3 Second Memoriesby Montle Moorosi, images by Justin McGee & JR Onyangunga / 05.11.2009
Aah life, it’s like a game of chess where the pieces are black and white filthy penises you’re too afraid to touch. No Moves.
I almost didn’t go to this shindig, in fact I was like fuck Andy Davis. Two nights before he said he had Jean Rene, Justin Mcgee and myself on the VIP list at The Bank, he even said we could drink free Chivas Regal the whole night, this obviously did not happen. Did you know that toilet water with a slice of lemon actually tastes like Smirnoff Storm after a while?
I like Goldfish, but that bald old bastard sure knows how to suck the marrow out of your bones, and eat your pap and cabbage on top of it because he thinks he’s so down with black people. I got a black sister too bitch! Christ, I dont even want to get started about his tyrannical bombardment of phone calls, he’s such a little old bored fag. I hate cellphones in general, but Andy is the reason why people lose their hair when they undergo kemo therapy, Andy is that messed up element in nature that came up with dingleberries, Andy is the reason why black people have cholesterol. Andy Davis can never put down the phone, and he loves to repeat himself, I always tell him I’m in a class when he calls me so I can just have lunch in peace or make oral relations with my girlfriend, but now that I’ve failed my Masters, I can’t escape the bald Jew.
When a retired prostitute drives past her old corner and that same spot where his or her knees used to touch the cold street, the hooker has a tiny fleeting thought that goes, “hey, the money wasn’t that bad,” and then the street slut realises, “nah, I dont want herpes ever again, ever!” So when Andy asked me to go cover Goldfish even though I’ve officialy retired from music journalism, instead of having the fleeting thought of sucking cock again for money instead I just went and did it again, I’m such a little whore.
“Write about the music”, “what about the music? He didnt say anything about the music”. Bitch, I’ll do that once I start getting pampered by these artists and organisers, yes you heard me, I’m talking about junket journalism, bribery, bias, gifts, free shit. You dont like the way I write? Then pay me, email me if you need my account details. I did not even get a press pass for the show, and I’m supposed to sit here and write about how, “sweet the acoustics were at the stadium” or how “340ml makes me want to smoke a doobie.” Can you believe that people still say words like doobie?
I got to the show late because I’m a professional asshole and also because I had a slight case of typhoid and arrived during 340ml’s last song, which was of course “midnight driving”, I like 340ml but this shit is getting tiring, their music hasn’t really changed much over the years, if they aren’t careful they may end up turning into another UB40, the white reggae band. The Blk Jks, the black rock band. And don’t even ask me who 7th Son is or City Bowl Mizers, I just assume that they suck because Justin Mcgee likes them and believe me when I say his sense of taste wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a walrus turd and a lobster tail.
But to be fair and honest, Goldfish rocked the ovaries out of that bitch’s tummy, hard. I can see why they’re Ibiza residents, those Disney looking Camps Bay cocktail mongers know what they’re doing and they do it well. I mean, they can make a saxophone not sound like something your gay, cheap dad would play on his death bed. The black guy who raps with them is kak dodgy though, his style is sort of something like the rapper from the techno group 2 Unlimited with a bit of Kurt Darren in him.
I remember that the last thing I went to at Emmarentia was Rocking the Gardens, I saw alot of the same people from the last time, but this time round it was sunnier and all the girls were looking particularly very slutty which is a big bonus for me and most people raised in a western world, or just anyone who isn’t a taxi driver. Why is indecent exposure a crime? why are girls allowed to flash their ass and tits when they’re drunk but it’s a big sin when I take a wank when I see a hot asian girl gyrating her flat but appealing ass to house music?
The brothel is open again, the jail cells have been opened and the legs are wide apart, the jaws are dropped and the knees are blackened, again.