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Sold my Soul to Skeletor

Sold My Soul To Skeletor

by Nathan Casey / 01.02.2011

When I was a kid, everything was Satanic. Or, as my crazy aunt from Beaufort West used to say, Satanistic. The Smurfs were servants of Beelzebub, Thundercats were Mephistopheles’ minions, and Aussie band AC-DC was an acronym for Anti-Christ Devil Child.
I think even soft-core fatty, Meatloaf, was sucking on the Devil’s pecker.
Greg and I heard this rumour in school that some kid’s He-Man action figure caught fire and it started screaming! Of course, the first thing we did when we got home was set our own He-Man alight. True to his reputation as a macho bad-ass, the Prince of Eternia stoically emitted not a whimper. We tossed him in the pool to cool down and a few days later, when the Kreepy Krauly stopped working, Dad pulled his melted torso out the pipe.

A friend of mine’s Testament-thumping mum wouldn’t let her play with My Little Pony because the star on one’s bum resembled a pentagram. The repercussion of such diabolical tomfoolery is that now we have vampires that sparkle – the direct result of Gary Oldman getting jiggy with Pinkie Pie.

You might be inclined to think that, during apartheid, suburban South Africa was particularly susceptible to this kind of sweeping evangelic bullshit. Good christian values beset on all sides; flanked by the swart and rooi gevaar with the Hollwyood satanists, and all their merchandise, charging up the rear! Apart from the sweeping hysterical tenor of those times, well, not much has changed.

True to true-believer form, Harry Potter is getting the same treatment these days. Forget the boy wizard’s obvious status as an apostle of Apollyon – he’s also a Nazi! Not only is the lightning bolt on his forehead a Hitler Youth symbol, featuring prominently on the uniforms of SS soldiers, but The Philosopher’s Stone is required reading for skinheads at all Neo-Nazi book clubs.
According to the Cutting Edge Ministries, “God will hold millions of parents accountable for buying these books…”

What I don’t understand is that if these people think kids are dumb enough to believe this bullshit, then how are they smart enough to decipher what Lucifer is trying to tell them? Now that’s a paradox for the paragons.

The Truth, as usual, is more banal than the God-botherers believe. Mattel and J.K Rowling don’t want your children’s souls, they just want their pocket money. But then again Hannah Arendt, the German-Jewish political theorist and philosopher, once said “evil is banal”… so you work it out.

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RESPONSES (23)
  1. markemark says:

    For my folks it was the Simpsons.

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  2. Needed a laugh says:

    “Of course, the first thing we did when we got home was set our own He-Man alight””
    Hilarious, man.

    Don’t forget Knights in Satan’s Service. The West Rand heaved with religious indignation. Of course, you had to play the LPs backwards to be proper bedeviled.

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  3. Andy says:

    I remember playing Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust” backwards and hearing nothing – until i saw that christian documentary where it shows you how you’ve got to play it back at a certain speed and then it’s only one tiny little snippet that actually sounds like “learn to smoke marijuana” which I did a few years later… I wonder if the two things are related… hang on!

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  4. Old Man Muffaroo says:

    Can you imagine the technical genius required to make a recording work backwards too?

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  5. Anonymous says:

    Brilliant article.

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  6. molly says:

    I kid you not the Hermanus ultra-christian school tried to burn Ninja Turtles ‘cos they were so ‘Satanistic’. In barrels. In front of the whole school. Can you imagine the fumes? And the hysteria?
    Ah, good times ….

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  7. creepy steve says:

    did’nt they realise that it was beebop and rocksteady who were the bad guys?

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  8. Andy says:

    I remember the Gummy Bears being suspect.

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  9. Anonymous says:

    As a rule, chicks with pentagrams emblazoned on their hineys can gooi some wicked trix. God bless ’em. True evil – base, unsmilingly singleminded Evil – is that tumourous fleck cozily couched in our gene strands. The one that had us dream up binary code. The one we inherited from ol’ Socrates – the one which got blurred in metastatizm. And he meant so well.. In other news, Justin Bieber just grew his first pube, and she ain’t exactly sweet and curly.

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  10. Mick says:

    As a rule, chicks with pentagrams emblazoned on their hineys can gooi some wicked trix. God bless ’em. True evil – base, unsmilingly singleminded Evil – is that tumourous fleck cozily couched in our gene strands. The one that had us dream up binary code. The one we inherited from ol’ Socrates – the one which got blurred in metastatizm. And he meant so well.. In other news, Justin Bieber just grew his first pube, and she ain’t exactly sweet and curly.

