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Now that’s what I call White Music

by Montle Moorosi / 07.06.2011

“You NO nothing!”- Justin McGee

I know white people. I know white people better than they know themselves. But today I stand corrected. I thought I knew white people, but it wasn’t the real white man, it was hipsters, art fags, Steph Weiss.

I’ve always wondered what it must be like to be white. At one point I thought I knew because I was listening to The Strokes and wearing fitted shirts but I knew nothing about Ray Dylan or Romanz, let alone Kurt Darren. But before I go any further I’d like to sincerely thank the people at EMI and the SAMA’s for compiling this CD in such an informative manner. CD 1 is for the blacks. House and kwaito. The disc is fairly good, in fact it’s pretty titillating in most aspects because South African house and kwaito (if there’s any difference these days) is fucking fun and amazing because it ranges from everything such as lyrics about a woman’s anus, being uptight in the club all the way to gospel.

SAMA Nominees Album

Liquideep is gay but they’re good, Professor’s “iMoto” is a constant radio, club and car favourite, Mahoota’s infectious and wonderfully charming but ignorant chants on “Potoko” and of course Black Coffee’s remix of Hugh Masekela’s iconic hit “Stimela”. Tumi and the Volume who are South Africa’s most overated hip hop group, should, in my personal opinion, just start making cabaret music so Tumi can at least get paid, fed and laughed at in an appropriate setting. As a fairly young man.. I personally feel that Tumi and the Volume are stuck in a coffee shop in Melville in 1994 listening to trip hop and I don’t want to ever see or hear that boring fat nigga again.

that fat nigga

And then CD 2… the crux of my moment of caucasian clarity. I always thought being a white person was about liking cats and owning wicker furniture, but I knew nothing about being a real CD buying South African white person. CD 2 has artists such as Prime Circle, The Arrows, The Parlotones, Goldfish, Locnville, Flash Republic (although Tamara Dey has a weird black past), Jax Panik (somebody please shoot this guy) Karen Zoid and the wildcards, Loyiso, Freshlyground and Zulu Boy. I dont know, but if I was one of those guys, the wildcards, I wouldn’t know whether to be really bummed or privately celebrating in Uncle Tom’s cabin. Who the fuck is Gerhard Steyn and why did I only find out about him now? Gerhard Steyn is Afrikaans music’s answer to Marvin Gaye and Chris Brown. The chorus is simple but poignant: “Ek bring diamante vir jou”. Shit, if I was a blonde Afrkaans women working at ABSA, dressed in white heels and a dress from Milady’s… my pussy would be wet. And if you thought it was only the hipsters who are obsessed with the eighties then you’re wrong… Afrikaans pop is the eighties. No irony or VST plugins on this shit, this is real pure sentiment. Steve Hofmeyer, South Africa’s biggest selling artist and pimp even makes an appearance despite being labelled a racist… Steve, your persistence inspires me.

Now I know white people.

SAMAs

*Images © Dave Durbach and SAMA Music Awards.

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RESPONSES (61)
  1. dudie says:

    but montle, it’s all the same shit – all ‘artists’, on both cds/sides, are selling music to stereotypes, especially those that dont know shit about music. i dont get the differentiation between black and white in you article. you should say, ‘now i know people.’ weak argumentation, man.

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  2. Muso says:

    And this is why the SA Music Market is like this – People Like you

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  3. Anonymous says:

    White people don’t listen to parlotones, goldfish, locnville and flash republic. Don’t even bring up Jax Panik.
    Morons and any musical ignoramus listen to them. they destroy the music scene in South Africa. There’s probably a quality band in every city that should replace those soul-destroying losers. In it for the marketing. not even the money, just the marketing, cuz there is no money.. except in KFC endorsements.
    The SAMAs are a joke.

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  4. Dplanet says:

    Kurt Darren is a certified PIMP.

    This article was way too short. I was just getting into it when it came to an abrupt end. I want my money back.

