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Sunrise Chip and Ranch

Johnny’s Roti

by Creepy Steve / 06.01.2011

A free lunch you say? Already I’m skeptical; the Jewlord at Mahala is not known for being a big spender – ah Sunrise Chip and Ranch. That explains it. Affectionately referred to as Johnny’s. One of Overport’s acclaimed eateries. It’s a cosmopolitan affair attracting blue collar laborers and white contractor types over lunch, through to Sydenham gangsters and the post-jol drunken munchies crowd arrive through all hours of the night, as the sign says 24/7. And let’s not forget the pack of street kids living at the robots on the corner of Alpine and Sparks, that beg for money to play the descending hook arcade machine thing. Pretty much a smorgasbord of flops eating curries out the wrapping off the hood of their cars, blaring Boys2Men at decibels it was never meant to be appreciated at. (Was it ever meant to be appreciated?) Even cast-iron-gutted Indian colleagues of mine have warned against buying the food there and much folklore surrounds its reputation. Its notoriety has made it synonymous with Durban.

Sunrise Chip and Ranch

It’s lunch time and there’s a take no prisoners attitude in the queue. I ask the chunky guy with the mullet, (which is sometimes tied up in a ponytail for hygiene reasons), if I can take a photo for a magazine. The guy has served me for the last decade of my patronage and one has to appreciate an eating establishment that has weighty staff, it’s an indication of quality. He’s flattered and hospitable, tells me the place has been around for about 42 years and avoids my tricky questions surrounding the urban legend that it was shut down by the Health Department and was only able to re-open by changing the name from Johnny’s to Sunrise. He also vehemently denies that anyone has ever found a penlight battery in their roti.

It strikes me that Johnny’s has been around before either myself or the uncle were born and that it’s continued success is in no small way attributable to it’s savvy marketing strategies. I get the feeling the ponytail mullet chap might formerly have been an advertising executive who returned to run the family business, the signage and slogans are state of the art and cutting edge respectively; best offal shop in town, baboo special buy one for the mother in law. They now boast a formidable franchise with a branch in Cape Town’s Mowbray, I think, and a Sunrise Lodge which I’m sure is nothing short of 5 star.

Sunrise Chip and Ranch

I order the mutton bunny avoiding the chip and cheese roti the place is renowned for, on the advice a wise man once gave me: “You don’t mix cheese and curry – everybody knows that!”
It makes quite obvious sense. Indian take out can be a gastronomical mine field, it’s almost as if there’s a surprise flavor hiding in every corner about to make your face sweat and your lips convulse: chili pips, pieces of bark, bay leaves and elachi seeds. Sometimes it’s best to order conservatively. I’m in no rush to order the prawn curry.

Sunrise Chip and Ranch

The uncle invites me round back to take more photos, it’s about three times the size of the foyer take away area in the front and, in another swift marketing move, offers me the quarter mutton and a buddy Coke for free. Fuck now I’m obliged to be nice and give a rave review. Ha! This is not the New Age and this ou isn’t Aptul Gupta. To further my disappointment Mahala is now off the hook for his “lunch, it’s on me” deal. For me it’s a morally awkward area. I tell the uncle our magazine is on the internet “ma-ha-la”. The bunny is actually quite amazing – But I’m sure they only prepare the best for a visiting press delegate.

Sunrise Chip and Ranch

31   13
  1. snapper says:

    i found a bone in my beans once.
    hasn’t stopped me going back though.

    ps the empire includes sunrise fruit and veg, just round the corner in alpine rd

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  2. Polly says:

    “You don’t mix cheese and curry – everybody knows that!”

    This wise man has obviously never eaten mattar paneer in a Bombay greasy spoon.

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  3. Azzerae says:

    Bonus Ponytail Mullet combo! Reason enough to be labelled a good read.

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  4. YsterHart says:

    Dude, the chicken Roti Gatsby from the Mowbray arm is frikkin amazing. Its the ingredients of a normal gatsby, right, wait for it, inside a giant roti. POW!

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  5. terry mocil says:

    there’s a sunrise chip ‘n ranch in cape town too. in mowbray. owned by the same guy?

    and what the hell is a chip ‘n ranch anyway?

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  6. Lukka says:

    a chip ‘n ranch is when they feed chips to their cows. The chip ‘n cheese is lukka blended before they start.

    So lukka.

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  7. thom says:

    do want

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  8. dr phil says:

    I suppose it’s too much to ask for mahala to find a place selling food that is both healthy and affordable?

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  9. Andy says:

    Dr Phil…. what do you care, fat ass?

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  10. dr phil says:

    and you know this because you’ve measured it? from what I’ve heard your average mahala writer carries way too much in the trunk already.

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  11. Anonymous says:

    hell, your average mahala WRITER has too much in the trunk already.

