About Advertise
Culture

Porn Again

by Montle Giovanni Moorosi / 25.03.2010

Christians, Catholics, conservatives and women’s rights groups have won again. Their constant whining has resulted in DSTV not launching a 24 hour porn channel, and for what good reason? Apparently they’re all too holy for a good old fashioned wank.

Ever since my parents got DSTV, towards the end of the nineties, about the same time I first moved to the Northern Suburbs of Johannesburg, I have always wondered why there wasn’t an exclusive channel dedicated to porn. When I went to America in 1998 I got a glimpse of what they call cable television, something like MNET on steroids. Whilst my parents and my sister were asleep awaiting another day of Puerto Ricans and Disneyland I stayed up masturbating to an endless flurry of adult movies and even adult orientated talk shows where the host would randomly get fellated by a girl who popped out of nowhere in front of his guests. After one week at the Days Inn Motel in Orlando Florida I had a severe case of carpel tunnel syndrome and an obsession with gaping holes.

Meanwhile back at the ranch in South Africa all my peers were still watching Emmanuel after 20 years, not knowing the giddy heights of “auteurism” the porn industry had elevated itself to. Never in my life had I even thought of a “DVDA” which means double vagina, double anal and in laymen terms that means four healthy penises inside one chick at the same time.

So the Christians say that a porn channel would not be a good influence on our children, but these kids already have access to the crime channel so that when the day arrives when they want to murder their spouse for insurance money they’ll know the drill and have a fairly decent chance of getting away with it. But haven’t the pastors and the cultural censors ever heard of the parental lock feature on DSTV decoders?

Two days I go I switched on the television and the channel had been left on TBN, which is a Christian channel which is only viewed by my mother and people like David Koresh. And what was playing was an advert calling on “Good Christians” to fight for the sanctity of marriage, which in other terms means, “don’t let the fags get married”. So you can actively rubbish the rights of gays and lesbians on TV, but you can’t watch two consenting adults getting down and bumping their holy bits.

And you know what? Many women love to watch porn. We have no idea how many because most people consider women to be mythological creatures who don’t shit or fart or play Daytona Racing on PS2 and rub the vibrating analog joystick on their vaginas when they crash. In the past recent months I have conducted a little study whereby I sit outside an adult store and try figure out the ratio of men to women who enter the store. And women have taken the cup for their loyal, if covert, patronage. Try this experiment, play a porn DVD to a group of girls with a few guys in their presence, this will make them shriek immediately, run out of the room and proceed to call you a pig on Facebook and Twitter, but do make sure to watch out for that one girl pretending to be disgusted but can’t remove her eyes from the screen. Step 2, play an adult DVD to your special friend during a “private moment” I guarantee you that she will try her best to emulate every move she see’s Traci Lords doing in Sodomania 6.

So please, this is to all the lobbyists and pseudo social groups who claim that hiding porn from us is in society’s best interests, fuck you! I pay Multichoice top dollar and for that I expect a wide range of top dollar programs and what they currently have to offer late at night on the Action channel and E-TV is not worth the rand that greases my palm and lubricates my wank.

63   26
RESPONSES (62)