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Pop Bottles Pop In Grown Hairs

Pop Bottles, Pop In Grown Hairs

by Montle Moorosi & JR Oynagunga / 07.10.2009

Our Jozi correspondent, Montle Moorosi takes on Pop Bottles. Beware. The usual sex, nudity, violence and foul, offensive language ensues…

This is one of those articles that fuels the eternal hating desire in all Capetonians who have never been to Johannesburg and just assume that Johannesburg is full of a lot of black cunts whose fathers’ run the country, or drive taxis. Well guess what you bitches, it is indeed that way and these brothers are also sipping those miniature bottles of Moet with a straw.

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Pop Bottles is one of Johannesburg’s most popular club events catering for the hip hop and r&b fans with a penchant for Nike sneakers, Kanye West and just down right making niggers like me feel as white as possible by any means necessary. Jesus Christ, I felt like a cross between Old Dirty Bastard and King Leopold stuck at a Nickelback cover band album release. A week before attending this, I saw the Pop Bottles DVD while I was smoking a flurry of bongs and there was some ex-Miss South Africa commenting on, “the jol” with a macabre slur, then about two days later I saw her on a Facebook group called, “Joburg’s most notorious hoes”. I used to fucking love Tansey Coetzee, now I have to masturbate to her pictures with a condom on.

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View from the top. Cover charge at pop Bottles is R100, and R200 for VIP for both guys and girls, I somehow managed to “appropriate” some VIP tickets. Which entitled us to couch we had to bicker for with some 40 year old black woman with blonde hair and men’s swimming shorts beneath a pair of cut off jeans, and of course the burning sensation that i wont be able to afford a drink within the next two years unless I start selling weed again. Women actually pay R200 cover, whatever happened to the days when the vagina had the strength of a tyrannosaurus Rex and journalists had some kind of pulling power?

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I think its so fucked up how it has become okay for regular johns like these who are now allowed to wear matching t-shirts when they aren’t even survivors of sexual abuse by a member of the Ruff Ryders or in a travelling church group from Limpopo. “Born free”, “PS Squared”. I think these are what they call collectives…

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I don understand why xenophobia exists when all African women have one thing in common which brings them together, that being their love for horse hair and acrylic hair fashioned to the tune ink stained spaghetti. I’d fuck the both of them, yes, even the blue spaghetti.

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That night, I had a really painfull ingrown hair on pubes which I constantly had to keep prodding and popping to keep the pus levels in check. When I got drunk later I forgot to excuse myself to the batroom to perform this surgery, I just started busting nuts out of my new baby pus penis on the dance floor. I swear to God it isn’t an STD, I swear!

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Pop Bottles is also a hub for celebrities such as DJ MilkShake, David Kau and Kwela Tebza’s immaculately conceived children.

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Whoa! What you know about big balling if you dont have a basket ball team and naked colured guys in bowties playing in a rubber foam bath? This also probably means that sarcasm is not your second language.

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Whoa! What you know about balling if you arent wearing batty rider shorts, smoking Cuban cock shaped stogies and rolling with a bald female midget?

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This is definitely the toughest crew in town, if not the most agile. That gang sign they’re throwing is a reference to their gang, they’re known as the 0-3 POSSE. Allegedly, (according to Montle – ed) 0-3 representig the diameter that their anuses have been stretched working as Skwatta Kamp’s rent boys.

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No joke, I remember this girl asking to light her cigar with my cigarette. I thought that wasn’t really smart because it took her about 15mins while she talked about how amazing the Jay-Z and Linkin Park collaboration is.

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A cocaine addict with no style pawns his glasses for drugs, while a cool cocaine addict only pawns the lenses and keeps the frame.

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To hell with this couple, this picture is not even even about you okay! It’s about the guy with a dog tag with something in Chinese written on it, a fake Dolce and Gabbana t-shirt and a flannel shirt while doing sekhele khekhe! He’s like a Jamaican born and bred in Goodwood Cape Town.

