Storming the Bandwagonby Oom Onderbaadjie / 08.02.2010
It had to happen. On the back of Fokofpolisiekar’s assault on South African pop culture and the subsequent explosion of the Belville rock scene and pop Afrikaans music in general, it was only a matter of time before someone came up with an aKing parody band. Mahala sent our most interesting correspondent, Oom Onderbaadjie, to get the scoop.
Dzy my laanies. Hoe gannit met julle? My naam is Oom Onderbaadjie. Onthou dit. Oom Onderbaadjie. You may remember me from my hey-deys, wanneer ek wassie ‘Mein Ster’ vannie famous television show, Noot vir Noot. Ja, jy hoor dit Johann? Die MEIN STER! Anyway, so things didn’t quite work out for me that side. I was doing all the work, en IEMAND VAN STEMMET was taking all the glory. Ek wassie true glitz-en-glemma, hoor? But you know showbiz in this country. So black and white. No room for us “people of colour”. All work, no reward. But no more. There’s not enough room in the closet for both of us, Johann. Ek sal dit op my eie maak! Ek sal ‘n groot ster wees, sien?
Maar anyway. Moenie ou koeie uit die sloot grawe nie. Terug by my. Nou, ek het my own show: Die Musical Chair met Oom Onderbaaidjie. Using my famous showbiz connections, I will interview all the best and most famous showbiz people in South Africa. But it wont be on the TV. TV is vannie ouderdoos. My show sal online wees, in the style of “A Blog”. Weet jy wat’s a blog? Dis poes high-tech. Dis die toekoms. Jy hoor dit, Johann? Die toekoms!
This week I have a very exclusive interview with one of SA’s top acts. My agent and I met them back stage at a big festival daar by Kuilsrivier and let me tell you they are top class.
Dzy, Cunter! Mind taking a few minutes to answer a few questions?
Seker. In Afrikaans of Engels? Ons verkies om Engels te praat vir publikasie. Meer geld, jy weet? Maar frame ons in ‘n Afrikaner lig.
Natuurlik. As a wise man once said…”as jy nie van Bellville af kom nie, lieg.” But now tell us about your band name. My agent told me it sounds a lot like another favourite South African Radio Band. Is this a coincidence?
Purely. And we want to take this opportunity to distance ourselves from them. We want to make it on our own. We’re not just a bandwagon band just because we come from Bellville and take every opportunity to make well-off Welgemoed sound like a train station. Bellville is a big place.
Okay. So even though you guys are famous, maybe there are some people out there like Johann who are out of touch. Can you tell these people who you guys are?
Lamo Liebenberg is our vocalist. But I’m the front man, obviously (remember to put this in, hey?) He just sings my words. If I could play two guitar parts and sing I would; but we’re going for that whole ‘anonymous ensemble’ radio feel, so no.
Dickhead Venter is our drummer. He’s the flagship member for the “emo” crowd. It’s all carefully calculated. You kill a crow, Bostik it to your head and you’ve got 100 000 Bullet for my Valentine fans spending on you.
Cunter Kennedy, me, is the legend of the band (don’t change this part). He writes everything. In third person. And he recently survived a triple bypass surgery. Fokken ‘ard!
Copyright van Halen is our ship in the night. Can you remember the name of the guy who played bass for AC/DC or Led Zeppelin?
Ok, ok, ek sien wat jy doen! Ha ha! But now. Tell me about your business plan. Maybe Johann can get some tips.
aKAK is a four piece band. Everyone gets a 25% cut after the record company takes their cut. We got the idea while playing together as our parent band: Fokofpoesjyskak. A five piece band gets 20%. You do the math. Music is a business. We pitched the idea to local media giants and they loved it. Those guys really are smart.
Jussie. Amazing. But if you all get a cut, what about other expenses? Like paying your manager?
That’s the thing. aKAK doesn’t pay any manager. It’s a clean 25% cut. You just keep recycling members. It’s like maths. Franna van Cock + Pierre Gleuf + Vleiskuif Myburgh = VanFokKingTasteless.
Jussie. Sounds like I may need an economics degree to understand this concept fully. Let’s talk about something glamorous. Fame, I think, is a bit of mystery. Like for me, on Noot vir Noot, even though I wasn’t speaking, I just always managed to shine. It’s because of what I call my Inner Glow. Of die sequins. But mainly my inner glow. What is your inner glow? What are your “sequins”?
Well that’s like asking why Jesus is so popular.
Brainwashing and propaganda over the centuries?
No. You see, on that hill, he was probably the only one whose mom was impregnated by God. I mean, who were those other two guys?
You know. It all makes sense now. Now moving on to more serious matters. People often talk about how this radio music is a “disease” or a “silent killer” in the SA music industry. Would you say this is true?
No. There is something worse. Worse even than groupie STD’s. Apparently it started at music festivals, and at gigs in small bars. No extensive research as yet, but health professionals are calling it VanCokeBloat.
Dzy fok! Sounds serious!
It’s what’s known as an ATD, or Aurally Transmitted Disease. It’s marked by the onset of full-body swelling, immediately post-audio consumption. It’s progresses to a point where the patient is rendered completely unrecognizable, even to family. It also rumoured to affect the vocal chords, causing them to morph into that similar of a protective female polar bear. There is only one known cure…
Uh….Sleeping with a virgin?
In Cape Town? Impossible. No. The cure is… Photoshop.
Photoshop. Die toekoms is nou. Die toekoms is nou. Anything to tell the fans out there?
I’d just like to tell the youth to never let anyone get you down. We grew up in repressive families and that could’ve easily stifled us, but it didn’t. We took the best out of it and learned to roll with the punches. Lamo’s dad was a Dominee, and even though he hated growing up in that environment, he took the best out of it and is now, in a weird way, following in his dad’s footsteps by making money by simply telling people the truth, and singing the praises of God (my lyrics). So ja, anyone can make it out there. If you’re a Bellville band and you believe in your music, your friends will get you there
Dis waar, julle. Dis waar. Don’t forget to join their fan page here. And tune in soon for my next exclusive interview with global internet phenomenon, Die Vrag. And remember to let your sequins shine.