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  5. Metal Womble says:

    As certified, card-carrying, caucasian metalhead, I wouldn’t touch this CD with a barge-pole (filled with bland commercial crap as the “white” part is, and with me being totally unqualified to judge the “black” part at all) , but this has to be one of the best reviews of any sort I’ve read for ages! Awesome! 🙂

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  6. Andy says:

    A lot of morons and musical ignoramuses out there seem to make the music industry dance to their (lack of) rhythm

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  7. Sophie says:

    Just to get serious for a second: the double standards in this piece, although humorously-intentioned, are quite staggering. Why is this a race issue at all? Conflating a stereotype, or more accurately a very particular taste or tendency, with a race, as a full thing, a unity, a totality – this is exactly the same logic at work in any racist judgement. Obviously, this piece is comical and not severe. But we should just remark, I think, about the way these kinds of logics are received: when they’re okay, when they can give rise to a guiltless humor etc.

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  8. Kagiso says:

    Injustice to Tumi and The Volume,hip hop is a movement filled with sub-genres.
    Like the rest of the piece though

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  9. Anonymous says:

    god sophie, shut the fuck up.
    it’s amusing and required as the CD itself, which i guess is a reflection of SA music industry trends, did the segregation first. Montle just commented. If you’re completely ignorant to the two polar hemispheres of SA, then you need to educate yourself.

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  10. dudie says:

    @ anonymous – well, then montle shouldn’t have written form the first person.

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  11. Ineedacrap says:

    Why the fuck did you bring up race for? Your writing makes no sense! no body! no soul to it! you are the worst writer I have ever read! My first time on this site. And it will be the last.

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  12. Ineedacrap says:

    You homophobic prick! – @ the author.

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  13. Count Nero says:

    @Montle: I know I’d be celebrating in Uncle Tom’s cabin fa’ show. That’s where they keep ’em white girls 🙂

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_L8kgHK8qOQ

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  14. Anonymous says:

    Was this written by a 12 year old?

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  15. Trevor Killyourself says:

    Is this where the dudes are dissing hardcore. You’re dead motherfuckers. DMS will kill u.

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  16. Bonzo says:

    On behalf of white people everywhere I would like to apologise for the Parlotones.

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  17. Thishiwe says:

    Hey Montle, wake up, the nineties are long gone. Fucking northern suburbs coconut
    all this post-racial posturing, just go get a Nike brand ambassador sponsorship already.

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  18. Andy says:

    my favourite comments thread this year

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  19. sabf says:

    he’s back!

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  20. montle says:

    new balance baby! NEW FUCKING BALANCE

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  21. Slumtown Hero says:

    If your intention was to rattle cages and irritate people, you did a smashing job. If you actually wrote this believing you were opening up some critical discourse around South African music and the politics thereof, you did a really kak job.

    I’ve like you guys on Facebook now for a while, but what once attracted me to your blog – “Bozo” by Brandon Edmonds – seems to be missing with this new derelict writer named Montle.

    I dig how Mahala lends ‘white’ vernacular like “Kif” and “Kak”, but posts articles that are so racially charged it verges on stupid. Nice one Montle – you twat.

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  22. Tim says:

    Can’t you people see? From the first paragraph he makes a distinction between white people and “white people” white people. It’s not a fucking race issue, it’s cultural. Duh…

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  23. dudie says:

    that’s what i say – commercial culture is all the same. that’s why i thought the angle should have been a little different: montle tells us all about how the music industry is racially charged (by releasing segregated cds), but doesn’t distance himself from the bullshit. He then proceeds by telling us that whites listen to this and that music – this article is either highly sarcastic or incoherent. I don’t know which side to lean towards, since I dont personally know the author. I think he’s assuming that we can read between the lines a little too enthusiastically.

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  24. Slumtown Hero says:

    @ Dudie – I hit KIF on your comment. My point exactly. And I still think Montle is a fool. Only a fool stands up for his beliefs whilst trodding on them at the same time.

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  25. Alastair says:

    You’ve done it again, fantastic article Monty.

