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Nolan Dennis Montle Moorosi

A Tale of Two Boners

by Montle Moorosi, illustration by Nolan Dennis / 08.12.2010

When my flight landed in Cape Town I left the overcrowed 737 with a serious hard on. I came to Cape Town not with the intention of hanging out with liberal art fag Jews or to eat fucking fish and chip parcels but to fuck a woman, any woman. But preferably a Nordic skank with an exceptionally rich father with a beach house in Kommetjie.

While I wait for my bags at the arrivals terminal I get a text message that reads “Its N_ _ _, from Facebook, why are you ignoring me?” I turn my phone off and adjust my belt and crotch, I can have a darkie in Johannesburg anytime, but I’m in Cape Town now. Bitch, I’m Arno Casrtens!

It has been at least 4 months since I last encountered a vagina. The vagina (it was black) I was previously cohabiting and operating for the past 2 years was undergoing some lengthy technical problems with the oiling and wiring, or some shit like that. I could not log on, let alone turn her on. No carnal pleasures means writer’s block. No words means my wallet is empty, as usual, which means you can’t get your nails done at Sorbet on my expense.

Then something strange happened. I have been making music for the last 10-15 years of my life, and this article is proof that my musical career is dismally failing because I don’t know too many successful musicians who are forced to write for lacklustre internet publications and shack up with Jewish men to get by. But alas, one of my shitty little articles has apparently opened up the flood gates of young impressionable and typically insane women on Facebook saying things like “WOW! You’re a freak, I’m a freak too, where do you live?” but as I read these things with a semi-erection all that goes through my mind is that I can’t believe I still haven’t fucked a girl who claims to love my music.

I remember when I first met Eve Rakow, yes, the very same sexy dirty white woman in a band who can’t hold her liquor and refuses to touch my cock, for that matter. It was one of my first days at WITS University, I was doing my sorry excuse of an honours degree in the fine art of lying. All the women in my class were not my type with the exception of Elma Smit, but the problem with her is that she’s a TV presenter on MK and a producer at 5FM with a bright future but cradling that impossible blonde and blue eyed fantasy was just the same as expecting someone to pay attention to my music. Eve was performing during one of those first year lunch time parties with her band and I had drunk enough beers to ignore my chronic halitosis and mustered the courage to talk to her. The fact that she was hanging out with asexual people like Chris Casioheart made her seem less intimidating. Eve’s face and demeanour clearly indicated that her father was not of Nordic descent nor did he own a holiday home in Kommetjie. A good, dirty white woman. I remember telling her that I was half white and that I was related to J.J Rawlings just to impress her.

“Who the fuck is J.J Rawlings?” she asked me.

To make a short story even shorter, that night Eve went home with a turd with dreadlocks and a Gareth Cliff accent who looked like the love child of Jeremy Clarkson and a black homeless woman. But that didn’t affect my self esteem as much when Eve had sexual relations with my good friend Spoek Mathambo because it was all my fucking fault. I’m an enabler of race relations. I’m not trying to call Ms. Rakow a groupie or a lady of the night or anything, I’m just saying she’s not that into writers with low self-esteem and a knack for confusing fact with fiction. It was all my fault, I had it all confused. When I moved to Johannesburg I told myself that this is the city where I was going to get ass. But more particularly white ass, I even tried to hang out at the Goethe Institute searching for sex crazed German expats with white dreadlocks. I found nothing. They said I wasn’t poor enough to fuck and that my life wasn’t tragic enough for them. Fucking communists. Something tells me Tokyo Sexwhale wasn’t vocal enough when they were drafting the freedom charter and he forgot to add “white pussy” to the list. He just decided to get it done his own way, buy a wine farm and open champagne bottles with a sword for the Top Billing cameras. Easy.

The next day I’m having gnocchi for dinner with some nice white people who are friends of the Jew, their French poodle takes an immediate liking to me and humps my leg, I pretend I’m bothered by it but secretly I take it as a compliment. It’s the first thing to feeling like I physically matter in a very long time. I call my ex-girlfirend and start crying while I tell her how profusely I miss her. I wipe my tears and go back to dinner. Keeping up appearances. That night when I went to sleep I dreamt I was about to have sex with another previous ex-girlfriend, she was crazy in all sorts of ways we had nothing in common except for fucking. When were dating she would probably have sex with me while she was giving birth. But in my dream she refused and only reluctantly gave me a bad hand job.

