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Anal Sex Education

The Backdoor

by Vicky Hale / 06.11.2010

It’s the mid-90’s, we’re sixteen and have just discovered sex. In hindsight, I’m a huge advocate of comprehensive sex education. Back then, all the sex ed I’d had were a few extra-curricular classes on ‘You and Your Body’ which in essence covered two topics:

1. The thing goes into the thingie… and that’s where babies come from.
2. Condoms… how to avoid pregnancy and other diseases.

A step up from abstinence-only education but still, there were a few things I personally feel they may have skipped over. Like anal sex.

Teen sex is awkward and fumbly by nature. There’s no need to exacerbate the situation. I look back on those insecure, self-conscious years with much empathy and a burning desire to take my younger self and her well-meaning boyfriend aside and give them the heads up. The Internet was but a fledgling. Cues were taken from more traditional media, like unearthed porn mags, “blue” movies that the parentals had smuggled in from Swaziland, and the occasional raunchy scene in a film. Only hippies and intellectuals spoke openly about sex and they weren’t regular dinner guests. We couldn’t Google ‘Anal Sex for Dummies’. It was still the Dark Ages of Ananzi. Left to our own hormone-frenzied devices we thought that if there was something highly technical involved, someone would have mentioned it.

We’re in the shower. I’m focusing on fitting two people into a small space and desperately searching for the holy grail of cramped sex positions before my mood dissipates. Shampoo bottles and pumice stones are raining down on me. He’s got soap in one hand and a naked chick in the other, and is gleefully making the most of the situation. Then he drops the soap. Poor guy is trying to come off as suave as possible. He stares accusingly at the Lux like it’s a traitor. The last bottle of conditioner falls on my head. That’s it for me. I’m wet. I have a headache. I want nothing more than to towel off, smoke a joint, and watch the Simpsons. Just need to pick up the soap before either of us cracks open a skull.

Bending over was perhaps too tempting for a now pumped up, horny boy-teen who’d managed to get his girlfriend sudded up. I should have mentioned that I was now more interested in cartoons than canoodling. But that day was a matter of hit and miss on a number of levels. The guy was not aiming for my ass but that’s where he landed. As an understatement, it was a surprise. Next thing I know I’m a teary heap on the shower floor. My head is swimming and it feels like a pissed off kangaroo kicked me in the stomach. My sphincter is furiously nailing up a bright yellow ‘road closed until further notice’ sign. I limp out of the bathroom determined never to venture into the realm of anal again. He slumps out with a shattered ego and years of therapy ahead of him.

Time, however, is a phenomenal changer of minds. In conjunction with experimentation and experience. Varsity years are perfect for the expansion of one’s sexual repertoire. Altering my state of consciousness, intellectually and/or recreationally, lent itself quite nicely to seeking out new sexual horizons. There was one boyfriend who had a bit of a fetish for anal sex. Google still wasn’t as ubiquitous but the glut of porn on the net was now freely available, even to impoverished students, if you knew where to look and had the patience to deal with dial-up tones, slow download time, and the awful image quality. It gave us the impression that we’d finally arrived at the true information age of enlightened sexuality. Massive clips and images of anal were but a click and download away. I watched them avidly like the many educational videos that were denied to me as a child.

Of course we had to try all this new stuff out. This kind of theory is rather useless if there’s no practical. But alas, the porn turned out not to be the most illuminating material. Darn porn aesthetics, so sexy but so not useful. It was the frank conversations I had with other drunken women that bestowed upon me the crucial knowledge of good anal sex. It came down to three things: Time, position and LUBE! Such simple advice which made a world of difference. After many failed attempts of painful rear entry, anal guy was falling over himself to try out anything that would get us to the point of awesome ass boinking.

So we made an evening of it. There was wining, dining and fancy French lingerie. Lots of foreplay that involves his slicked up finger (with well trimmed nails) making little circles around my glory hole while I lie on my back getting well aquianted with my vibrator. It has this magical effect. The more turned on I get, and the more time he spends on me, the deeper he can press. Eventually he’s on his back sporting a massive boner and I’m bearing down on him like a hungry tigress. The lube is flowing like milk and honey. I stick a condom on him for extra smoothness and slowly, oh so very slowly, lower myself on top of him. He dreamily murmurs “breathe babe” and I puff away like I’m giving birth. The Lemaze-style breathing relaxes me just that extra bit so I can fit in his head, and before I know it, floop, his shaft is in there too. After that the only difficulty, really, is staying on for the remainder of the ride. We soon realise that my clit is readily available for finger and vibrator stimulation. And the climax is fantastically intense bordering on mind-blowing.