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I dont want to find out what happened to this girl after this, Having your handbag snatched by a Liberian child soldier with the aid of a one eyed former water boy for the Celtics with a glass full of embalming fluid is enough.

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This is what happens when Mozambican stroke victims are adopted by poets like Mzwaki Mbuli and sent to schools like Wynberg or Parktown Boys.

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These guys are Hi-Fi Corporations must valued customers, they even get to take the regional managers’ daughters to the rap show.

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Andy Davis doing one of his favourite pastimes, photography.

Pop Bottles Pop In Grown Hairs

All Images © and courtesy JR Oynagunga

19   10
RESPONSES (59)
  1. bee diamondhead says:

    do you cunts need a zulu spellcheck or what?

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  2. montle says:

    that is not my work…theres a serious ghost in the editing machine…

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  3. Doctor L. says:

    Andy Davis is black!?

    I had it all wrong!

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  4. Phalafala says:

    Montle is out of control!

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  5. Lisa says:

    “This also probably means that sarcasm is not your second language.” completely my favourite sentence.

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  6. ... in the Bonnet says:

    Montle is the new Black.
    God help us…oh wait…what is his policy on affirmative action…

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  7. Rekkit says:

    Sally forth, young MM, and continue to wreak havoc in the jol.

    The force is strong with this one. His name is always on the list.

    If it isn’t, someone fucked up, and should have their ass fired.

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  8. Doctor L. says:

    @Rekkit

    Shit is lame.

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  9. Kontlap says:

    Nice on sani – gr8 article – keep feeding us ur literature! ta

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  10. Kontlap says:

    Nice one sani – gr8 article – keep feeding us ur literature! ta

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  11. Rekkit says:

    @Dr L

    Shit is indeed lame. However, your lack of descriptions as to what exactly you consider ‘shit’ is not only lame but indicative of a lack of diction. That Model C shit, maybe that’s what’s lame. Sure as shit didn’t work you, yo.

    Wise up, lameass. MM is a bright star amongst a sea of droll dishwater. His shit is fire.

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  12. Dishwater says:

    oh dear, photos plus captions equals page filler. Isn’t this how campus times fucked out?

    and aren’t these the same bro’s and ho’s that clap loudest at julius’ latest mouth-off? What fun this little cess pool will be when Bfcking E.E finally kills off your lifeline to anything vaguely considered Western. That means the clothes and the hats and the motherfucking Moet. Cunts.

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  13. eminemnememen says:

    heinie and jammie is strictly colonial y’all. Lay off that shit yo, we all need to be sipping on that sorghum!

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  14. Sean says:

    @ Kontlap: I dunno if this writing is literature. More like amphetamine inspired caption writing. Whatever it is, it’s cruelly funny. My commiserations to the Mozambican stroke victim adopted by Mzwaki Mbuli.

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  15. djf says:

    Are Dishwater’s remarks a bit racist in anyone else’s opinion?

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  16. Phalafala says:

    Dishwater needs to pack it in and go live with Huntley and that other chick in today’s paper. He’s definitely displaying some racially compartmentalised, backward thinking right there.

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  17. Phalafala says:

    And considering I know most of these people, I can assure you that he’s racial profiling right there. What Mr Dishwater, all black people blindly support Julius Malema and Bob Mugabe?? All black people are corrupt, ignorant, golden-goose killing idiots. Go fuck yourself Dishwater.

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  18. Gamka says:

    Nah, Dish’ just bin reading too many papers and not getting out. Can we get the music over the next article Ed?

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  19. King Mswati III says:

    Great stuff. Can’t believe I’ve been nonchalantly bouncing along, not reading, looking for a nipple to make my day somewhere. I laughed my ass off and will do so here onwards. Keep it up and yes Dishwater all blacks are like that! Don’t you want to call it quits and go to your country before I get xenophobic all up in your ass?

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  20. Doctor L. says:

    Montle is okay. I have expressed my support for him in previous posts.

