About Advertise
Culture
WHITEBOY-1

BEST OF 2014 | Just An Average Durban Whiteboy In My Late 20s

by Samora Chapman / 26.12.2014

Originally published on 25 April 2014

I’m just an average Durban whiteboy in my late 20s. I’m in Durban for the moment, but I’m actually heading to Cape Town or Jozi, or London. Or anywhere really. I’m in three different bands, and I’ve slept with everyone in all of them. I do a bit of cocaine, but only on weekends, and if someone else is buying.

Jokes. I only do natural drugs like Durban Poison ‘cos Jah made it.

The scene is so small. I know everybody by their nicknames. The scene is so small I notice it every time someone leaves. Every time someone leaves, a cold breeze howls and tumbleweeds blow through the Winston Pub.

I’m a ‘professional’ photographer. Kevin Goss-Ross liked one of my photos once. When I get a lot of likes on Facebook, I feel like a better person.

I dress in boots and denim, even when it’s 30 degrees, ‘cos I’m cool like that. If I dress like I live in London or LA, maybe Durban will seem less backwater.

surf

I surf. I have a spiritual connection with the ocean. If I don’t get to surf, I sometimes turn into a werewolf and hurt all those around me. Even the ones I love. My boss still doesn’t understand this.

I sometimes shop at the clothe-piles in the city or on Grey Street, but mostly I shop at Mr Price. I’m actually employed by Mr Price, so I get discount. All my friends are also employed by Mr Price.

I hate Mr Price.

jacket

I sometimes go walking about the city taking photos of the poor and suffering. I write stories about ‘them’ which I sell for money. I seldom do anything real to help the underprivileged and dispossessed.

WHITEBOY-2

I always wish I had more. Of everything.

I drive a blue Honda Ballade that my granny gave me. It keeps breaking down and I complain about it all the time. Even though I got it free and don’t pay the insurance.

I pretend to buy my rotis from Johnny’s in the ‘hood, but I actually get them from House Of Curries on Florida Road. It’s so embarrassing when my Cape Town friends take selfies with Bunny Chows.

sunrise-7

I’m kind-of friends with Bob Perfect. I even have his personal cell phone number, although he never picks up or returns my calls.

Durban Is Mine.

I always wish Durban was better than it is. Even though it’s fucking awesome. Every time I leave, I miss it so much I have to come back… home.

Images © Caelin Roodt, Samora Chapman, Creepy Steve

94   17
RESPONSES (30)
  1. MattytothefuckenmaxOUT says:

    Awesome man.

    Really enjoyed that:)

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  2. Expat says:

    This is the best! Miss you Joeg!

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  3. Sinead says:

    My heart. Thanks Joeg.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  4. Dazla says:

    <3

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  5. Southey says:

    You went full retard

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  6. Ry says:

    Insightful.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  7. Perm Silva says:

    Power!.. honesty is best

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  8. Blue says:

    I have lived in JHB for the past 15 years but have constant dreams about Durbs, the place where I was born and grew up JHB has no soul..for me anyway..I just came here for work and got trapped in a dead end job…Spoke to my wife about moving to Durbs but she said she cant stand the heat down there. I might leave her.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  9. Fuck Bob Perfect says:

    Fuck Bob Perfect.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  10. SAMORASEPOES says:

    Ya shweet.

    I’m just a regular white guy pretending to be ghetto. Here’s an edgy article to show how edgy I am because I’m edgy. The truth is the more articles like this I write, the more people I piss off. The more people the more the article gets shared. The more shares it gets the more views my site gets. The more views my site gets, the more money I can make off of advertising. Which enables me to follow my dream of writing like a poes for a poes site. Fuck the world. Skate or die. 420.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  11. Tseliso says:

    “I only do natural drugs like Durban Poison ‘cos Jah made it.”

    Poetry 🙂

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  12. Loop says:

    That was a waste of time.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  13. Grant says:

    Jesus guys give Samora a break. He wrote all those sweet (or not depending on how you look at it) articles on the whoonga madness.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  14. colin says:

    Durban was mine for a time. Partied like there was no morn. DP paid me good money. Free Surf. Samoosas. Castle. Huge dirt bikes, riding up to the ‘berg and back for a weekend. It was awesome for me too. Then I left because the attraction was fading.

    I went back after 25 years, and the fading was continuing…

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  15. Dimitar V Dobrev says:

    Googled Bob Perfect. Was not disappoint.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  16. Cnut says:

    Ha ha… Stick to your who infra expose’ s…

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  17. iKapa Girl says:

    Great article. I really enjoyed it. But I’m kind of reeling at the brand new information that you are white…

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  18. amazing Grace says:

    got such a boner for you right now!

    “It’s so embarrassing when my Cape Town friends take selfies with Bunny Chows.”

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  19. BoBBY NAIWHO says:

    Bob is a snob, he pushes people in the back at rock concerts. He’ll fit perfectly in long street. I also have him as a friend on facebook. Future intern for Huis Genooooit. Ya he finally realized Splashy is bullshit…Great article Samora!

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  20. Bob says:

    Fuck you guys

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  21. Woog says:

    Nice one Samora. Hit me right in the feels.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  22. salticrack says:

    And so the exodus to Cape Town continues. I’d be interested to see how many more Durban homies leave for Cape Town next year.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  23. Bob Perfect says:

    I’m such a hipster cunt. I think I’m cool because everyone hates me but has to be nice to me online so they can be featured on my shitty blog that nobody reads anyway. I’m the reason everyone moves to Cape Town so they don’t have to be in the same city as me.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  24. King Slay says:

    Bob Perfect > Gucci

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  25. Anonymous says:

    I pretend to buy my rotis from Johnny’s in the ‘hood, but I actually get them from House Of Curries on Florida Road.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  26. jeez says:

    See you future hipsters in CT. Bob I will visit you in Obs bru.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  27. Anonymous says:

    Bob Perfect is apparently shoulder length and glossy. Or did I miss something?

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  28. Dbn Princess says:

    Dude, you rock! I have never read anything that I have felt so connected to in my life. I could’ve written this myself (a few obvious gender based changes and if I could write half as well as you do)but the gist of it is all too familiar. I hate this city and yet its my only option. I love it some days and sometimes I just want to scratch off the ND on my stupid little car and head back to the glittering gold mines of GP. Wow. Thanks for this!

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  29. Richard P says:

    I live just outside London and although the grass is greener the surf is always flat. Yep I miss Durbs but I can buy more bread here.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

  30. GB says:

    Brilliant writing. I last lived in Durban in 1989. It seems that nothing has changed. I miss it.

    Thumb up0   Thumb down 0

LEAVE A REPLY

Loading...