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Hagen Engler, Jason Bronkhorst

Where you taking us, boet?

by Hagen Engler, illustration Jason Bronkhorst / 18.06.2011

I don’t know about this place, hey. We been here a month and already I just want to get back to Joburg, to my friends. To people I can trust. I mean, my chick’s working here at the hospital, and you wanna support her and that, but fuck, that commute is killing me, and there some weird people here.

So last night we go out for a bit of a jol. To this club in town. You know mos how we dig a bit of a boogie.
So we go to this thing at this bar and you must check this place. Super… I dunno what you’d call it… Super unpretentious. It’s just a square room with tables and chairs, a couple of pool tables…
We checked the end of the Cheetahs game there.
And they got this little stage in the corner and this DJ oke comes and sets up his little PC set-up with some speakers and some CDs and shit. Bald oke with two big silver earrings like a pirate. And one of those flat caps and a little chin beard. You know what I mean?
So we have a couple of dops and they turn down the lights and this oke starts playing this music. Commercial dance and all this kak. Lady Gaga.
But my babe digs it and anyway, we have a coupla dops and get into it. The oke’s jolling Rihanna and Katy Perry and that, but then he jols that new one with Eminem and Dr Dre, which is okay. So it’s not too bad.

So we get a bit pissed and stick around for a bit. A couple of cats pull in, it’s quite a little community jol, you know. You know, like, in a small town there’s all kinds of okes. There’s… these guys that work in IT in Alberton, and school lighties in goth outfits, some couples… Those old okes that just sit at the end of the bar having a Windhoek and not saying fuckall to nobody…

We play some pool and that. Then the oke plays a bit of David Guetta – you know that one with, um, with the chick who was in Destiny’s Child… Not Beyonce. Ja, so he plays that one. When Love Takes Over! Ja, kief tune.
I check he’s drinking Peronis, so I bring him a Peroni and ask if he’s got that Black Eyed Peas song “Boom Boom Pow”.

And the next thing it’s late and there’s hardly anyone left and the oke starts playing this weird music. I don’t know if you know that, um, what do they call it? It’s like reggae, but it’s more like… not dub, it’s… Ja! Dubstep! He starts playing this dubstep shit.
You dig it? I don’t know, hey. Anyway, he starts playing this stuff, so I ask him about spliff. Does he have any zol?
You know how I normally get from Oscar, but now I’m here and I been missioning to get, so this ou schemes ja he’s got some and we go for a spliff outside with this oke.

Bra, I’m telling you. I’m sure this guy spiked us with tik or something. I’ve never been that fucked ever. Even now, I’m still like trembling. It just went on an on and on. From one mini-blader!
I’m sure there was some tik in this oke’s zol. Me and my babe, it just klapped us so hard! We get back in the place and I just feel, like, I dunno. You know when your skin suddenly feels all grimy? And I don’t know if I wanna pass out or dance or, like, have another twenty drinks or what, but the dubstep starts sounding a bit better, so we jol a bit more and have a few more Peronis or whatever.

But you know me, man. I’m not a lightweight, hey. I’m used to my proper zol, okay. But this shit was summing else. Fucked, hey! My chick’s been kotching…

And then the next thing the oke invites us to this “afterparty”. Ha! More like a personal afterparty! He tunes us he lives just round the corner, so we think ja, why not. So when the place closes, we follow this oke. Broe, he lives in, like, Sasolburg or something. And we rushing the whole time. I dunno if it was, maybe, cat or something.

After an hour of following this oke I flick him and I pull over. I tune him where you taking us, boet? He’s like no, it’s just round the corner. Just follow me. But now I’m getting serious misgivings about this. Something just doesn’t feel right. I scheme the okes were going to rob us, hey. He was probably taking us to his drug den, where they were gonna mug us and take the car, I scheme.

Or maybe I was just paranoid. I don’t know.

But in the end I just turned the car around and fucked off home. Just got the fuck out of there. I scheme we dodged a bullet there, maybe.

Only feeling kak now, though. Haven’t even managed to get out the house. But I’ll come up to Joburg next weekend, though. We must hook up. Go for a beer at the Brazen Head or something. Ja, somewhere safe!

*Illustration © Jason Bronkhorst.

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