    The things that you wrote are what made me think of “lame”.

    for example (note: i have added more examples culled from you comment addressing me):

    “Sally forth, young MM, and continue to wreak havoc in the jol.”

    “The force is strong with this one.”

    “have their ass fired.”

    “Shit is indeed lame”.

    “indicative of a lack of diction”

    “That Model C shit”

    “Sure as shit”

    “didn’t work you, yo”

    “Wise up, lameass.”

    “Montle is a bright star amongst…dishwater.”

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  21. Doctor L. says:

    @Dishwater

    I think something is wrong with you. You seem unhappy. I think it is weird/disturbing that you are angry at people who you do not know on the internet, and that you show know self-awareness when expressing this anger.

    I’m not sure if you can differentiate between reality and the internet and I’m not sure if you can differentiate between abstractions (stereotypes) and facts (human beings).

    “What fun this little cess pool will be when Bfcking E.E finally kills off your lifeline to anything vaguely considered Western. That means the clothes and the hats and the motherfucking Moet. Cunts” – Dishwater addresses party-goers at Poppin Bottles via their online photographs (circa 2009).

    I feel worried that there are people like you in the world. I feel like you will cause harm to someone/people over a dated idea that you have not thought about critically. The idea will comfort and make you feel ‘purpose’ while making the world a worse place.

    I feel like you use racist rhetoric to ‘hide away’ from possibly a personality disorder/low self-esteem*/failure to become ‘something significant’ in life.

    According to your comment you are not a good man, and you have divisive and destructive ideas about society/humanity. I think this comes from feelings that you are deflecting from yourself because ‘inside’ you maybe really feel that you are piece of shit that does not deserve love.

    I feel like society/humanity would benefit if you would become blind or quadraplegic or something and have to rely on the compassion of other people. Maybe this will teach you about compassion and open you up to the possibilty of learning to love humanity and yourself.

    I hope you will day one stop being so angry/hating yourself and embrace humanity.

    *’evidenced’ by choosing the tag Dishwater which the previous commenter used as a derogotary term connoting mediocrity in the journalism industry.

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  22. urbanmosadi says:

    Got nothing intelligent to say…i will have u know though that them blue braids is now blonde! Ha.

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  23. Dad says:

    Do you really want to read a music review about a resident dj? a dj you can see every sunday? seriously? a 30 something year old dj who’s been playing only hip hop and rnb since 1900?

    Have you ever even read a peice about pop bottles before?

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  24. Big Space says:

    Dishwater….. thats tight!You have no idea what a brilliant name that is, montle is a lucky man. THE DIRT BAG IS BACK YOU BITCHES!

    http://WWW.SPACESWAGGER.BLOGSPOT.COM

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  25. Big Space says:

    THE DIRTBAG IS BACK, THE DIRTBAG IS BLACK. DISHWATER. THE MALE SHASHWI.

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  26. G says:

    Can we not go the racist route here? Both sides? Plenty of that elsewhere, go hit news24 if that’s your bag. Mahala has been thankfully free of that shit and it would be cool if it could stay that way.
    Not sure on this but I would think the best way to deal with a racist post is to ignore it. Responding to it just encourages more posts by the original poster, which is the last thing we want, isn’t it? And once that happens, I think we’ve all been on enough forums to know where that leads.
    IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE I say!

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  27. Doctor L. says:

    @G

    You make a good point. I wrote my reply as a way of reaching not only Dishwater, but perhaps other racists similarly shaking their fists at the screen (but not commenting).

    Racism is odd, and a characteristic of people who are unintelligent/threats to society/to be helped. We must be vigilant in educating them to the level of intelligent/rational/progressive human beings who can contribute positively towards a state of amicable/peaceful/meaningful living.

    (Fact: Dishwater is like Doctor L. who is like G who is like any other commenter/contributer on this site, and on this planet.)

    Perhaps if Dishwater could ‘pack a bowl’ and enjoy the soothing effects of marijuana with a member of a race he antogonizes, ‘a moment’ might transpire that could fundamentally alter his expectations/perceptions of race and other humans forever.