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  26. Don Dada says:

    LOKL! The comments are better than the article

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  27. Groot Wit Gevaar says:

    I thought Mahala was post race. This is getting old. Like Montle will one day. That’s unless he gets dragged behind a hilux and lynched by a mob of them khaki wearing-rugby-loving-braai-vleis-grilling-ignorant-colonising-sokkie-sokkie-draaing-racist-doily-making-afrikaaner boers while the other wit hipster souties, and those pale faces still paralysed by the guilt of knowning that their parents and their parents before them quite possibly voted NP, stand idly by drinking Steph Weiss, listening to Western sounds while smoking poor brown Montles (and his peoples) herb…that they have stolen…for like…forever.

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  28. Chris says:

    You can only define yourself based on what you’re opposed to for so long.
    I’m looking forward to the day Montle writes something that isn’t like everything else he’s ever written. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not going to hold my breath, but it would be good to know that there’s something more (t)here.

    It’s easy to criticise shit at the best of times. In this country, it’s fucking child’s play.

    Montle is like those garbage pail kids from the playing cards back in the day. Sitting in a shit-filled sandpit and hitting buckets with sticks, making a racket about all this shit he calls out and being generally obnoxious while the playground looks on in amazement.

    It’s the same as the OFWGKTA phenomenon. Tyler the creator is skilled, granted, but he commands everyone’s attention not because his views are progressive, but because he’s just so fucking offensive.

    This isn’t an article about the SAMA’s. First and foremost, it’s an article about the author. Which is fine, I’d just like to see some depth to this cat.

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  29. JM Koet$ee says:

    This is ill-conceived and won’t end well.

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  30. tommy gunns says:

    ag man, I like it! this young man has the gift

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  31. Sipho Hlongwane says:

    coconuts make me laugh

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  32. polony says:

    monty – hahaha best nickname yet…
    more fire!

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  33. Luz Uko says:

    Hay’Montle ndoda, iArticle yakho namlhanje ibhek’ecaleni.

    In my opinion I’d say it’s due to a lack of planning. Khaw’phinde uxoze mphini wumbi uzuphinde usinike into ebhetele noko because this is totally luke-warm.

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  34. Luz Uko says:

    Hay’Montle ndoda, iArticle yakho namlhanje ibhek’ecaleni.

    Mna ndiye ndathi ukubona igama lakho ndathi “Nantsoke ! Yafik’indond’enkulu” kanti ndikhe phantsi isitya sigcwele.

    In my opinion I’d say it’s due to a lack of planning.

    Khaw’phinde ndod’enkulu uxoze mphini wumbi uphinde usinike into ebhetele noko kunale because this is totally luke-warm. And I for one expected something better from a guy named Montle Moroosi.

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  35. Anonymous says:

    Hay’Montle ndoda, iArticle yakho namlhanje ibhek’ecaleni.

    Mna ndiye ndathi ukubona igama lakho ndathi “Nantsoke ! Yafik’indond’enkulu” kanti ndikhe phantsi isitya sigcwele.

    In my opinion I’d say it’s due to a lack of planning.

    Khaw’phinde ndod’enkulu uxoze mphini wumbi uphinde usinike into ebhetele noko kunale because this is totally luke-warm. And I for one expected something better from a guy named Montle Moroosi.

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  36. Anonymous says:

    coke will not make you write better, ever.

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  37. DontTestLordFinesse says:

    Errr……I’d like to speak about the ”black” disc. What you said about Tumi, hai dawg I cant see why you dissed him like that and then bigged up Potoko? Hai nja yam, Potoko?
    But anyway…ku’grand.

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  38. ThisArticleIsSoooLame says:

    I luv Tumi !!

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  39. Icedoctor says:

    So Andy…tell me…did Tumi give you the free tickets to his (as Montle would say) “concert” before or after he read this article? 🙂

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  40. montle says:

    hahahahahaha…i love it when people i know post under “anonymous” or some lame nickname..shit, coke wont make me a better writer, but it might help you with your shitty little personality and insecurity. if you hate me so much, just come and tell me so and i’ll stop supporting your cigarette habit.

    dont feel afraid to try kill me when you see me please! cause im too pussy to kill myself. im the small, handsome yellow motherfucker who dresses better than you and your girlfriend.

