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Montle Moorosi, Alastair Laird

Air Borne Aids

by Montle Moorosi / Illustration by Alastair Laird / 12.03.2012

I’m obsessed with fame and death. If you see me walking down the street, I’m probably thinking about how awesome it would be if photographers were trying to take up-skirt pictures of my balls, or how it would suck to have Aids.

Fuck taxes, the only thing promised in life is death and fame.

When I was in high school I wrote an elaborate article for a crappy but wonderful South African hip hop website. The article was about the finer intricacies and etiquette that goes into a well-orchestrated suicide. It was basically a long rant along the lines of “fuck you dad!” And why one should burn all their clothes before committing suicide so your clothes don’t end up on a art fag’s back 10 years later. A few years down the line, in varsity, I tried to commit suicide and realized how gay and boring the whole thing is. Really boring. No one cares about your “cry for help”, they just think you’re stupid cause you don’t realize that by killing yourself you will miss the Thursday rib special at Spur.

I tried and I failed. So, I decided to start making music, not for the love (duh) but for that fame, bru. If you cunts wont let me die then I’m going to get famous and fart in your face til some one shoots me and I get more fame in heaven like John Lennon and Adolf Hitler. I knew it would be no easy task but every hole deserves a poke. Alas, no one told me that the music business is tighter than a dolphin’s vagina. I even used to set myself astronomical deadlines like, “if I’m not famous by the age of 23, I’m going to kill myself”. Well I’m 27 years old now. All my friends and peers are excelling in their respective trades, especially my musician friends, while I sink and will eventually drown with my dick in my ass and my thumb in my mouth, which, as you can probably tell, is way worse than a failed suicide attempt. Just a toothless squirrel surrounded by nuts. All I had was the internet, where my lies were the truth and my rapport was anonymous. I was famous on the internet but in those days that was like being famous for inventing a new type of Aids that’s air borne (The Umlazi Strain).

It was a really warm Saturday afternoon, the nauseating beams of light that shone through the windows of the UCT computer lab emphasized the monstrosity of the obese Venda engineering student sitting next me, looking at pictures of Ryan Giggs. I’m listening to one of my own songs on my old Sony Discman, I stop the CD, break it in two and throw it in the bin. I log onto the crappy but wonderful hip hop site and log onto the forums under a new pseudonym and I begin typing:

Hi all, I am a relative of Montle Moorosi, whom you know as Spacevein/Big Space and I have very sad news. I know he frequents this site and I thought that you should know that last night Montle was in a tragic car accident, which unfortunately took his life. He was an amazing person and friend and will dearly be missed.

Tshepang Moorosi

And then the heavens opened and the angels embraced me with open legs. The response was nothing short of the best marketing campaign since Tupac got himself all shot and more famous than Jesus. One online mourner, who had previously labeled me a “talentless wank job”, wrote, “it’s so sad to lose such a young talented person, I’m going to miss him”. EAT A BAG OF BABY DICKS DUDE! I sat laughing out loud to myself in that computer lab for 6 hours with the obese Venda guy trying to get a glimpse of my private bliss.

Then my phone started ringing, like a lot, more than usual and it wasn’t my mother. I decide to answer one, it’s my friend Nthato.

“Howzit.”
“Montle?”
“Howzit.”
“Montle? Are you ok?”
“Of course bru, what do you mean?”
“Did you just pull a Tupac?”
“Fuck, you got me, sorry I forgot to tell you. Promise not to tell?”
“Of course, in fact I think its genius… It’s Tupac!”

Then my friend Ootsile called and said he was almost in tears and was about to do a song in my memory.
“What do you mean you were almost in tears?” Douche. Then my sister called, everyone wanted to know if I was all right. I said I don’t know who would have written such a mean, disgusting, insensitive thing. Then some jealous little shit decided to give word that I wasn’t dead and basically killed me again by taking away my fifteen minutes. The forums on the crappy but wonderful website were ablaze with people calling me a scumbag, some saying I’m master of my nameless craft but in the end I was still stuck in the internet realm of fame. Air borne Aids.

And here I am still not famous and still not dead, just getting older and older and getting dumber and dumber on a crappy but wonderful blog that occasionally calls itself a magazine.

11   13
RESPONSES (36)
  1. cnut says:

    Seriously Montle… you’re a fucking LOSER… and only this LOSER site gives you a vent for your Neanderthal logic… no one gives a fuck about you in the grand scheme of things… get a ‘real’ life…

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  2. ray romano says:

    tl;dr

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  3. Alastair says:

    And who is Cnut, let me recall? The original nobodies nobody.

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  4. Roger Young says:

    Cnut is/was that Venda guy.

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  5. schoolboy says:

    mmm so you make “bass” music. really glitchy “Bass” music with an african twist. OMG its so hot right now. B-team where you at? Where my “Bass” music “producers” at?

    womp womp

    keep up the good work man!

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  6. goema says:

    ^ dont you know its never been done. he is pushing artistic boundaries!!

