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We Are Messy

We Are Messy

by Nathan Zeno / 14.12.2009

The Vice room was empty and struggling for relevance and I was tired of drinking free rum and cock sucking, so walked out onto the main Ass floor and saw a bro hug result in an elbow taking out an emo girl, it was as if the Assembly’s Second birthday party was designed especially for me.

What struck me, being an old person, was how little fun everyone seemed to be having, of course this has nothing to do with me being old, just the fact that I have always expected too much and had got there too early. When I arrive at a party I expect to be attacked by a million girls who want to have sex with me all bearing drinks and party tricks, proclaiming my cleverness and hipness and all that. But instead I was greeted with indifference. How rude? Well not total indifference, shortly after I got there the Spanish arrived and his buddy regaled me with stories of a porno he shot behind a DJ box years ago. The only thing left was to discuss textbooks, physics and crappy cameras with, well, the people who talk about that shit.

Finally Them Tornadoes came on and I was struck immediately by how slick they were in their rawness. Basically it’s a bald guy in a bad pseudo medicine man hat and a guy in a kilt with drums (yeah somebody else, who can remember) playing some kind of rockabilly crap and a fair slab of covers. Was it a joke? Half the audience couldn’t tell (the dancing half), the other half couldn’t care (the staring ironically half) until it started to go on a bit long, I mean they were rocking and everything but, well, fuckit, it was a birthday party, I suppose everyone’s invited.

When I was at school they taught me that you only write something down if you’ve got something to say, a point to be made, intro, argument, conclusion, y’know. But the uglier it got, in the nicest possible way, I found myself wondering around the Ass looking for conclusion, argument, even an introduction.

So there I was perpetuating my stereotype and dancing like a white person, my short tyrannosaurus rex arms flailing and slapping my ass when the Doomsters struck a perfect pose. I struggled around looking for my photographer, don’t see her, start grabbing random photographers who look at me like I’m insane, when I finally find her the moment has passed and she’s flapping around the dance floor herself, I tell her to shoot the bands but she’s out of film, I mean, memory card space. But KIDOFDOOM were basically ripping it up and all relevance was forgotten.

The bar was a crush and I was more into dancing but the main floor seemed too obvious musically so I stayed on in the, as I got increasingly drunker, the increasingly relevant Vice room. How do I know it was the Vice room? The same four fashion shoots and a logo projected on the wall in a loop. I had to keep dancing away from the wall and there’s no buzz kill like the smug face of Terry Richardson smothered amongst hotness when you know you ain’t getting any tonight. As the electro vibes got trashier and trashier until I broke my shoe. So I limped out into the main room and sat there for a bit until this girl in a knit cap sat down to let me hate her for her magnificent nose.

This is the part where I attempt to wrap it all up in some clever observation. I’m gonna go for the lazy obvious one. Someone should put DJ’s at the Engen. DJ’s who play death metal and throw pigs blood at you if you order the last steak and kidney pie when I want one.

Just think about this picture for one second. Did they plan to make it look like his head was coming out of her neck and if so, why didn't it work?

Just think about this picture for one second. Did they plan to make it look like his head was coming out of her neck and if so, why didn't it work?


Yep, someone's getting lucky tonight.

Yep, someone's getting lucky tonight.


Danny K, finally free of Lee Anne, attempts to embrace plaid, fails.

Danny K, finally free of Lee Anne, attempts to embrace plaid, fails.


We started off trying to do a we-are-awesome type thing, but this guy ruined it

We started off trying to do a we-are-awesome type thing, but this guy ruined it

At first glance you think that somewhere there is a secret room where hotness happens, then you see the guys in the background and you realise that that room is at La Med

At first glance you think that somewhere there is a secret room where hotness happens, then you see the guys in the background and you realise that that room is at La Med

This picture could've been taken at any birthday party where someone has invited her best friends estranged ex by mistake.

This picture could've been taken at any birthday party where someone has invited her best friends estranged ex by mistake.

I could go for the easy, guy tries to vomit in glass, caption here instead I'm going stare into that girls eyes

I could go for the easy, guy tries to vomit in glass, caption here instead I'm going stare into that girls eyes

Is he telling us that he's about to score with that chick attempting to crump? I hope so.

Is he telling us that he's about to score with that chick attempting to crump? I hope so.


With eyebrows like that you can fail at moustache any day.

With eyebrows like that you can fail at moustache any day.

In the background there is a guy in a hat grabbing his crotch. Just saying.

In the background there is a guy in a hat grabbing his crotch. Just saying.

All that plaid and no beards? We must be on the electro floor.

All that plaid and no beards? We must be on the electro floor.

That guy from the Parlotones in two years time.

That guy from the Parlotones in two years time.

He thinks she's happy because she can't believe her luck when she's actually just laughing at his stupid glasses.

He thinks she's happy because she can't believe her luck when she's actually just laughing at his stupid glasses.

All images © and courtesy Illana Welman.

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RESPONSES (9)
  1. un_derscore says:

    Yes that girl with the eyes definatley !!!

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  2. Dr Whogivesashit says:

    jirre ek’t ge-rofl ek sé!
    and ja, i woulda gone with the staring into the eyes too…

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  3. Johnny Nobody says:

    Wow, so that was a waste of reading time. Well done, I can’t remember the last time I read something so clearly the product of apathy and haste.

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  4. dojee says:

    yes, staring into the eyes and a judicious bit of cropping.

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  5. Nathan Zeno says:

    Johnny Nobody. You have missed a subtle distinction. It was the product of hangover induced apathy and haste.

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  6. Mike Miller (USA) says:

    I kept waiting for something ominous to happen. It didn’t!

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  7. Don Dada says:

    Cape Town needs more MDMA! or something…just saying…how can a Vice party be boring?
    my dog raves harder than this, and fuck nerd glasses and check shirts and FUCK Terry Richardson and his boring ass pics.

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  8. David Steynberg says:

    Damnit Cape Town has got some seriously compromised-looking people (just based on the photos above). It’s like the guys there walk into Truworths (Man, of course), take a look at what the manikin is wearing and say: “I’ll have those – even the socks!”

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  9. Nathan.Zeno says:

    I am a terrible writer.
    Nothing ever happens in my articles except for hipster-bashing.
    I don’t have fun at parties, because I am boring, and no one hangs out with me.
    I believe negative reviews will get more people talking and therefore more readers.
    This way I don’t have to rely on insight or decent writing.

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