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3 Second Memories

3 Second Memories

by Montle Moorosi, images by Justin McGee & JR Onyangunga / 05.11.2009

Aah life, it’s like a game of chess where the pieces are black and white filthy penises you’re too afraid to touch. No Moves.

I almost didn’t go to this shindig, in fact I was like fuck Andy Davis. Two nights before he said he had Jean Rene, Justin Mcgee and myself on the VIP list at The Bank, he even said we could drink free Chivas Regal the whole night, this obviously did not happen. Did you know that toilet water with a slice of lemon actually tastes like Smirnoff Storm after a while?

I love Goldfish, so does she

I love Goldfish, so does she

I like Goldfish, but that bald old bastard sure knows how to suck the marrow out of your bones, and eat your pap and cabbage on top of it because he thinks he’s so down with black people. I got a black sister too bitch! Christ, I dont even want to get started about his tyrannical bombardment of phone calls, he’s such a little old bored fag. I hate cellphones in general, but Andy is the reason why people lose their hair when they undergo kemo therapy, Andy is that messed up element in nature that came up with dingleberries, Andy is the reason why black people have cholesterol. Andy Davis can never put down the phone, and he loves to repeat himself, I always tell him I’m in a class when he calls me so I can just have lunch in peace or make oral relations with my girlfriend, but now that I’ve failed my Masters, I can’t escape the bald Jew.

Hi Julle!

Hi Julle!

When a retired prostitute drives past her old corner and that same spot where his or her knees used to touch the cold street, the hooker has a tiny fleeting thought that goes, “hey, the money wasn’t that bad,” and then the street slut realises, “nah, I dont want herpes ever again, ever!” So when Andy asked me to go cover Goldfish even though I’ve officialy retired from music journalism, instead of having the fleeting thought of sucking cock again for money instead I just went and did it again, I’m such a little whore.

The long hours of research

The long hours of research

“Write about the music”, “what about the music? He didnt say anything about the music”. Bitch, I’ll do that once I start getting pampered by these artists and organisers, yes you heard me, I’m talking about junket journalism, bribery, bias, gifts, free shit. You dont like the way I write? Then pay me, email me if you need my account details. I did not even get a press pass for the show, and I’m supposed to sit here and write about how, “sweet the acoustics were at the stadium” or how “340ml makes me want to smoke a doobie.” Can you believe that people still say words like doobie?

This is 340ml

This is 340ml

I got to the show late because I’m a professional asshole and also because I had a slight case of typhoid and arrived during 340ml’s last song, which was of course “midnight driving”, I like 340ml but this shit is getting tiring, their music hasn’t really changed much over the years, if they aren’t careful they may end up turning into another UB40, the white reggae band. The Blk Jks, the black rock band. And don’t even ask me who 7th Son is or City Bowl Mizers, I just assume that they suck because Justin Mcgee likes them and believe me when I say his sense of taste wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a walrus turd and a lobster tail.

this is the City Bowl Mizers

this is the City Bowl Mizers

But to be fair and honest, Goldfish rocked the ovaries out of that bitch’s tummy, hard. I can see why they’re Ibiza residents, those Disney looking Camps Bay cocktail mongers know what they’re doing and they do it well. I mean, they can make a saxophone not sound like something your gay, cheap dad would play on his death bed. The black guy who raps with them is kak dodgy though, his style is sort of something like the rapper from the techno group 2 Unlimited with a bit of Kurt Darren in him.

a Cape Town state of mind

a Cape Town state of mind

I remember that the last thing I went to at Emmarentia was Rocking the Gardens, I saw alot of the same people from the last time, but this time round it was sunnier and all the girls were looking particularly very slutty which is a big bonus for me and most people raised in a western world, or just anyone who isn’t a taxi driver. Why is indecent exposure a crime? why are girls allowed to flash their ass and tits when they’re drunk but it’s a big sin when I take a wank when I see a hot asian girl gyrating her flat but appealing ass to house music?

I love you

I love you

The brothel is open again, the jail cells have been opened and the legs are wide apart, the jaws are dropped and the knees are blackened, again.

