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Player of the Decade

Player of the Decade

by Petra Mason / 14.01.2010

With golf champ Tiger Wood’s girl count in the double digits and headlines about all night sex parties, girl-on-girl 3-ways, ecstasy, S+M, kinky quickies and pretty much anything a dirty mind or rather the gutter press like “The New York Post” can make up, it’s time for us freaks to show Tiger some love.

Mahala readers may not have spent any time playing golf, or even watching it, but we have all been to work with a hangover, and we know it ain’t easy to focus on much with a babalaas. Steamy revelations about the sports superstar turning out to be “Athlete of the Decade” not only during, but after hours too are inspiring to say the least. This guy is hot. And that is why, more than ever, we should consider the first billionaire in sports history our hero.

But before you all get hysterical and point out the obvious; that he cheated, multiple times, on his wife, that he is a fallen angel, a fake. An image-consultant made myth of a man who fed us hype and that for all this he deserves a public shambokk-ing – keep in mind, at 33 years old this incredible talent is the best golfer in history. Anyway, when did you all become virgins?

So let us reverse to the beginning of the rumpus: in late November 2009, when the news broke about Tiger’s bizarre early a.m. fire hydrant accident, we were still buying the Tiger Woods brand fantasy story. After over 13 years in the media spotlight, Mr Clean was still squeaky. His handlers, primarily the largest talent management team in the world, the rather sinister sounding “International Management Group”, left nothing to chance, or to the imagination. Tiger means big bucks in endorsements, he is more than a brand, he’s an entire industry. And in the vanilla world of golf, he has always been the odd one out. To begin with, his name is Tiger, and not Todd. He’s black and he’s dominating a white man’s game. He’s good looking. He wears red on Sundays and he’s a practicing Buddhist. One of the rules of pro golf is to conform. It’s a deeply conservative, red neck sport, and at the top, it’s exclusively made up of good old boys, Republicans, the right wing, men who not long ago would not have allowed Tiger onto the green, who may at most, have hired him as a caddy. The very same guys who, to this day, will not allow women to join the prestigious Atlanta Golf Club where the Masters, the first of the Majors, takes place.
Therefore, Tiger, who for years has been a brand-marketing dream, has also been a bit of a dark horse, making him even sexier to a younger sports audience.

Tiger Tiger

Now that Tiger has pulled-out of pro golf indefinitely, ratings for golf on television have plummeted. After all, he is the man who opened up golf to a completely new audience. What was previously a niche sport, thanks to him, has a completely new public. Without him, products like Tag Heuer, Gillette, Accenture, AT+T and Nike lose major star power. There is simply no one on his level of excellence to replace him with.

Part of his made for media persona included marrying a Swedish formermodel. Never having said a word in public, she seemed more likely to get a role in “Stepford Wives” than “COPS”, which turns out she’d be better cast for. But she missed her cue, and Tiger’s life turned into a John Waters movie, complete with little blonde serial mom getting old school on his lyin’ cheatin’ black ass, with a golf club nonetheless. Do we really need to feel that sorry for her? Sure we have all “lost it” before, but last time I checked, attacking someone with a golf club could kill them. And for this, along with her obvious personal pain and humiliation, she gets $300 million. Now, at 30, Ms Thang can retire to a fjord in her native Sweden and shack up with a hunky viking. Sure beats being in the public eye, stuck in a boring cluster-fuck gated community in Orlando, Florida, wondering who your husband is sex-ting while you and the kids are snoring.

By now you might be wondering why, if Tiger Woods has fucked everyone, then why not you? They say there is no accounting for taste, and when it comes to women, Tiger has none. Tiger’s birdies, 14 at last count, are all skanky with Barbie doll playmate names: Cori, Jamie, Mindy, Holly… they are mostly blonde, rockin’ fuck me pumps, with careers as porn stars or cocktail waitresses. Tiger’s lillys make Flavor Flav’s “Flavor of Love” girls look like the type you’d take home to your Moms. You know the type; they are all over the internet. Not suprisingly, Tiger’s harem of hussies are all proving to be as fake as their tits. Those bitches are blowing the whistle on him faster than they blow their clientele. It is hard to keep track of who is who and who got which book deal or what vodka endorsement, because with that Gucci bag crew, they all look the same.

