratitude for everything his wife had done for him. This made me laugh. What a loser. Back home in the DPRK, wives will serve their husbands without ever expecting token gestures of gratitude such as this!

Many members of the media seemed preoccupied of minor details such as whether or not the game was shown on TV in the DPRK. Coach Kim told them that he believed it was, although he did not know, because he was not involved in broadcasting. I’m sure that if it was not broadcast, or if there was no electricity at the time, the citizens of DPRK will understand that you, Greatest Saint Who Rules with Extensive Magnanimity, made such a decision for their own benefit,

Power Incarnate with Endless Creativity, I love how the DPRK “fight”, while the Brazilians “play” – further proof that we are much tougher than everyone else.

Kim was optimistic about DPRK’s upcoming games. “We should’ve been able to move faster. Although we didn’t win, we gained more experience and confidence.” Although he refused he reveal DPRK’s strategy, Kim pointed out that there were five days before the match against Portugal. “During this five day period, we will prepare tactics and decide if we are going to be more on attack, or more defensive. We have to win.”

A puppet from the South asked him if he had any comment on the upcoming game between South Korea and Argentina, to which the sage-like Kim responded, “well, since I am here to be part of the World Cup, we have two more matches to think about. So I have a lot to think about already.” It’s amazing to think that just because we were the same nation for thousands of years, 50 years of separation has not instilled a fierce independence in the hearts and minds of North Koreans, thanks entirely due to the magnificent leadership of our father Kim Il-Sung, whose legacy you, Lode Star of the Twenty-First Century, continue to manifest upon our mighty nation.

Long live DPRK!

Forever your humble servant,
Dave Durbach

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RESPONSES (5)
  1. Lizzy says:

    love it! THIS is true sports journalism!

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  2. brandon edmonds says:

    Great stuff, Dave. Very funny.

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  3. Sean says:

    Awesome…great work Dave.

    One can only hope he sees this kind of stuff.

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  4. Ron says:

    Great North Korean journo, masquerading as a lackey of the western press, you are due for immense recognition and glory, unless – is it possible – you are less than sincere in you praise of our great leader and that you have inherited a dreadful streak of sarcasm from your forebears.
    I trust not.
    If true, your forebears may be very proud.

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  5. Andi says:

    Outrageously funny…

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