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Oh Maya

Oh Maya

by Nathan Zeno / 03.12.2009

Finally a brave independent filmmaker with a small budget has come out to tell the truth about the impending end of the world. In a tight unemotional and decidedly non-hyperbolic style Roland Emmerich states clearly and factually what is about to happen to our planet.

2012 works so well because it is the paragon of restraint. It is work of clear thinking expounded through proven fact. It manages to clearly state that because the Mayan calendar is coming to the end of one cycle, the earth’s axis will shift, tsunamis will submerge the world and Woody Harrelson will dress up as a hippy only to be killed by a giant fireball. It’s all there; the Mayans predicted it and it will come true. Elephants will fly. You know by being strapped to helicopters and flown to the Himalaya’s to be installed in 8 giant “Arks” each having seating for 50 000 people at a ticket price of One Billion Euros’. There are 200 000 people who have a billion Euros to spend on some plan based on a prediction of a culture that couldn’t even predict it’s own demise? So many questions. The Russian guy with the cheap slut girlfriend doesn’t get her a ticket on the Arks because she has an affair, so he ends up not having anyone to have sex with at the end of the world? The President of Italy decides to die with his own people instead of running away? Seriously, the President of Italy!


Emmerich’s 2012 is a natural evolution from his Independence Day and Godzilla. He likes to destroy things and in this flick his digital kill count runs to the billions. The fact that he has destroyed the White House before and does it this time almost as an after thought, speaks of growth. Clearly the particle accelerator thing that has a 0.0000000000000000001% chance of destroying the universe will be the basis for his next film.

2012 is ridiculously bad, but because the scale of destruction is so large it becomes meaningless, it’s not even so bad-its-good, it’s just tiring, relentless and unfunny. Oliver Platt delivers his best bluster as a sorta bad guy, Danny Glover does a good stoic President and John Cusack is chubby.

Chubby Cusack

The flimsy nature of the film is evident in the fact that the earth shifts it polar axis, in like 8 hours, the continents shift in less than 24, then 48 hours later the world is consumed by the sea. But somehow, miraculously, 27 days later, everything is fine and the only place that survives is the Cape of Good Hope? 2012 is so unrelentingly awful that it isn’t even fun to make fun of it.

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  1. Lochie says:

    Sadly, the movie has grossed US$235mil globally. A sure sign the Earth is going to open up and swallow us all!!!

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  2. Maya the bee says:

    @ Lochie – is that a lot or a little? Apologies in advance if this question is ignorant.

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  3. Lochie says:

    Too much for this kind of repetitive bollocks. That figure, by the way, was in the first 3 days, people love this kind of stuff… that’s the sad part.

    Fair enough?

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  4. Canubis says:

    Rather stick pins in my eyes.

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  5. Maya the bee says:

    aah, thank you lochie. ja, sheep all of them. bring on the end!

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  6. This is why says:

    I found it hillarious, watched it while i was flying and i would give it a ten out of ten then but i’ve seen it again and i left for another cinema after ten minutes.

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