Pop Bottles, Pop In Grown Hairsby Montle Moorosi & JR Oynagunga / 07.10.2009
Our Jozi correspondent, Montle Moorosi takes on Pop Bottles. Beware. The usual sex, nudity, violence and foul, offensive language ensues…
This is one of those articles that fuels the eternal hating desire in all Capetonians who have never been to Johannesburg and just assume that Johannesburg is full of a lot of black cunts whose fathers’ run the country, or drive taxis. Well guess what you bitches, it is indeed that way and these brothers are also sipping those miniature bottles of Moet with a straw.
Pop Bottles is one of Johannesburg’s most popular club events catering for the hip hop and r&b fans with a penchant for Nike sneakers, Kanye West and just down right making niggers like me feel as white as possible by any means necessary. Jesus Christ, I felt like a cross between Old Dirty Bastard and King Leopold stuck at a Nickelback cover band album release. A week before attending this, I saw the Pop Bottles DVD while I was smoking a flurry of bongs and there was some ex-Miss South Africa commenting on, “the jol” with a macabre slur, then about two days later I saw her on a Facebook group called, “Joburg’s most notorious hoes”. I used to fucking love Tansey Coetzee, now I have to masturbate to her pictures with a condom on.
View from the top. Cover charge at pop Bottles is R100, and R200 for VIP for both guys and girls, I somehow managed to “appropriate” some VIP tickets. Which entitled us to couch we had to bicker for with some 40 year old black woman with blonde hair and men’s swimming shorts beneath a pair of cut off jeans, and of course the burning sensation that i wont be able to afford a drink within the next two years unless I start selling weed again. Women actually pay R200 cover, whatever happened to the days when the vagina had the strength of a tyrannosaurus Rex and journalists had some kind of pulling power?
I think its so fucked up how it has become okay for regular johns like these who are now allowed to wear matching t-shirts when they aren’t even survivors of sexual abuse by a member of the Ruff Ryders or in a travelling church group from Limpopo. “Born free”, “PS Squared”. I think these are what they call collectives…
I don understand why xenophobia exists when all African women have one thing in common which brings them together, that being their love for horse hair and acrylic hair fashioned to the tune ink stained spaghetti. I’d fuck the both of them, yes, even the blue spaghetti.
That night, I had a really painfull ingrown hair on pubes which I constantly had to keep prodding and popping to keep the pus levels in check. When I got drunk later I forgot to excuse myself to the batroom to perform this surgery, I just started busting nuts out of my new baby pus penis on the dance floor. I swear to God it isn’t an STD, I swear!
Pop Bottles is also a hub for celebrities such as DJ MilkShake, David Kau and Kwela Tebza’s immaculately conceived children.
Whoa! What you know about big balling if you dont have a basket ball team and naked colured guys in bowties playing in a rubber foam bath? This also probably means that sarcasm is not your second language.
Whoa! What you know about balling if you arent wearing batty rider shorts, smoking Cuban cock shaped stogies and rolling with a bald female midget?
This is definitely the toughest crew in town, if not the most agile. That gang sign they’re throwing is a reference to their gang, they’re known as the 0-3 POSSE. Allegedly, (according to Montle – ed) 0-3 representig the diameter that their anuses have been stretched working as Skwatta Kamp’s rent boys.
No joke, I remember this girl asking to light her cigar with my cigarette. I thought that wasn’t really smart because it took her about 15mins while she talked about how amazing the Jay-Z and Linkin Park collaboration is.
A cocaine addict with no style pawns his glasses for drugs, while a cool cocaine addict only pawns the lenses and keeps the frame.
To hell with this couple, this picture is not even even about you okay! It’s about the guy with a dog tag with something in Chinese written on it, a fake Dolce and Gabbana t-shirt and a flannel shirt while doing sekhele khekhe! He’s like a Jamaican born and bred in Goodwood Cape Town.
I dont want to find out what happened to this girl after this, Having your handbag snatched by a Liberian child soldier with the aid of a one eyed former water boy for the Celtics with a glass full of embalming fluid is enough.
This is what happens when Mozambican stroke victims are adopted by poets like Mzwaki Mbuli and sent to schools like Wynberg or Parktown Boys.
These guys are Hi-Fi Corporations must valued customers, they even get to take the regional managers’ daughters to the rap show.
Andy Davis doing one of his favourite pastimes, photography.
All Images © and courtesy JR Oynagunga