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Now that’s what I call White Music

by Montle Moorosi / 07.06.2011

“You NO nothing!”- Justin McGee

I know white people. I know white people better than they know themselves. But today I stand corrected. I thought I knew white people, but it wasn’t the real white man, it was hipsters, art fags, Steph Weiss.

I’ve always wondered what it must be like to be white. At one point I thought I knew because I was listening to The Strokes and wearing fitted shirts but I knew nothing about Ray Dylan or Romanz, let alone Kurt Darren. But before I go any further I’d like to sincerely thank the people at EMI and the SAMA’s for compiling this CD in such an informative manner. CD 1 is for the blacks. House and kwaito. The disc is fairly good, in fact it’s pretty titillating in most aspects because South African house and kwaito (if there’s any difference these days) is fucking fun and amazing because it ranges from everything such as lyrics about a woman’s anus, being uptight in the club all the way to gospel.

SAMA Nominees Album

Liquideep is gay but they’re good, Professor’s “iMoto” is a constant radio, club and car favourite, Mahoota’s infectious and wonderfully charming but ignorant chants on “Potoko” and of course Black Coffee’s remix of Hugh Masekela’s iconic hit “Stimela”. Tumi and the Volume who are South Africa’s most overated hip hop group, should, in my personal opinion, just start making cabaret music so Tumi can at least get paid, fed and laughed at in an appropriate setting. As a fairly young man.. I personally feel that Tumi and the Volume are stuck in a coffee shop in Melville in 1994 listening to trip hop and I don’t want to ever see or hear that boring fat nigga again.

that fat nigga

And then CD 2… the crux of my moment of caucasian clarity. I always thought being a white person was about liking cats and owning wicker furniture, but I knew nothing about being a real CD buying South African white person. CD 2 has artists such as Prime Circle, The Arrows, The Parlotones, Goldfish, Locnville, Flash Republic (although Tamara Dey has a weird black past), Jax Panik (somebody please shoot this guy) Karen Zoid and the wildcards, Loyiso, Freshlyground and Zulu Boy. I dont know, but if I was one of those guys, the wildcards, I wouldn’t know whether to be really bummed or privately celebrating in Uncle Tom’s cabin. Who the fuck is Gerhard Steyn and why did I only find out about him now? Gerhard Steyn is Afrikaans music’s answer to Marvin Gaye and Chris Brown. The chorus is simple but poignant: “Ek bring diamante vir jou”. Shit, if I was a blonde Afrkaans women working at ABSA, dressed in white heels and a dress from Milady’s… my pussy would be wet. And if you thought it was only the hipsters who are obsessed with the eighties then you’re wrong… Afrikaans pop is the eighties. No irony or VST plugins on this shit, this is real pure sentiment. Steve Hofmeyer, South Africa’s biggest selling artist and pimp even makes an appearance despite being labelled a racist… Steve, your persistence inspires me.

Now I know white people.


*Images © Dave Durbach and SAMA Music Awards.

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