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Second Hand Stealing is not a Crime

Second Hand Stealing is not a Crime

by Ponsonby Wolfheart the third, images by JR Onyangunga / 12.01.2010

– An examination of contemporary slang –
It was when my learned colleague, the mathematician, leant over to me and said, “Ching-ching motherfucker,” as he picked some abandoned alcoholic beverage off of the table, that I realized I had found myself in a rich anthropological gathering ground. There I was at some young persons party, below a “jock jol” where young men and woman were chanting “make out, make out” as a large quadroon attempted to “mouth rape”* a gentleman with a very fetching beard. I felt, let me just say, slightly disorientated, nothing in my training among the hipsters (or “dirty fucking art school fucks”) native to Cape Town had prepared me for this savage and utterly irrelevant bunch of “art fags”.

The occasion was mooted in the popular press as one to save the poor and helpless abandoned domestic animals that had fallen prey to the callous nature of man and was organized by the suffragettes at Artists Against Animal Abuse. So it was for good reason that I ventured forth to a portion of D’Urban that was ,shall we say (to coin a phrase), “on the wrong side of the tracks”. The first impression I received of the occasion was that there were many kind and generous donations of food and animal restraints; these young folk are surely a caring lot. I entered “The Pub”, it took me a while to adjust my eyes to the dimness, the smoke, it reminded me of being a young lad in Whitechapel, except for, or maybe because of, the tall gentleman of ginger persuasion who was sporting some kind of cartoonish cat mask and screaming “I am an Animal. Abuse me.”

A musical group was about to venture forth onto the stage, so I decided to steel myself with a refreshment, I had been warned that these young people had an entirely different idea of the constructs of music to mine own (Which I must say ventures more toward the ditties of The Ink Spots, lest anyone accuse me of musical intolerance)

It was at this point that I witnessed the mathematician indulge in “ground sweeping” and as I realized I should record this social milieu for posterity, I spotted a manic gentleman carrying a camera that looked far too complex for a simple native such as him but seeing as I am one who always believes that we must at least let them try (for how else are they to evolve?) I asked him if he would indeed record the spectacle for me. He replied with “Let’s get involved!” which I took to mean that he had agreed.

I stepped into a small area that seemed more like a cage than the discussed outside area. Suddenly a spotlight came on, it reminded me of the time I had attempted to escape from the Krauts during The Great War, I froze. A mop haired lad informed me graciously that it was merely, “the rave fags upstairs idea of security”. This gentle lad was conversing with a young lady who inquired of him if he would perhaps buy her a beverage, preferably ale. As he left, she told me, confidentially, that she had being “Trying to map him all night’ and that she was “tired of the games”. I sought the mathematician to help me decode this damsel’s plight. He enlightened me no further, all I could get from him was that the gentle lad was “trawling’ and the female in question was trying become his “lady”.

A ululating broke out, like the call of a savage from the hinterland. A young woman was on stage howling in as if in pain or fear, three young gentlemen were on stage with her, one, a bald and grinning native, was obviously suffering from some kind of inherent inbreeding as his eyes lolled and his tongue flapped around. It was too disturbing for my temperament to endure so I retreated to the outside.

There I encountered a group of people who were going to the “car bar” and offered to escort me to my transport, which was waiting for me in “the lot”. It was a most disturbing site to see that these future potential bastions of society were forced by economic circumstance to keep a large stock of refreshment in their automobiles storage area.

As I got into mine own automobile, the savage with the camera shrieked his war cry at me, “Hi Julle”, I raced out of there. His fearsome teeth still haunt my dreams.

* Later I learnt that “Mouth Rape” is always consensual, so this description is not entirely fair.

For more info on Artist Against Animal Abuse mail them here.

The disdain of the background ghost is frightening.

The disdain of the background ghost is frightening.

In Durban this does not mean Victory.

In Durban this does not mean Victory.

Those are some weirdly symmetrical birth marks

Those are some weirdly symmetrical birth marks

We are foursome, um fivesome.

We are foursome, um fivesome.

