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I Know White People

I Know White People

by Montle Moorosi / 07.08.2009

Our man Montle Moorosi has a gift. He sees white people. Everywhere. So we sent him to cover the MTV Urban Electric Street Festival in Newtown where his alter ego was playing. Yes we sent him to write about himself. Deal with it.
One thing I always like to tell people is that I know white people, for example I know people like Richard, Simon, Chris, Murray, Andy, Jordan, Barry and Tshepang (he went to St Johns). And if there’s one thing black people and white people love it’s MTV and street parties, it’s the perfect culmination of integration.  It brings together all those who drink Black Label beer (white folks) and those who drink Johnny Walker Black Label (Negroes),  graphic designers, coke heads and that same jewish girl from last year who asked to lend R10 from me.

Newtown, Carr street. A pinnacle area for Johannesburg’s urban renewal program, gentrification has never been this much fun. The line-up made me really wet. Last Week I couldnt stop grabbing my crotch whenever I drove past a poster for the party, Sibot, Richard the 3rd, Desmond and the Tutus, Shuffleshame and some stumbling fool in a suit named Big Space, that’s actually me, who vomited behind the DJ booth no too long ago at an art gallery exhibition in Melville. Sorry. Desmond and the Tutus were no where to be seen, but then again I did spend a great deal of time in a portaloo office taking down white lines and notes with my first generation Congolese friends. 

Shuffleshame is amazing, one of their members may have some gay tendencies such as pinching my ass and calling me his ‘nigga’, but these white people sure know how to cook up some electro. Sibot’s set was, as usual, pretty impressive since he’s now living that black bug inside of him which entered through his anus once he started liking DJ Cleo and chubby niggas like Big Nuz, which is a good thing, just like what the midget comedian Katt Williams said, “white people, you need your nigger friends, just dont call them that in public.” 

It was fucking freezing, my younger brother from Cape Town who came down to visit couldn’t believe the sight of all those whiteys gathered around a burning dustbin trying to get warm, he was like, “is that white hobo wearing Ed Hardy?” Big Space, my alter-ego, the Tropical House DJ wouldn’t stop bitching in my ear about how unfair it is that other artists are given a bottle of tequila to pour on bitches while they’re on stage except for him, despite the party being sponsored by Jose Cuervo… and I’m sure you know what his excuse was. ‘It’s because I’m light skinned black’. At this point he almost started crying but my Zimbabwen girlfriend saved the day and lied to him about how wonderfully huge the bulge in his pants is. 

Johannesburg is the shit despite what the arty fag haters have to say about it, despite the slightly smaller turnout compared to the street party they held earlier this year at the same spot, but hey, who am I to complain, everything is for free when you’re me.

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  1. djf says:

    Attention South Africans (and especially website editors)! In case you have totally forgotten….

    You BORROW money FROM someone and LEND money TO them. Oh, also “loose” and “lose” are two totally different words with totally different meanings.

    But then again, it’s only language and we really don’t give a fuck anyway – do we?

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  2. Nathan Zeno says:

    You know djf, we had a conversation about this story before we put it up. It went something like this.

    Ed. “We should correct the language or djf will complain”
    me. “But its stylistic, to correct it would fuck with the flow of the mindset”
    ed “Ja but djf will bitch”
    me “Fuck him if he can’t take a joke”

    So djf, in answer to the question, No, we don’t give a fuck.

    But you’re right on the “loose/lose” thing

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  3. Andy says:

    I didn’t even see the Loose/Lose thing – definitely would have changed that.

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  4. JD Salinger says:

    That’s right up there with using that christing word “whilst”.
    Don’t you fucking dare because I’ll never visit this site again.

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  5. montle says:

    ha,h,ha clearly i did a good job..or hit a white nerve…come on now white ppl..i love you.

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  6. djf says:

    Issues of good grammar in published articles is a “white nerve”? Explain please??

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  7. Nathan Zeno says:

    Whilst some may think good grammar is necessary others think of it as a tool of colonial oppression. Throw off the shackles of good grammar. Throw off the white peoples preconceptions about um, stuff. Dance in the streets to bad top twenty techno whilst eating franchised burgers!

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  8. Andy says:

    Still can’t find the lose/loose reference in this piece… or were you referring to that as something that annoys you in general?

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  9. djf says:

    The l(o)ose reference is a general one, not from the article. But it’s so pervasive in South Africa at the moment that I thought it was worth a mention. The fact that others are doing double-takes when reference is made is perhaps a perverse form of vindication?

    Nathan’s remarks on the topic are somewhat predictable – but also very telling of some undercurrents running through South African society at present that may be worthy of further debate. What kind of standards do we set for ourselves as a nation, how many of these bear colonial baggage and are therefore open to abuse and manipulation from some setors of the population? Alternately, if English is a truly international language do we not open ourselves as a nation to lower international regard, lower competitiveness and general ridicule on a global scale when we neglect to uphold certain standards of communication?

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  10. Nathan Zeno says:

    uh, Nathan is nothing if not at least somewhat predictable. As you are djf. I could point out at this juncture that I was not being entirely serious and that I also expected you to take it seriously but lets not even go there.

    instead lets go here. You seem to like rules, standards and constraints. I seem to like freedom of expression. While I agree that it’s good that we all spell correctly I do think that we need to respect other peoples experiences and the way they choose to express those experiences, whether they are being serious or taking the piss. I ask you one question, if the borrow/lend thing is disallowed how is a writer meant to express the fact that some people use the term incorrectly by joking about it without constantly footnoting everything and looking like an anal retentive arsehole? Just a thought.