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  41. Solomon says:

    Good guy kep wel i just wanna know that mantle is boy or girl

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  42. Chris says:

    It makes sense for Montle’s writing to constantly draw on and redraw racial stereotypes because as long as the divisions of race are reinforced and reaffirmed, he gets to represent the new wave of black critics, instead of just being seen as a cynic with a fantastic grasp on all types of insults and expletives.

    Race politics give his vitriol an exoticism, and his position allows him unrivalled freedom (to call Tumi a fat boring nigga and call for someone to shoot Jax Panic) and before anyone tries to argue against that, ask yourself what the comments thread would look like if the author’s name was Matthew Morris.

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  43. 1D10t says:

    haha, I hate SA bands too much. Agreed on Jax Wanknik, Arselotones, Tchoomi and the Votchlume. I hate them all deeply. Fuck them. Kurt Darren is a disgusting little prick.

    Montle, at first a wanted to bitch slap you when I started reading, by the end, I wanted to buy you a round. If I see your smug ass around I’ll be doing that.

    Best line of the article: “Shit, if I was a blonde Afrkaans women working at ABSA, dressed in white heels and a dress from Milady’s… my pussy would be wet.”

    hahahaha.

    I’m off to make popcorn ‘cos this is going to be entertaining

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  44. Andy says:

    Matthew Morris… can anyone say pseudonym!

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  45. Alibaba says:

    Gerhard Steyn is Afrikaans music’s answer to Marvin Gaye and Chris Brown. The chorus is simple but poignant: “Ek bring diamante vir jou”. Shit, if I was a blonde Afrkaans women working at ABSA, dressed in white heels and a dress from Milady’s… my pussy would be wet.

    Hahahahaha! Brilliant.

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  46. Come on Mahala says:

    What a rubbish article.

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  47. Kropotkin says:

    We read Mahala only os we want to get the comments. They should sell the advertising space to KFC.

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  48. syd willow says:

    i like your artile “Monty” but whats really wrong with Tumi and The Volume?

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  49. Earl Joseph says:

    Sadly, the only valid statement in your entire vitriolic yet misguided, borderline ignorant and mostly bigoted tirade, is that you are a “fairly young man”…

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  50. Thithi says:

    This is seriously the funniest thing I have ever read. I love your opening paragraph because that’s just it though. Man, this is funny shit

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  51. 1D10t says:

    Syd, rather ask what’s right with Tchoomi and the Votchlume. I personlly think the only thing right with them is they’ve never really made it.

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  52. mool-d says:

    lolz! whether you agree or not, this is well written and funny XD

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  53. mool-d says:

    @Thishiwe dbl lolz!

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  54. Zam says:

    This has nothing to do with race, i think the point is clearly who the “white” cd is aimed at eg Freshly Ground (Who have BLACK people in it) is on the WHITE cd because WHITE radio stations play them.

    All this dude is pointing out is that the “Black” cd has Kwaito/hip hop artists who are respected by the black musical community. There’s no 50 cent on their side.

    However, the “white” cd is made up majority by mediocre pop bands that most readers on this website hate.

    I thought it was a fantastic article and was in no way actually racist, but honest in the idea that our current local “white” popular music scene is filled with bands that no discerning listener(black or white) likes. rather than take racial offence, think of why he’s making fun of the “white” side, it’s a pretty shitty line up and WE DON”T CARE nor do we try CHANGE it or PROMOTE BETTER ACTS.

    Rad article, i dug it.

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  55. derek says:

    This is such a bullshit article. And most of your articles are horrible and ignorant. STOP WRITING

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  56. Slindo says:

    Spoeks and Giggaboos

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  57. R B says:

    Revolting language. How did I land on this stinking website.

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  58. Anonymous says:

    I’m 12 and what is this?

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  59. Thato says:

    LMAO! I have never laughed so much in my life. Not at the contents of the article, but more at the comments thread.
    I thought of commenting then realised Dudie has said everything I feel about the piece. I like Montle though. So…ja…that’s my 2 cent’s worth!

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  60. DR PACHANGA says:

    DID SOME ONE ORDER A BAG, IM ITCHY….

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  61. Kontlap says:

    Rebecca Malope featuring The Archetypes

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