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  7. Ooo Ooo says:

    the king is back!!!

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  8. / says:

    Fuck you, cnut. Go get your japseye cauterised.

    Montle, I can’t take this seriously. Because you’re halfway there already. I can’t take navel-gazing from you seriously, it’s outta character.

    Pull yourself together motherfucker.

    Whimpering doesn’t become you.

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  9. montle says:

    school boy

    i know who myou are!!! youre probably white a, closet racist…you have a 9-5 job and you try your best in music but middle class kaffirs like me just keep getting in your way. sozz bru. its not my fault whites are only getting into the ” äfrican twist”. WHATS WORSE IS THAT YOURE STILL GOING TO TRY SHAKE MY HAND. FAG.

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  10. Anonymous says:

    Brilliant stuff! I know an artist when I read one. Big up yourself Spacevein!

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  11. Argoth says:

    Montle’s writing is fucking dope.

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  12. cnut says:

    True to form… the sign of a weak minded sap that his fellow black peers like me shun… reverting back to type and pulling the race card.

    Even worse than a white apologist (marginally)!

    What a fucking sap!

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  13. creepy steve says:

    hmmm…spur rib special!!!

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  14. Ts'eliso says:

    Fuck, I remember that post on africasgateway, goodness! Good to read your writing again, keep on!

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  15. kza says:

    You rule Montle!

    Thumb up1   Thumb down 0

  16. schoolboy says:

    hey hey dont take that tone with me lighty

    im not white heheh

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  17. shit case says:

    ^^^^then you just have aids then.

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  18. damian says:

    Such a stupid article. But mahala has had worse

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  19. bobby says:

    montle i hate you… but god how i respect you… stay black… i mean native… i mean… aw fuck it, stay black

    Thumb up1   Thumb down 0

  20. CoolB says:

    Love the piece bro… atleast it ade me lough… Its only a special few that can pull a 2pac.. for thos with a sense of humour”

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  21. Kaffirkie says:

    Only a kaffir can call a kaffir a kaffir!

    Thumb up2   Thumb down 1

  22. Malcom X says:

    Stop being a coon for white people montle. Your pen game is better than that.

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  23. montle says:

    ^^^dude, just cause you read the autobiography of malcolm x and things fall apart in your first of varisty doesnt make you Langston Hughes, it means youre a cretin who listens to too much talib kweli and has no fucking idea what sickle cell syndrome is despite the fact that its eating on your black ass brain. My white girlfriend from across the pond is blacker than you. None of you so called “black n proud “folk who question my blackness know nothing about the burden of blackness…more of that in my next article. now go fuck yourselves cause im about to go listen to some celine dion while i read some joseph conrad. (WOW! I WENT TO SCHOOL!!!!)

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  24. jake clitman says:

    Yor montle. That last comment was fucking mind blowing hahahaha! Fukin love you man. Your bestie from jewzenberg. X

    Thumb up1   Thumb down 1

  25. cnut says:

    ‘burden of being black’… what a fucking joke… particularly in South Africa!

    Let me guess your next ‘article’ is going to be full of ‘burden’, ‘woe is me’ and ‘race card’… fucking sap… zero respect from your ‘peers’!

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  26. Kontlap says:

    dnt kills urself yet – we still need to hit lotsa doobie and get lotsa magosha from taan

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  27. Maxi Me says:

    its that ad on tv again. udiala star 1 4 1 star 4 star 2 heshe!!

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  28. Dawg says:

    So much anger, so much ego, so much self absorption. We need more people like you on the planet so we can all disappear up our own arses and stop fucking up things for all the animals.

    This was about as original as a teenager crying over her pimples. Pussy.

    Thumb up1   Thumb down 0

  29. jkadf says:

    The word of negativity is of the Devil
    The word of positivity of That that brings Our Waters together.

    Be well

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  30. Is cnut lonely? says:

    Just wondering if cnut disparages virtually every Mahala writer and the articles they write why does he come back for more….. and its like he hangs on every word becuase he’s normally the first comment?

    Either he’s a cheap lonely fuck with no friends

    OR

    He’s paid by Andy to keep the comments section divisive and low brow – as is Andy’s wanton style 😛

    Which one is it – be honest Andy , we counting on you!?

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  31. As I say Not I do says:

    Snort! Fame is overrated. Stay the underdog with articles like this and you may be poorer than a dolphins vagina but ‘culture’ itself (its true self) will continue to love you for it. Good laugh. Thanks for the suicide attempt!

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  32. Ogama says:

    Just a lucky guess Montle but does your girlfriends “blackness” have anything to do with the amount of black cocks she has had inside her?

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  33. Andy says:

    Brave Ogama throwing anonymous insults from behind the safety of your late night PC screen. In a nutshell, you’re what’s wrong with the internet

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  34. Icedoctor says:

    LOVIN IT!!

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  35. i heard a kitty purr says:

    say it loud!

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  36. MF_Sayda says:

    hahahahahahahaha.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

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