*Illustration by Nolan Dennis.

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RESPONSES (54)
  1. Max says:

    Montle – the young, black, South African Bukowski

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  2. mega-douche says:

    awww, shame… you’re gonna have to try harder to offend, this just comes across as lame and desperate to ruffle feathers. Fail.

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  3. giovanni says:

    i think im in love with eve

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  4. damndemons says:

    mega-douche – hehehehe – WIN

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  5. Dan says:

    ummm @mega-douche

    What makes you so sure he was trying to offend? Read it again dude…

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  6. mike says:

    Entertaining writing, but a lame ending. You should have added a clever line or two to round it off.

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  7. Doctor L. says:

    Dope. Dope. Dope. Skills. And I related to this. It’s hard out here.

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  8. Lisa says:

    If I actually had any faith in men, this woulda remedied it 🙂

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  9. Azzerae says:

    Shit illustration.

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  10. sully sullivan says:

    that illustration is amazing actually

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  11. sully sullivan says:

    so far ive counted two cocks and vaginas in that drawing

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  12. Montle like's eve, candice, bridget says:

    did you know that Nolan is the son of peter mokaba? thats the guy that first wrote and sang kill the boer kill the farmer

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  13. damndemons says:

    there are actually three vaginas and two cocks

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  14. Previous Ex Girlfriend! says:

    I don’t get the point of this. The moral of the story is…

    I think It’s lazy writing.

    Far from Charles Bukowaki, very far.

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  15. bridget says:

    i hope you get laid soon

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  16. Andy says:

    it’s engaging stuff, definitely not the strongest ending, but mostly good, funny in places and honest.

    It’s good to have you back Montel!

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  17. 'badi says:

    “Let me clear my throat…”

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  18. Jason says:

    Most Nordics are skanks.

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  19. Pongolazini says:

    @PreviousEx –

    Bukowaki?

    Ah yes, that literary Nipponese scribe who wrote of his love for passing geishas and sake madness.

    Love his work.

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  20. gonzo nowhere says:

    lets take up a collection for a night at Mavericks for Montle. That should piut his white woman demons to rest for a while…. and stir up enough angsty lusty gut-punches for another year of similar articles.

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  21. Previous Ex Girlfriend! says:

    @Pongolazini! Typo! Was writing too fast.

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  22. TAMARA DEY says:

    AZZERAE is a pasty white man from durban, he is a bisexual into older pasty indian women and he is also into fat white men like rodger. His life is generally sad, it is spent on the internet harrasing losers like Montle when he should be out buying roaccutane for his acne. Azzarae has serious penis envy..he is the type of guy to go to a public bathroom and gets off by smelling other people taking dumps.

    AAZERAE IS A PUG RAPIST. and so what i had sex with Montle? his halitosis is nt that bad.

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  23. Mick says:

    Edmonds for the supple ecstacy; Moorosi for the neon polkadot mindfuck. And if this piece didn’t pounce like one of his usual deranged tigers, ’tis only coz he’s sad and horny, instead of happy and horny.

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  24. mick says:

    Jesus. Okay so I just read the last coupla parra’s. Was walking and riddim-stumble reading the piece this afternoon: microscopic-jagged-distort-screen likes an’ all. Okay so anyway after prepping me dinah an’ all I re-read the supposedly offensively bland down-scendo.

    Mistah Montle! Fuck! Abject poetry right there. The invisible novel swells right there.. The unwordable. Sorry you cried bra. Sorrie she didna know what she casually Owns.

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  25. Cinekal Dlamini says:

    what a piece of shit.
    this reads like a crap writer’s dear diary. or some pleb confessing his sex addiction to a stoned drug counsellor.

    what is the point of putting this shit up here?
    I can only conceive of two reasons:

    1. you owe this dude a serious favour
    2. so that you can say, “look ma, we got a black writer”.

    eish, you do black writers the world over a disservice if thats your motivation.
    and you do mahala a disservice by putting this up at all..

    supa poopa!

