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The Pie Man's Revenge

The Pie Man’s Revenge

by Mello Moropa, images by JR Onyangunga / 30.11.2009

We were sipping bottle-cap shots of gin from our humble car-bar when Dr Pachanga, turned to me and said, “God loves us.” And at that moment I realised that my relentless and often fruitless pursuit for the party in this cocktease of a city has not been in vain. The best way I can think to put it is: The Alexander theatre did us best. And all blame goes to Dr Pachanga and the Pie Man.

A chubby brunette gave us some info about a jol at the Kitchener in Braamfontein. Dr Pachanga and I were keen. We had just shot a short film and felt we owed it to ourselves to get drunk as best as we could. So we left headquarters with a bottle of gin, a carton of orange juice and the hope that this would not end up being another, “Jozi Night”. The type that feels like getting a full body massage from a blind, one armed Thai prostitute. All a dude wants is a happy ending, really.


We got lost. And after driving past Club Ink’s menstrual red carpet for the third time I was ready to give up, go home, jerk off and go to sleep. But not Pachanga: “Let’s go to the garage, someone there will know.” This is where the Pie Man enters from stage left. Pachanga notices a thin, tall white boy dressed in a metallic silver blazer and pink skinnies (very indie indeed) at the till. The guy is paying for ten pies. And what do you do when you see a fellow such as this, buying ten pies from a garage at just past midnight? You ask what the fuck he’s up to. “They’re for my bouncers. I’m throwing a party at the Alexander Theatre. It’s right across the road. Come I’ll show you, let’s go.”

The Pie Man's Spot

We arrive and it looks promising. I spot at least eight truly hot girls as we follow the Pie Man towards the entrance. And while I was in the middle of an inner debate about whether or not that Asian girl with the pink top would do a black guy, the Pie Man turns around: “The cover’s a hundred bucks okes.” Shit, I knew it, it was too good. I was working out the best route home when I hear Pachanga tell someone, “We are the media. I’m the photographer, he’s the writer!” It’s an old Congolese mind control spell I’m sure, because right after he said it, we were literally forced into the place.

Say no more...

It was the club scene in the Matrix except with way less black people. The DJ’s were in a tower at least 3 metres above the dance floor: pumping their fists in time with the electro tidal wave radiating from the speakers. Dr Pachanga let’s loose, capturing beautiful souls in his lens. Some kid balancing a jar of what I’m sure was a dangerous liquid on his head.

Balancing Act

A brunette starts bumping the Dr’s groin with her bum. He has become distracted. I snatch the camera and head towards the origins of this electronic barrage. On the way up the stairs I encounter a blonde in a little black dress. She sees the camera and begins to pose. Snap! Snap! Snap! I want to make out with her now, but I have a girlfriend and the DJs were waving me up into the booth. The view from the top surprised me. It looked like everyone was one gigantic, rhythm challenged organism: beautiful.

Rhythm Challenges

I spot Pachanga. What’s going on? It seems like him and the brunette are wrestling. I make my way down the tower; push through the wall of sweat, hair, legs and breasts, to find Pachanga on the floor. The brunette had him in a headlock, using her leg. He assures me that he is fine so I move on. More pictures, more drinks more, amusement, the play continues.

Spoek and Friends

So now I’m at the car bar with the honourable Spoek Mathambo. He takes long deep swigs of my gin and seems to get increasingly sober with each mouthful. He’s saying something, but I’m not listening. I’m thinking about what I have learned from this party (a habit I picked from watching too many episodes of Shera). Firstly, I would definitely do Tamara Day.

No.1 Tamara

Secondly. Fuck it. That’s all I learned. Tamara Day and two bumble-heads we met earlier invite us to Truth. The one bumble-head has an inexplicably wide smile, as if he is trying to show off every single tooth. He scared me that one. It was only after we drove passed the Marlboro exit, that I asked Pachanga, “So where is Truth?”
“Midrand,” he replies.
“Fuck that, it’s Sunday today, the day of rest.”

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  1. un_derscore says:

    Tamara looks great in that photo I would also do her 😛

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  2. IamaHorror says:

    The intro to this article is really cool

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  3. DR PACHANGA says:

    As ur attorney i would advice u to stay away frm Tamara Dey.. She has several offenses that would lead to greater issues one cannot be bailed out.

    I would to thank that freak yard how wrote this article even tho he made me lose the girl of my dreams,but hey!


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  4. Mello Moropa says:

    sorry about your girl man. I swear I’ll flog myself for the whole of december. FORGIVE ME DR PACHANGA. Andy, thanks for looking out. Wait till I come back from rehab. . . I mean holiday: dopeness of galactic proportions is guaranteed

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  5. sleuth says:

    mello moropa = montle morosi

    either way, it’s a winner.

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  6. DR PACHANGA says:

    U cant compare neither because they are elements of suprize they come out with a bang single handly.

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  7. Themba says:

    Nice 1 guyz, altho de iz room 4 improvement it pretty dope i wud say!

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  8. Isak du Plessis says:

    Dr. Pachanga is right… yes God do love you and want you guys to get to know more of Him. Here’s what Jesus said about God and His love for you:John 3:16-19 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him. Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.”

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  9. Nathan Zeno says:

    Mention a god’s love and Google is guaranteed to bring the freaks

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  10. Me says:

    Good Lord Almighty! Can we please have more pics of Tamara Day!

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