I Know White Peopleby Montle Moorosi / 07.08.2009
Our man Montle Moorosi has a gift. He sees white people. Everywhere. So we sent him to cover the MTV Urban Electric Street Festival in Newtown where his alter ego was playing. Yes we sent him to write about himself. Deal with it.
One thing I always like to tell people is that I know white people, for example I know people like Richard, Simon, Chris, Murray, Andy, Jordan, Barry and Tshepang (he went to St Johns). And if there’s one thing black people and white people love it’s MTV and street parties, it’s the perfect culmination of integration. It brings together all those who drink Black Label beer (white folks) and those who drink Johnny Walker Black Label (Negroes), graphic designers, coke heads and that same jewish girl from last year who asked to lend R10 from me.
Newtown, Carr street. A pinnacle area for Johannesburg’s urban renewal program, gentrification has never been this much fun. The line-up made me really wet. Last Week I couldnt stop grabbing my crotch whenever I drove past a poster for the party, Sibot, Richard the 3rd, Desmond and the Tutus, Shuffleshame and some stumbling fool in a suit named Big Space, that’s actually me, who vomited behind the DJ booth no too long ago at an art gallery exhibition in Melville. Sorry. Desmond and the Tutus were no where to be seen, but then again I did spend a great deal of time in a portaloo office taking down white lines and notes with my first generation Congolese friends.
Shuffleshame is amazing, one of their members may have some gay tendencies such as pinching my ass and calling me his ‘nigga’, but these white people sure know how to cook up some electro. Sibot’s set was, as usual, pretty impressive since he’s now living that black bug inside of him which entered through his anus once he started liking DJ Cleo and chubby niggas like Big Nuz, which is a good thing, just like what the midget comedian Katt Williams said, “white people, you need your nigger friends, just dont call them that in public.”
It was fucking freezing, my younger brother from Cape Town who came down to visit couldn’t believe the sight of all those whiteys gathered around a burning dustbin trying to get warm, he was like, “is that white hobo wearing Ed Hardy?” Big Space, my alter-ego, the Tropical House DJ wouldn’t stop bitching in my ear about how unfair it is that other artists are given a bottle of tequila to pour on bitches while they’re on stage except for him, despite the party being sponsored by Jose Cuervo… and I’m sure you know what his excuse was. ‘It’s because I’m light skinned black’. At this point he almost started crying but my Zimbabwen girlfriend saved the day and lied to him about how wonderfully huge the bulge in his pants is.
Johannesburg is the shit despite what the arty fag haters have to say about it, despite the slightly smaller turnout compared to the street party they held earlier this year at the same spot, but hey, who am I to complain, everything is for free when you’re me.