Air punches in front, hip hop hands in the middle. What kind of music do these kids listen to?

Air punches in front, hip hop hands in the middle. What kind of music do these kids listen to?

You think he's napping but he's really judging the photographers shoes

You think he's napping but he's really judging the photographers shoes

Subtle use of mask to steal two beers.

Subtle use of mask to steal two beers.

Do lesbians do fag hands? Or is this some next level cute hippie tae kwon do shit?

Do lesbians do fag hands? Or is this some next level cute hippie tae kwon do shit?

And now you want me to caption this band as well, well, I won't do it.

And now you want me to caption this band as well, well, I won't do it.

I've always wanted to do a caption with this backdrop about drummer being sucked into a vortex or something but it just doesn't look the same without a strobe light and a handful of acid

I've always wanted to do a caption with this backdrop about drummer being sucked into a vortex or something but it just doesn't look the same without a strobe light and a handful of acid

Apart from everything else that's wrong with this picture, there is a Congelese gentleman trying to pry apart a semi bald dude legs.

Apart from everything else that's wrong with this picture, there is a Congelese gentleman trying to pry apart a semi bald dude legs.

What are they looking at, why doesn't she notice?

What are they looking at, why doesn't she notice?

There are three distinct hand gestures here. One of them means cat bum.

There are three distinct hand gestures here. One of them means cat bum.

When pretty girls pull scary faces to try be all like, we don't care how we look, it makes me think the opposite, however the ugly blonde on the right probably doesn't have those issues.

When pretty girls pull scary faces to try be all like, we don't care how we look, it makes me think the opposite, however the ugly blonde on the right probably doesn't have those issues.

No, JR as much as you would like to believe it, it just ain't going to happen.

No, JR as much as you would like to believe it, it just ain't going to happen.

There is a certain state of euphoric exhaustion you just don't wanna get into when there is nowhere else for people to rest their weary arms

There is a certain state of euphoric exhaustion you just don't wanna get into when there is nowhere else for people to rest their weary arms

You thought I was just making that two beer shit up?

You thought I was just making that two beer shit up?

17   3
RESPONSES (32)
  1. T. says:

    LETS GET LOOSE DOUCHE

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  2. T. says:

    PS:
    Mouth rape is NOT consensual at all btw
    Neither are the eye drops.

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  3. sog says:

    for all the inbreeding they all have such nice cheekbones. Or maybe it’ll hit in the next generation.

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  4. runt says:

    shame T maybe it wasnt consensual for you..

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  5. watson says:

    I appreciate the fact that roger has resorted to a pseudonym to shut feltham the fuck up.

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  6. Ponsionby Wolfheart says:

    Watson! I thought you were dead. How I remember the tenderness you showed me when you rescued me from the opium den in Whitechapel and raised me as one of your own.

    And don’t mention F****** you’ll only encourage him.

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  7. Miggs says:

    Aaahhh Durbanites are fun !

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  8. Doctor L. says:

    The first line of the sixth paragraph is offensive, for me, personally.

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  9. montle the aids victim says:

    beautiful shit… i like the save in the hinterland shit…great…

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  10. tequiladiva says:

    savage …..?!

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  11. OralRapist says:

    you’re all so young and beautiful, your mouths, your mouths, it matters not whether you consent or no, i know, i wrote The book on Mouth Rape. I daylight as a Dentist. YOUR Dentist

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  12. Vigilant says:

    FREEDOM REIGNS!!!!

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  13. Optional says:

    Those photos of Black Label are offensive, for me, personally.

    You kids have such a long way to go.

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  14. montle the haemroid says:

    jesus…durban has alot of kak dirty kak poor whites hey!

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  15. DR PACHANGA says:

    LETS GET INVOLVED!

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  16. montle the homeless homo says:

    pachanga..im homeless yo…shits rough out here..can come stay at your house in durban? i’m serious..i wanna work at the kiosk with you too…and can you hook me up with your cousins who sell coke? i need a job fam. i gotta eat yo.

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  17. new leaf says:

    Drbin drbin drbin!!!