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  26. lebo aka car guard says:

    montle is one of my favourite south african writers . keep writing bro !

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  27. Kontlap says:

    Good article boytjie!

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  28. Anonymous says:

    i suppose it shows how healthy this place is that the response can be so split.
    I thought the article, and illustration, were both thrown together last minute and half heartedly. Blah.

    Also, Max gets onto shaky ground and censored for describing an asian guy as asian, but montle calls all nordic women skanks, amongst other generalizations just fine?
    Hmmm.

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  29. Anonymous says:

    what i meant to say is that it sucked.

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  30. Jason says:

    Come now, it’s only racism if a white person says it, Anonymous. Where you been?

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  31. creepy steve says:

    wow tamara day really outed azzerae there
    me wonders what other dark secrets (aside from montle) she’s
    carrying around in those draws

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  32. Anonymous says:

    this shirt of the article actually sucks,fosek!

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  33. TAMARA DEY says:

    listen up shit bags, white ppl are lame ok..i am one..i should know…max can say whatever he fucking likes, no is stopping him, Montle just doesnt give a shit about your sensitivities….before i found out about mahala i didnt even know how to read..but i appreciate fine works of poetry.

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  34. Max says:

    it’s sexy racism. which is ok.

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  35. Annie says:

    I thought the article was a little ‘uninspired’ – are these topics really that entertaining..is it all we have to read ? (I feel annoyed with myself for sitting through the whole thing just because the title was enticing) My 16 cents.

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  36. Ok... says:

    Why the obsession with shagging white girls? Is it a black thing? Am I allowed to say ‘black’ on here?

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  37. Anonymous says:

    What a load of kak

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  38. The Black Jew. says:

    What a load of kak.
    Congratulations on wasting oxygen.

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  39. Sappie says:

    lol you’re a douche but this made me laugh so much.

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  40. nordic skank says:

    Poor, sad little sambo hating the white pussy you can’t have! How bout you come and do my garden and we’ll see where it heads?

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  41. RodeoFlip says:

    If your music is a kak as your writing then I can see why you’re not up there with Bono or…. erm, Kanye West. I just wasted 10 minutes of my life reading this

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  42. sex-crazed german expat says:

    who needs the freedom charter when black cock is as free as it was during slavery?

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  43. Andy says:

    RodeFlip thinks Bono is “up there” mwa ha ha ha ha ha… What a benchmark for Montle to aspire to

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  44. muerte says:

    jesus it took you TEN minutes to read this @rodeoflip

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  45. montle says:

    hahaha..SAMBO…i love gardening…eve..lets just get married yo..

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  46. Benny says:

    This is excellent stuff. Agree with some of the posters here that moan about weak endings but I think you should ignore them and forge ahead. I like honest and I like grotty. 8/10!

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  47. Khulu Manqele says:

    Dude! you sound so real, you don’t need a clever line to end this! it was fine for me looking forward to the next one!

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  48. Lame-o says:

    pointless!

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  49. Khulu Manqele says:

    @Lame-o says that is why it is so cool!

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  50. Anonymous says:

    Can we please bar this highschool crap writing from the site? One, it’s not original. Pauly Shore does the same frustrated little wanker crap, bitching about pusy for two hours while the 16 year olds go mad with recognition. Rather pathetic. And two, it’s not even a good copy of that nonsense. It’s lame. I pity the pussy that makes the mistake of going for such a sad fuck..

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  51. Montle says:

    the more you read the more i feed….going strong..pop bottles all over again..let the old dogs go to sleep..the puppies are here to shit all over your rug. AHOY!!

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  52. TTDouble07 says:

    I liked it. Nuf said.

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  53. Pencila says:

    Haha I love it, made my day somewhat…thumbs up guy

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  54. Vanessa says:

    I don’t think it was bad, I just found it didn’t really go anywhere. But there were enough similes and metaphors go keep each sentence interesting. Well done, dude. Anyone who disses you can’t even write their own name.

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