Bye julle! Call me...

Bye julle! Call me...

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RESPONSES (26)
  1. grim says:

    stick to the tabloids
    your writing doesn’t belong here.

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  2. Andy says:

    Uh…

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  3. Phalafala says:

    Grim, seems like your outlook is as bad as your nickname… This is the shit right here. Go Montle… Go Montle… shake your ovaries out boy!

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  4. token says:

    Okay this is the third time I am writing a response to this. I realised I was beating around the bush. I don’t like it. See I think I understand your angle, that whole anti establishment thing that everyone is doing with rude remarks that are supposed to be taken as good jokes. Admittedly it works most times. But I swear this is not one of those times.

    And I know you most probably don’t give a flying monkeys tail of such responses. But I read it three times. I figured I finished it the first time so there must be something catchy about it. Turns out the only reason I finished it three times was my hope of getting to the end and catching a punch line or something. But nothing happened.
    I really hope this is one of those writers block sessions that collide with deadlines or better yet a twisted marketing scheme to get us talking. Cause if this is how you earn your money, then the world really is an unfair place.

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  5. djf says:

    Normally I chuckle heartily at least once when reading one of Montle’s pieces, but not this time.

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  6. Andy says:

    I liked it, but mainly because he said my name a whole bunch of times

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  7. montle says:

    i told you, i earn my money from being a rent boy.

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  8. Doctor. L says:

    Ha Ha. Funny shit.

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  9. small face says:

    grim & token, stand up, step away from your computers, and get a life. ask montle for directions.

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  10. fanboy says:

    I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again.

    Montle, boy are you good.

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  11. tedious says:

    This self-congratulatory offensive style for the sake of your own inner circle enjoyment has got to stop at some point, guys. Same shit, different article. This site is great, but less with the wanking, maybe.

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  12. cheap wine says:

    its all about wanking and thats fine….this by far has to be his most sallow article, but like he said it still rocked the ovaries out the bitches tummy hard.

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  13. your mother says:

    your writing rocks. fuck everyone

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  14. Kontlap says:

    great article oke – as usual – and they shall politic as usual.

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  15. Jean Rene says:

    Has anybody got some cheese….

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  16. slang police says:

    i like the word ‘doobie’

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  17. montle says:

    i would love some mozzarella.

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  18. helen help us says:

    people are under the impression that what this guy does is clever or hip or original or something, but really it’s like 2nd rate Perez Hilton gossip. So why is everyone convinced he’s some kind of genius?

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  19. Andy says:

    Don’t you hate it when no one will explain the joke?

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  20. EffFreddy says:

    More buns from unexpecting drunk girls next tym…

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  21. SlickTiger says:

    Awesome, nice and abrasive, I got nothing from this piece except that Montle needs to adjust his meds and / or is a total jerk, which is way cooler than finding out about another dumb Goldfish concert at Emerentia.

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  22. pravda23 says:

    🙂 the joy of doing whatever you want.

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  23. KingDez says:

    All writing is subjective. The fact that you had some kind of reaction to the tripe above means the work had some purpose, all be it similar to sticking your finger through the toilet paper. Sad use of conjunctions and perhaps too few commas make it shit writing. Although, throw in a couple of cocks and hooker references and you have what passes for cutting edge journalism in this colorless who give a fuck.
    S.M.D.

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  24. Slippery Nip.... says:

    Its got lots of potential but I think Monte? tries a bit too hard. Subtract a few F&*% and other derogatory terms (which appears to push the envelope through the slit in the house next door) and you have quite a funny, relevant piece.

    As hip and aggresive (blunt) as you’re trying to be, whether it be for status or some sort of recognition – A hint of intelligence and some finesse will definitely score points.
    Just a note….. use it, don’t use it.

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  25. Sfiso says:

    When my soul was hurtin deep within
    And I’m worring to be free, desperately, yeah
    So guide and protect I and I oh JAH, JAH
    Through all these ages

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  26. just a nobody says:

    Offensive, but maybe more people need to be pissed off nowadays…makes for great entertainment!

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