So why so many tarts with no flavour Tiger? My guess is it is because they are like a diet of carbohydrates: easily available, briefly satisfying, but not enough to sustain you, so you crave more. Or perhaps he has just been doing the same chicks any jock dreams of doing, particularly the Cialis popping golf demographic (Cialis, a version of Viagra, happens to be the biggest advertiser on the Golf Channel). Hopefully, he’ll grow up, and his palette will improve.

The new Tiger, the real one, will be far more interesting than the automaton created first by his Father and then the handlers who came later. Tiger can emerge from this meltdown as what Tom Wolf might call “a man in full,” a complete human being, flawed and filled with needs, as we all are. The old Tiger was a child trying to live up to others’ expectations. The real Tiger is a man choosing to live his own life.

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RESPONSES (39)
  1. alexd says:

    Brilliant, white hot prose from my girl, P! About time someone spoke out for Tiger. Grrrrrrrr!

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  2. Brendan says:

    Nicely done. Empty calorie mistresses.

    Tiger should grow his hair long and become the Maradona of golf.

    http://www.brendanjack.com/

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  3. Afrimoon says:

    plse someone send this article to tiger!

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  4. Classy says:

    Long live Tiger Woods!!!

    Hail the great man, Hail him!

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  5. brenda says:

    actually, a mini mr woods design would make the perfect brown equivalent of ken. check out those arms.

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  6. Jason says:

    great piece!

    I’d say most of those pro golfers (good old boys, Republicans, the right wing, men who not long ago would not have allowed Tiger onto the green) have been putting from the rough far ages. I know a few of the more famous okes are wife beating drunks.

    Perhaps they’re not in the news simply because nobody cares about fat middle aged toppies pomping bimbettes after sinking a few holes.

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  7. Jean Barker says:

    Amazing how ignorant people are about sex addiction and what it’s really about. That, for me has been the most fascinating thing about this whole thing. That and imagining Tiger naked having hot sex, of course. I’ve never been at all interested in golf (except from a destructive perspective) until two weeks ago.

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  8. Annie says:

    I appreciate the refreshing angle on a story that has been flogged from one side for too long. Good reading and thanks for the effort.

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  9. Moagisi says:

    Petra, you have just gained a fan. Yummy writting, despite my thoughts on the Tiger that fled. Are you on twitter? Would like to follow you.

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  10. Moagisi says:

    Oh, and lol-ed at this line: “By now you might be wondering why, if Tiger Woods has fucked everyone, then why not you?” Mostly because of the sexy achiever you paint him as just before that, you do catch yourself wondering. Lol! Agree with Annie, refreshing angle indeed.

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  11. what's he packing? says:

    if dude’s half black and half asian, did he get an over or under sized dick? Or do you think it’s like baby bear, just right?

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  12. Er... says:

    Moagisi, Petra, I can safely say that I was NOT wondering that.

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  13. Anonymous says:

    every single guy reading this article is jealous of tiger woods

    his money
    his sex appeal / good looks
    his success

    he’s pretty much The Perfect Guy. just cos he likes to fuck, people demonize him. is it even really such a sin? i’ll put my salary for the year on the fact that he’s a fucking stallion in bed as well.

    awesome article, thanks to writer person

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  14. Don Dada says:

    Nice one Petra, i got into trouble with the Office Grrlz for defending Tiger. America loves building heroes and watching them fall. Sex Addiction? Around my way they just call it being JAS!
    Besides, remember that Kobe Bryant scandal? The Shaq Scandal? The game can’t go on without it’s star players, Tiger will be back to whip ass on the green and all will be forgiven.
    oh and by the way – FUCK GOLF!

    RIP Teddy Pendergrass

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  15. Tiger says:

    Hey all you useless half witted saffers, I will always be the man whether you like it or not… Good article Petra, and thanks to whoever for getting it to me, well played…

    And get a life Don Dada, with a name like that no wonder you dont dig golf…

    Tiger

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  16. Judith says:

    At last somebody says it like it is. Petra, your Mom is very proud of you, but where did you learn all those fascinating facts of life? Not from me!

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  17. Petra says:

    Hi Mom,

    Let’s just say you taught me how to be outrageous. And a wise ass too.

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  18. Moagisi says:

    Er…, it was not meant seriously, and I doubt Petra meant it too seriously too. I think the point was to make the picture of a successful man attractive, and then snap you out of it when you remember who she is writing about. I would certainly pass this tiger.