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  18. Pop Will Top Himself says:

    Ah, what style, what poise, what grace. Truly, the beloved country has reason to be proud of it’s well-adjusted progeny.

    Yes folks, they breed them to drink hard, play dirty and tear the joint to fucking pieces.

    Welcome to the future!

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  19. Moose says:

    I don’t get the point of these articles (and Mahala has done a few lately). They don’t tell me anything about the scene or the culture and the style isn’t funny, even if it’s trying to be post-colonial ironic, it just comes off as tired, miserable 90’s ironic.

    music nothing. culture nothing. reality nothing.

    I don’t read Mahala for bullshit like this.

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  20. Mello Moropa says:

    @ Moose. It’s not complicated: They went to a party, wrote about what happened and took some pictures. What’s “post-colonial ironic” or “90s ironic?” Do you work in advertising? “The scene and the culture”. Historians make that crap up after the fact. If you want to know about the scene or culture, go experience it.

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  21. Anonymous says:

    where were you…this party looks awesome!!

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  22. tara says:

    the pub dear sir the pub, known further afield as the Winston.

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  23. DTA Spokesperson says:

    First and formost as a spokesperson and an authority within the DTA (Durban Tourism Authority). I am appauled at the misrepresntation of this article. This is strictly confidential information for people who have been allocated key positions “on tour” Roger only fat chicks not fat guys have been given this privelage, lose some wait man then you can maybe come with, there has been an inclusion of two gingers within this article. The others are merly “ash blondes” showing that you are making some grounds in the fields of GEE (Ginger Economic Empowerment). Yet two isn’t nearly enough, expect a visit from the artfag mafia soon as well as the Ginger Militia, you have been warned….

    Here at the DTA we don’t take these sorts of offences lightly. It is within our mandate to be inherently opposed to discrminating against Gingers on any level.

    And girls if you aren’t as fat as Loopy you just can’t come with. So we are expecting all of you (excluding Roger) to pay more visits to Johhnies, drink more milk stout and harden the fuck up!!!

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  24. Anonymous says:

    this is why i hate journalists, they have nothing better to do that sit around an speculate about what others are doing misrepresent in half truths on something they know very little about.
    if i were rodger i’d watch my back, the natives are restless

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  25. will the real durban please stand up says:

    creepy, please stop posing as a DTA spokesperson, get beyond believing that using the word ginger is derogatory.

    any durbanite that parties wonderfully can see that this is one of the most beautifully accurate tales of Ethekwini at this time we live in – including Loopy.
    Also, if one native is restless, it doesnt mean the rest are.

    now relax. see you at burn tonite.

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  26. over it says:

    why does every mahala article end in an argument?

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  27. acmad says:

    coz dear every1 has their own opnion and do excuse me for saying this but dah! anyway I dont think anyone shud find offnce in this article unless there`s something they were hiding and now its in the open. Whats in the article is the writer`s perspective of things not the truth as every individual sees it. I mean I think it was very well written….thats just what I think

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  28. kathpoodle says:

    beautiful! this article captures all that i love about durban, i hope these kids never grow up . . .

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  29. over it still says:

    you serious? everyone has an opinion? no way.

    what I meant (duh) was, why does everyone actually attack the writers of mahala articles.
    (and then in turn, those who comment on the articles)
    Not just a comment on this or that, but a full on attack, and in a particularly nasty way.
    Is aggression a prerequisite to cool?

    If you dont like the articles, move on.

    anyway, youre probably have a response… point proven (with this response)

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  30. Locco says:

    Maybe should try a little exhaustion tubby, you couldn’t take the pace when the Durban musos broke it down to you.good and proper.
    The writers’ epic FAIL in article is his own lack of staying power!.

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  31. Locco says:

    You do crack me up tho with your redneck crassness, you hide your Capetown silver spoon, stiff upper lip, intolerant jock vibe well, face it you do not know how to make an accurate assessment of ghetto/street/punk rock culture if you tried…hope you got back to you penthouse couch safely.

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  32. Locco says:

    AND WHO THE FUCK FINDS A ZAMALEK OFFENSIVE?

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