The road is now most definitely open. But I still wonder how different the last few years would have been if sex ed had just mentioned, by the way kids, check out the Durex lube range, available at Pick ‘n Pay, don’t use porn for educational purposes, and grown-ups actually do know more than they’re telling you.

PS – Now we can Google ‘Anal Sex for Dummies

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RESPONSES (9)
  1. Waldorph says:

    Now that was an awesome read! will try asap!

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  2. Anus Ranger says:

    I Heart Anal. I hearted this even harder! Mahala, you’ve done it again! Fuck yeah!

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  3. andrew says:

    there’s always time 4 lube!

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  4. Rose says:

    Are you seriously suggesting that sex education in schools should comprehensively cover all the sex positions? That should take all the joy out of discovering sex! It could be a good way to bring down the rate of teenage pregnancy though. Who wants to do something for fun when you’ve had to write exams on “Describe the wheelbarrow position” or “Name 3 types of lubricant”.

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  5. Everyman says:

    Dear Vicky,

    You fucking rock.

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  6. Dr Pops says:

    while you’re at it you might want to google the risks associated with anal sex as well. They can be quite horrific and it is the kind of information you don’t share with your friends.

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  7. dorothy black says:

    YAY! what a great read!

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  8. Vicky says:

    Greetings All,

    Everyman, you rock too. And Waldorf I hope that if you tried it out it was most awesome and pleasurable for all involbed

    Rose, educational concern noted. However I do write exams and very, very long essays on sex positions and various sex-related products. In my personal experiences it doesn’t put a wet blanket on my discovery of all the very sexy and cool things out there. I feel better equipped and more knowledgeable. I generally know the do’s and dont’s, and when I do want to try something new, I can do it safely with optimal pleasure and yumminess. Also, being able to rattle off this kind of stuff is a pretty neat party trick.

    For sure though, sex ed for kids has to totally be age appropriate. Not all the sex positions have to be covered just the fact that there are different positions. Informing girls and boys about each others physiology lets them know that natural lubrication (if there’s no medical problems) comes from the inside walls of the vagina. Not the clit or the bum. The logical leap to use lube in sex play may be a little easier for people to make.

    Dr Pops, you are quite right! Anal play can be a health hazard if you don’t play safe. Rectal tissue is seriously thin and going in too hard too quickly can tear this delicate skin. Bacteria can easily infect tears which can be super irritating and painful, and if left untreated, can spread. For the same reason, there is a high risk of STD transmission. All sorts of stuff including herpes, hepatitis, HPV, and HIV can be transmitted via open wounds and semen.

    PLAYING SAFE is part and parcel of the anal game.

    Number one, use a condom. Not only does it protect you and your partner but it provides extra lubrication.

    Number two, using lube, going slowly, and being gentle reduces the risk of tearing.

    Number three, if you’re going to use toys like dildos and butt plus, sterilize them, lube em up, and treat them like needles i.e. one butt plug per person. If you have multiple partners, and want to re-use them, your toys need to be safe too, so stick a condom on them.

    On a final note Dr Pops, I sincerely wish more people would feel comfortable sharing their horror stories with their friends. We could all learn a lot from what we’re all too embarassed to say.

    Play safe and have fun,

    Vicky

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  9. To Gross or not too Gross says:

    Vagina is awesome ……Awesomeness – designed in so many wonderful ways to accept hard and pleasurable hammering from a virtual endless array of angles.

    Ass hole on the other hand is a rather fudged point of entry , that cute little starfish, entry there forth will leave a generally uncomfortable time of sitting and shitting for a day or 2 (if there’s tissue damage you may be looking at a week….or two , maybe your GP can take a look if it gets out of hand Ha ha ha)
    Ow yummy!

    But that being said each to his own , pleasure has no price , we all know that!

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