    Maybe somone in his locale could volunteer?

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  28. G says:

    “Perhaps if Dishwater could ‘pack a bowl’ and enjoy the soothing effects of marijuana with a member of a race he antogonizes, ‘a moment’ might transpire that could fundamentally alter his expectations/perceptions of race and other humans forever.”

    Amen to that! (not that I’m religious or anything).

    @Doctor L.
    I agree with you. I’m just disillusioned with the racism thing on forums…I’ve only ever seen it degenerate…

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  29. HorseHair says:

    you motherfuckers are seriously bored..
    laugh at the shit, thats what it is funny.. not that complicated..
    I have horse hair i laughed my nipples hard..
    is puss white blood cells?

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  30. Misty Beethoven says:

    holy fuck this is funny. somone kicked hunter s’s corpse out the grave, juiced it up with nitrous and ether and let the deranged loose on the jozi party scene. “I felt like a cross between Old Dirty Bastard and King Leopold stuck at a Nickelback cover band album release” is about the most astute piece of inadvertant po-mo poetry i’ve yet encountered.

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  31. Misty Beethoven says:

    crap meant to say “deranged zombie”

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  32. DR Pachanga says:

    I DNT CRY I DRINK! THE FUCKED UP GUY WITH THE TEETH HAT

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  33. DR Pachanga says:

    THERE ARE NO JOKES. TRUTH IS THE FUNNIEST JOKE OF ALL.

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  34. THE YOUTH OF TODAY. says:

    Montle, you make me ashamed!
    Dude, what went wrong?
    You are so gonna get some ass-whipping.
    You will learn hard!

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  35. lovehiphop says:

    MOTLE URE LOOKING FOR AN ASS WHIPPING…
    WHO THE FUCK R U BITCH NIGGA, FUCK U & GET A HOBBIE.
    FUCKEN WASTE OF SPERM, YOUR MAMA SHOULD’VE SWALLOWED YOU.
    POP BOTTLES IS A POSITIVE BRAND & WE THERE TO ENJOY OURSELVES…
    CRITISIZE THE PARTY NOT PEOPLE.
    FUCK OFF & GET A LIFE

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  36. Andy says:

    Love hip hop and the youth of today – threats are so stupid. This may be an anonymous internet forum but we can still trace your IPs

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  37. DR Pachanga says:

    People Dont hate im just V 4 VENDETTA!

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  38. Black Dutch says:

    EK HOU BAIE BAIE VAN POP VORTEL!

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  39. Black Dutch says:

    LL COOL POPPING VORTEL!

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  40. Black Dutch says:

    Why do girls go to pop bottles to pop vortels!

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  41. Black Dutch says:

    YOUTH OF TODAY U REALLY NEED TO CHILL AND GO HANG OUT IN GREENSIDE WITH COUPLE OF WHITE FOLKS WHO WILL GIVE U THE LEFT OVERS WHEN THEY DONE.
    TSSS!

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  42. POP VORTEL! says:

    LOVEHIPHOP! DNT BE SO HEAVY AND GET THAT POP VORTEL OUT UR ASS THIS IS HOW SOME PEOPLE MAKE CASH AND U DOIN THE SAME THING BY VERBALLY ABUSING PEOPLE ONLINE. SINCE POP BOTTLE IS SUCH A POSITIVE BRAND I DNT C WHY U SHOULD GO OUT EVERYMONTH AND BLOW CASH ON MOET AND PATRONE INSTEAD OF HELPING OUT BROTHERS IN ALEXANDRA,SOWETO ETC WAT GUD HAVE U PROVIDED FOR THE COMMUNITY OR DID U JUST TEACH THE UNDER AGE GIRLS HOW TO BOODY HOP! MIGHT ASWELL PIMP THEM WITH A BOTTLE OF MOET.

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  43. rekogniz says:

    This article had me rolling around on the floor wish i had wrote it you are the future

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  44. SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS says:

    GOD HATES CRUNK! NUF SAID!