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  11. djf says:

    So Montle “meant to express the fact that some people use the term incorrectly by joking about it” and this is obvious to anyone who reads his piece?

    NIce try Zeno. Perhaps less finesse during the excuse phase and more during the editorial would be in order? That’s what other reputable websites and publications do and that’s why they don’t succumb to the borrow/lend error (if you don’t believe me please try and find an example).

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  12. montle says:

    Lord….you need a girlfriend, or boyfriend,way too much time buddy. way too much.

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  13. Nathan Zeno says:

    okay, Dee Jay to the Eff, let me spell it out for you like this. You Just Don’t Get It. It aint no crime, It’s because your time is up, you’ve all grown up. This be off da cuff, but i can borrow you some cred, if you’ll maybe grow some white boy dreads get outta your head, cause my man montle got something to tell and that just be simple pal, You Just Don’t Get It. Move the fuck on.

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  14. Andy says:

    I’m doing a double take cos I’m the bladdy editor!

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  15. julius says:

    This colonialist djf has a very bad attitude. He is counter-revolutionary and we do not want him here. He must go away for re-education by the many boyfriends of that Helen Zille.

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  16. Andy says:

    I remember this from second year english – language is a living, dynamic thing – it grows and changes as a living organism. Attempts to control it are futile. Especially in South Africa where we have 11 official languages – and only two of them were written down more than 150 years ago. Before the arrival of whiteys, language was a far more fluid and dynamic thing, existing only in the spoken word.

    In SA, the majority don’t speak english as their mother tongue. In their appropriation of the lingua franca, there is bound to be some variation of use and meaning…

    The point is – without being pedantic – when Montle says lend instead of borrow and vice versa – does it make a difference? You understand what he is communicating. Why try and control that usage. It’s just being petty. In terms of Loose and Lose it’s understandable because the words mean two different things – and thus my concerted sweeping of this story for the mistake. But I won’t change Lend to Borrow – because that’s an appropriate use of language.

    If we all spoke perfect “King’s English” we wouldn’t have the ability to capture the nuances of our cultural experience now, in South Africa. There would be no space for words like Kif, Kak, Woza, Skyf, Poes, Moer, Lekker, Ntsa, Yster, Moja – even Sharp!

    And it’s not just english that’s changing – look at the following scamto, xhosa and zulu words

    Lokshini – taken from Location
    Dokotela – taken from Doctor
    Molo – Hello – taken from the Afrikaans More
    Cheled – Money – taken from the Afrikaans Geld
    uKleva – Smart person – taken from Clever

    You see DJF it’s just being petty and pedantic and prescribing to some language dogma that you were taught in high school. Who can blame you, they used to whip us all the time…

    But it’s the same as bitching at someone who leaves their tea-spoon in their cup when they drink their coffee. Contrary to popular belief, they’re not going to poke their eye out. It just offends a personal dogmatic belief of what “good manners” are. But really, it don’t mean shit.

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  17. Carol Reed says:

    Is Montle single? Is he good looking? Does he put out on first dates?
    These are the important questions.

    Whilst others may lend styles from grade 7 prescribed English books Montle borrows to our culture a lose (win!) definition of what it means to loose yourself. And for that I’m sure I can sell his pale ass to a couple of Chinese girls I know from Constantia.

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  18. Nathan Zeno says:

    oh and djf, it is obvious to anyone who reads the piece. That is, except you.

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  19. Annoyed says:

    Hey Djf, time to pull your head out of your ass and take a good look at where you are! Do you think that spelling and grammar on some dude’s blog really matters when most South Africans have much, much bigger challenges to deal with, like poverty, AIDS, crime, homelessness? I bet yr some spoilt white brat who can’t help whinging all day long because you’ve noticed that this country is now joining the rest of Africa and the Real World. If you don’t like it why don’t you emigrate somewhere where everyone is “better educated” – like Zimbabwe where kids do A-levels in English and a fat load of good it did them!

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  20. Nathan Zeno says:

    I take offense at the use of the word “Blog”

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  21. Andy says:

    me too. mahala is not a blog… and you really are annoyed aren’t you. We like DJF – and just because he likes grammar doesn’t mean he has to go live in Zimbabwe

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  22. nolan oswald dennis says:

    “The l(o)ose reference is a general one, not from the article. But it’s so pervasive in South Africa at the moment that I thought it was worth a mention. The fact that others are doing double-takes when reference is made is perhaps a perverse form of vindication?”

    this whole l(o)ose shit isn’t even in the article? come on (white) people…

    the party sounds like it sucked.

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  23. laughing says:

    jesuuuuuus that was funny to read.
    who needs to even bother reading the original article or wondering about the party, with comment feed like that. words fail to describe the awesomeness of such pedantic worries and fights.
    too, too rad.

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  24. Carol Reed says:

    “Words fail”. I take exception to that comment. Are these words failing? I ask you.

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  25. Colonel Harland Sanders and his secret recipe says:

    I once saw Montle see ten white people. That motherfucker be straight psychic genius. Make me ‘loose’ my shit. Let the man be.

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