Toxic Shoxby Montle Moorosi / 01.09.2009
Old time journalists have a very fucked up but I guess sensible saying, “if it bleeds, it leads”. I told my Hasidic ageing bald editor that I wouldn’t be going to the Toxic Avenger show cause my ex-girlfriend might be there and I’m afraid that she might try to shank my current girlfriend while she takes a piss in the bathrooms. This promptly made him book two spots for us on the guest list without my approval or confirmation whatsoever. The last I heard I was supposed to write about the music and not about myself and Tumi’s weight problems or imminent girl on girl violence, but like they said back in the day when a journalist’s minimum wage was still R1 a word, “if it bleeds, it leads”, so let this pussy menstruate you a red bread crumb trail of corpus luteum.
Dressed in a red and black double-breasted jacket with black velvet detail, a white tuxedo shirt and a black bow tie, I spent the greater part of the night taking compliments. One photographer even said me and my girlfriend are his “muses”. It all got a bit strange though when some woman from Elle magazine said to my girlfriend, “I always see you two always looking so good together, can I write a story about you guys?” We kind of laughed in her face about how dumb the idea was, but the music was so loud that when she said “pardon?” I said, “No, she was just making a knock knock joke about Aids” then she tried to say the whole offer again but we distracted her with our erratic Carlton Banks style of dancing with our mouths wide open, tongues dangling wet in the discotheque like Labradors on MDMA.
I Momentarily forgot about the fear of my ex-girlfriend coming. I frantically started trying to find a pen and a piece of paper to keep a log book of all the black females in the club, so far I had counted only 3 nigger bitches and one coloured lady who looked like she may have once worked at a fisheries in Muizenberg. Still no sign of the ex… About two weeks ago she called in a slightly tipsy stupor and said to me “I want to go to there’s, I heard hot party”.
The bathroom stalls are always full at the Alexander Theatre. No one was making urine; either everyone prefers to sit when they pee or they only shit, but more likely they like to do cocaine, which was in order for the night if your nerves were as fucked as mine. I can’t afford the cursed powder so I just licked the left overs off that silver thing that holds the toilet paper.
KidofDoom are on, another reminder of a past life scattered with memories of broken doors, a barrage of “fuck you’s”, constant fast foods and copious amounts of drinking with the ex. Their music is charming and for a while I relax and forget about my menstrual cycle trail and wonder how KidofDoom would sound if they got Tshepo Tshola from Sankomota to be their lead vocalist. I came to the conclusion that this is the only way that KidofDoom and Tshepo would ever win a Grammy.
Playdoe then came on. I’ve seen them perform a thousand times before. Sibot had some new beats which he threw on and as usual were impressive, but apart from that, I guess its same old same old. Playdoe is made up of Sibot and Spoek Mathamb. Sibot likes to talk a lot these days when he’s on stage, which I find quite adorable in an almost homo erotic way. After their set, Sibot told me that he’s afraid that he might be outshining Spoek if he carries on with his toasting. I was just like, “get yours homie, get yours”. Standing at the bar waiting to get a beer from my pal Chris Saunders I start to think about this article, and my writing in general… I’m cursed, whatever I write people think its coming from hate and not opinion. “Thanks for the beer Chris”.
The team Uncool DJ set was super super stuff. Murray Turpin and Chris Saunders were working off some old ass CDJ’s but were twerking the fuck out the system with their mixing. The set was a dirty hour of dub step remixes of electro hits from back in the day and a firm fixture of new electro songs currently doing the blog rounds.
By 1am, I had forgotten about the ex and my girlfriend was like, “I think you can relax now, that bitch aint coming”. The relief was mixed with a heavy dose of discombobuIation as I said to my girlfriend, “what the fuck do I write about now then?”
“Err…the music?” she said.
“Bitch, I don’t think so,” as I knocked back tequila and planted my face into her bulging mammary glands.
I get a tap on my shoulder from a white lady, “are you Montle?” She has a very different accent and I wondered if it may be Carol Reed because I saw her name on the guest list. She then says, “its Ana.”
“Ohhhhhh, you’re Nthato’s (Spoek Mathambo) wife, heard a lot about you,” I said.
“I recognise you from your pictures on your blog.” She said.
I was flattered and pleased to meet her, but conversation can get a bit fucked if you have bad hearing like me and the person you’re speaking to has an accent and the music in the club is playing at satanic decibel levels. Conversation in these instances can be settled in only two ways, either drop the conversation or just smile and keep agreeing and laughing at what the other person is saying. I chose to drop it all just in case I may be agreeing to be sold off to a travelling circus in Vienna. Spoek however was hard to get a hold off ’cause he’s so busy with running the show and various monopolies that I couldn’t get to interview him and find out more about his wedding day, which was the next day.
Then later I met a Carol that I do know who is acquaintances with my ex, I forgot her name and called her Lindsey…
“No its Carol!” The look on her face said, curse the day I ever became friends with kaffirs.
Toxic Avenger? Well I didn’t even realise he was playing when he was playing, ’cause it was pretty average. All in all there’s not much to say other than that it was just another electro DJ set, and I’m quite sure I’m not the only one who felt this. My sincere remorse goes out to all the poor cunts who actually forked out R100 and R15 for a black label up in that bitch. So me and the wife just decided to forget about all the bullshit and just have our own fun. Bianca of SABC 1 Live fame, who now works at MTV was there. I was kind of embarrassed when my lady let her know that I used to be in love with her in high school. She was really cool about it and we took some pictures and tequila together and I had this thought at the back of my mind to ask my girlfriend, “hey baby, what are your thoughts on swinging?” But that I kept to myself ’cause I know very well that if it bleeds it will definitely lead to the pussy.
Images courtesy and © Justin McGee