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  45. horsehair says:

    jesu christo! Some people take themselves very seriously neh! What has not been said about pop bottles. Thanks montle for giving us a good laugh and a different perspective in these dark, violent times we live in. For someone who endorses such positivity THE YOUTH OF TODAY and lovehiphop have me scared, infact montles review made me want to go pop some bottles now not so much nowing i might get an ass whippin or have my mother disrespected for having an opinion. Sies, ngyani khafulela, embarrasing us in front of the mlungus.

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  46. horsehair says:

    Eish mara, people who cant laugh at themselves are sad neh. We where laughing together, now we laugh at you.

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  47. Andy says:

    check Montle’s take on Rocking The Gardens

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  48. priscilla(betty shorts) says:

    eish ya ne, wnt lie

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  49. ICEDOCTOR says:

    Oh man this is hillarious….

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  50. horsehair says:

    49 comments! Yoh! I hope this people pay you enough, but you deserve more. You deserve me!
    Montle will you marry me?
    *You make my body hungry*

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  51. silver surfer says:

    mkay as a regular pop bottles go-er my comments go a follows 1- i dnt think a capetonian shud comment on the way jhb dwellers live.u guys are chiled out,slow n steady peeps.while we are fast,up to date peeps.like new york n florida for example. 2- i agree with the steep entrance fee(n no the gals u saw in vip didnt pay we nt dumb) 3- i really think for ur future blogs ryt on the event n nt the ppl u captured in moments.ryt on the music(which u never once did) which is far from crunk or dirty south consideing the dj line up( fact) rather old skwl n rnb based. 4- pop bottles is nt a positive project rah rah rah bt neither are the parties at chrome or marvel or bang bang,so ur arguement on that point is invalid. 5- i was dissapointed with this partcular pop bottles becoz they made a mistake on choie of venue.p.b is a very chilled event taking place on a sunday for the love of hiphop.club inc is a high-in club for sociolites n business men looking to blow cash,so it did contrast. however i dourge u to go to another pop bottls to truely experience y a select few of jhb peeps love it so much.if not rather ryt up on parties in cpt since it is ur kind and it makes more sense. 6- try to extend ur vocab coz reading this it sounded like a nerd in high skwl who decided to do a burn book at all the popular kids for revenge. bt if thats the lok u going for i can tell u that it wnt land u up on the red carpet like perez hilton coz this is s.a afterall. kwl home page tho.

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  52. montle says:

    this is gay…really gay. ive had better times being arent boy..im not from cape town and i only wear adidas.

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  53. silver surfer says:

    i expected a comment just like that…ironic? i think not.mmmm.the simple minds of our world.

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  54. good time guy says:

    see you felles at edgards buddy…

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  55. Ps sqaured says:

    Wow Nice pic thanks hatter,Tht was actualy da bst shrt at Pop Bottles if u wnt more pictures come thru at the next one, come check out more of Pssquared T shirts….

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  56. its over says:

    this site needs some serious criticism and report for bad use.

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  57. Nova Miumiu says:

    “That night, I had a really painfull ingrown hair on pubes which I constantly had to keep prodding and popping to keep the pus levels in check. When I got drunk later I forgot to excuse myself to the batroom to perform this surgery, I just started busting nuts out of my new baby pus penis on the dance floor. I swear to God it isn’t an STD, I swear!”

    This is certainly the worst article I’ve read in a while. It’s understandable if you didn’t garner a positive experience from Pop Bottles and perhaps you should have used this article to express that more intelligently, however, your style of writing leaves much to desire. You really should reconsider the things you publish.

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  58. lol'ing says:

    Lmao! Sheesh talk about freedonm of expression! Na guy- use that right to your advantage- u clearly made a fool outta ur self in this aricle- bt no worries #dustyourselfoffandtryagain

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  59. lol'ing says:

    Lmao! Sheesh talk about freedom of expression! Na guy- use that right to your advantage- u clearly made a fool outta ur self in this aricle- bt no worries #dustyourselfoffandtryagain

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