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  11. Hyphen says:

    I also heard the screaming He-Man story , think it might have been in the You magazine . I had my Jesus Camp cousin over to play . He proceeded to call my duvet covet Satanic and that the only master of the universe was God .

    We’ve never got along , although I secretly think he was jealous because I had Castle Greyskull .

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  12. hypocrites says:

    you guys are messing with spiritual powers you have no idea about, when all is said and done we’ll see who has the last laugh

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  13. Lizzy says:

    he he! @ ‘hipocrites’, arent you sweet, shame… I remember most vividly the hysteria around ‘satanists’ who would lurk ouside schools waiting to distribute disney stamps and stickers soaked in LSD. I waited, but they never came…

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  14. snapper says:

    @Lizzy
    maybe if we lived in PE – wasn’t that the hotbead of satanic teens?

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  15. Nathan Casey says:

    I think Fish Hoek was a satanic hotbed – I know they had the greatest per capita distribution of dagga-kops.

    Also, Rhodes Memorial was where they sacrificed virgins, apparently.

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  16. Jess says:

    @ lizzy

    haha i remember that, now why would they just be giving away good acid!

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  17. Thou shalt be doomed says:

    The big Rodney Seale book was read over and over again to gain some insight by parents and tips by teenagers. Hahahaha the good old days. What is the trend nowadays?

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  18. Cala says:

    haha, brings back so many memories… Rodney Seal and his wacky stories made me one of the biggest AC-DC and Metallica fans imaginable…
    Naval Hill in Bloem had Satanic Rituals where cats were killed and holes made in Black Label tins… Those vandalising ailurophobics! Shame on them.
    Then we moved to Pretoria, where I was sceptically received due to my ability to read english in standard 3 (grade 5 for you young ones)… Here we had a geography/maths/bible study teacher (also vice principal of discipline) whose sole mission in life was to eradicate all evidence of the New Age. I still have no idea what the big deal was, but EVERYTHING was new age… WE were not allowed to watch Liewe Heksie, as there is no such thing as a good witch. We were not allowed to watch Temple of Doom… for obvious reasons! The very popular pencil cases in the shape of coffins were burnt, along with it’s owner, at the stake!
    We were smoking and drinking and beating the shit out of each other, but that was “what kids do”.
    Yesterday’s “devil music” has become classic rock… Satan is not as scary as the Taliban. And as the author of this article stated, Vampire’s glitter and marry humans… Water spraying Uzi replicas have been replaced with multi colored phallic symbols that would look ridiculous in a 80’s sci-fi movie…
    But hey, we might have been scared and stupid back in the day, but man we were hardcore!

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  19. Great Wazoo says:

    What about the rumour concerning the game of golf – G.O.L.F. stands for Great Order of Lucifer’s Friends,. the18 holes is three sets of six = 666 !?. Whoaa, the ball apparently has 666 dimples…

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  20. R says:

    Nice article. I remember that we got my cousins He-Man figures for Christmas and then their mom forced them to return it because they were “satanistiese” idols. My brother also warned me that the three-circle symbol on Splinter’s cloak was three conjoined 6’s . Years later I was also told at a camp that Pokemon are demons , and that kids that watch the show are encouraged to summon them by saying “I choose you” .

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  21. Nathan Casey says:

    Pikachu is a funny fucking name for a demon… but then again Beelzebub sounds cute and cuddly too.

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  22. \m/ says:

    awesome article. i randomly search for things like these on a daily basis becos i am an atheist and a very outspoken one i must add. i grew up in the 80’s. i loved he-man and all kinds of programs like that. shit i only got rid of my he-man duvet when i was 16! (girls didnt dig it too much haha). i have nothing really funny to add in this post becos all you guys cracked me up already (even that one christian), so i am going out now to slaughter some cats and then listen to some angus buchan in reverse…

    HAIL SKELETOR!

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  23. CGirl says:

    I read this article. And I liked it, people overreact about satanism. But it does exist and thats something u all forgot. U all have the wrong mindset. Yea they do go overboard and things were pretty crazy but that gives none of u right to judge us christians. Im a huge christian and I think ur all a bunch of assholes who need to get out more instead of crashing my religion u fucking morons. I like that christian comment and il be standing with them in heaven laughing at you all 🙂 and guess what, im 13 and can outwit all u idiots so shut you mouths, you nedd jesus not a blog xx

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