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  19. Kicker says:

    Well done, this is writing with bite to it…yummy!

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  20. thomas okes says:

    petra, you rock. and my money’s still on all those tabloid-sluts being exposed as lying money-grubbers anyway. seriously, how does it make sense to “buy” someone’s “true” story?

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  21. A. de A. says:

    Brava. Love reading good, engaging writing and when it’s humorous and has bite and wit, it makes it a total delight. Long live the written word and those like you who celebrate it by such wonderful use of language and wit. And of yes, as for Tiger, as one writer said after he was made Athlete of the Decade, “and he plays golf, as well.”

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  22. Sleaze says:

    Finally a Mahala article that is not self referential, insular and in close proximity to its nether end!

    Humorous, edgy, on the ball and universal, please Mahala powers to be, more from this lass!

    Ok my first line might have been a little exaggerated for effect, you are on the whole generally the best weekly read in the country, but this one is keeper and I for one would love to see more from her.

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  23. JT says:

    Nice, real nice

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  24. Make her write more says:

    of course it’s got bite people!

    it’s about a tiger!

    You know, really…

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  25. Petra says:

    Thanks for all the love people. Maybe I’ll get my Twitter on afterall. I am proud to say that America’s most outragous drag queen, the one and only Lady Bunny posted the story online today.For me, that’s a major endorsement.

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  26. LB says:

    This had to be said, and even better, it’s true.

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  27. Maynard says:

    Im sure the next thing part in this sequence of equations will be how as the esctasy kicked in the boy was having a moment swinging on some Vine . . .

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  28. Foster Stevenson says:

    Finally a proper perspective on a major talent, who also happens to be a man! In a world built on the foundation of the weak man. He had to fall better sooner than later.

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  29. miniature hockey says:

    When it comes to golf, I support the George Carlin school of thought. It’s a horribly elitist and pointless game. The amount of urban land squandered on golf courses for the rich and bored would be better used on housing for those who need it.

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  30. Dirk says:

    @miniature hockey – you missed the bloody point here. This is not about golf at all. Take your two cents and go buy yourself a sweetie.

    @P – very nice!

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  31. Anonymous says:

    Petra – so glad someone finally said what I feel. H

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  32. Classy says:

    All the greatest sportsmen have had their vices:

    George Best (ex man utd footballer) Pisshead deluxe, famed for saying “I spent all my money on booze, fast cars and women, the rest I wasted”

    Shane Warne (greatest bowler of all time) Philanderer, pisshead and matchfixer

    Herchelle Gibbs (one of the most destructive opener in recent history) Pisshead – did time in rehab, match fixer with his mates Hansie and Nicky Boje, busted smoking grass while on tour in the West Indies

    John Daly (another former top golfer) Pisshead and has had plenty run ins with the law because of it

    Tiger (greatest athlete alive today breathing air) fucks anything regestering a pulse!

    Hail these great men as the entertainment they have given me over the years far outweighs the “wrong” choices they have made.

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  33. $esentwintig says:

    Nice to see the Tiger Wheel and Tyre re-opened !

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  34. William says:

    When the stars threw down their spears,
    And watered heaven with their tears,
    Did he smile his work to see?
    Did he who made the Lamb, make thee?

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  35. dMtDave says:

    Great article. Articulate and well thought out.

    More please.

    What else you got in the tank, Petra?

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  36. Savyra says:

    @ Branda – totally agree. Am an arm person too.
    @Petra – write more, write more. You are a find!!! Brilliant work. And yes do get the Twitter thing going… any blogs?

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  37. Petra says:

    Great feedback, thank you all. Yes indeed you’ll be reading more from me here at Mahala. If you’d like to follow my stories and you’re not on Twitter, mall me your email address and I’ll be sure to keep you in the loop when new stories are posted.

    My email address: petramason@gmail.com

    Peace and pearls, Petra.

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  38. Moose says:

    Nice article. Who gives a fuck what he does in his private life.
    He didn’t kill anyone, he cheated on his wife and that’s between him and his wife.
    I hope he comes back, whips everyone as usual and two fingers the Post and his ex-sponsors.

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  39. Graeme Feltham says:

    Tiger played in the rough which makes him more human, less machine.
    Following from this – his sexual proclivities should be celebrated on many counts. The farce of monogamy being just one. The will to win morphed into the will to conquer is, in truth, no transformation. He just played his being on another field.

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