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  12. fobias tunke says:

    mahala, champions of the low class eateries. we’re so bourgeois, we’re so cultural. please.

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  13. Joeg says:

    I’m so skinny I can hide behind a johnny’s roti.
    Nice one Creepy Steve!

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  14. Roger Young says:

    @fobias tunke

    While almost grammatically correct, the lack of capital letters on your comment tends to make the flow of the snark a little off-kilter and thereby rendering it more, how shall we say, pathetic than stinging. But nice try. Put another coin in the meter and try again.

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  15. Anonymous says:

    Wow that was so not derogatory

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  16. muerte says:

    fobias tunke is so painfully hip, they’ve taken David Cross’ closeted never-nude character from Arrested Development and , wait for it, flipped the first letters of his name! hoorah.

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  17. fobias tunke says:

    @ Roger

    Mahala: champions of the low class eateries. “We’re so bourgeois; we’re so cultural.” Please.

    Better, you fat fuck?

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  18. James Klopper says:

    So you got two free lunch offers and only one Roti? I’d be pretty pissed too. Hail Johnny’s! Liquidizer of post drunk stools! Warmer of hearts!

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  19. Lizzy says:

    steepy creeve is a long skinny guy, so the theory of the fat ass writer does not apply. and i dont actually think you can buy healthy take out from anywhere but places far too boring to write about. want healthy? eat at home.

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  20. creepy steve says:

    at anonymous re: Wow that was so not derogatory

    fuck you, you unidentfiable piece of shit cultureless cunt
    you probably even wear a burqua despite being a caucasian male
    eat a satchel of dicks if i had any idea of your creed or race i would curse your ancestors
    for producing such a sensitve dimwit

    thanks for all the comments haters

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  21. Roger Young says:

    Yes, thank you fobias, you [insert generic time wasting insult]

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  22. Bob Blake says:

    Roger Young’s obssession with perfectly clean grammar is a little embarrassing given that he viciously comma-splices his way through every article he writes. And he’s not immune to misplaced apostrophes either.

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  23. Roger Young says:

    In a high content speed environment, subbing your own work is always going to be problematic. But in a measured delivery of snark in the comment boards one should always try for maximum effectiveness. After all, one obviously has the time to waste.

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  24. Laz says:

    Ok u guys have done greek food,chinese food,indian food..when are u gonna be doing a review on white food..baked beans and boerewors?

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  25. kailash says:

    Here’s the latest,,,,,, KEVAL says where on earth can you ever buy a CHIP ‘N 5 X CHEESE ROTI with mutton, chicken or veg gravy, ALL FOR ONLY R20.00

    This is no jokes,, cut in half for a healthy meal for two

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  26. fobias tunke says:

    @ Roger

    That’s presupposes that we attribute enough energy to our time-wasting snark activities to want it to be perfectly primped just for little old you. It doesn’t work like that. You’re the journalist – stop making excuses; make sure your words are grammatically perfect and then start having a swing at random posters.

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  27. dr phil says:

    Creepy Steve is probably a skinny ass due to a metabolism overstimulated by a relentless urge for needless vulgarity and insulting one-upmanship. My profession can help you, oh creepy one.

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  28. creepy steve says:

    i doubt it , dickhead

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  29. fobias tunke says:

    creepy steve isn’t a particularly imaginative or subtle writer. his idea of comedy is also just LCD vulgarities.

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  30. forest whitaker's lazy eye says:

    Did his ass just shrink a little more? Quod erat demonstrandum.

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  31. Roger Young says:


    There is no such thing as grammatically perfect. Style is subjective and is borne of experience and context. Deal with it.

    Oh yes, I am fat and I do fuck, wanna come over?

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  32. fobias tunke says:

    @ Roger

    Oh my lord. Grammar is a set of a rules; an etiquette of language. Of course, rules are dynamic and context-sensitive, but they change over time by a kind of popular consensus in practice.

    You obviously believe this, otherwise you wouldn’t have criticised me for my lack of capital letters. In fact, within the ‘context’ of comment-board posting, lax attitudes to capitalisation, full sentence structure etc. are hardly controversial. Rules of grammar regarding journalism are slightly more formal.

    So get your facts straight before you try to sound smart.

    And re: your invitation. I like a good fuck as much as the next, but the ketchup stains on your chin, and the burger-flavoured perspiration on your bovine stomach might be a little bit of a turn off. Hit the treadmill and refresh the offer in two months. Yes, you can.

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  33. muerte says:

    Body fascist.

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  34. Bioskoop says:

    Ah, Johnnys roti brings back so many good memories. After a good night at burn we always stopped over for a roti. Those big warm melt in your mouth rotis that promises pleasure with every bite. I know what im having for dinner tonight.

    Cool article steve, about time johnnys gets the good review it deserves.

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  35. Roger Young says:

    Lax attitudes to capitalisation are permissible in the context of comment boards but it did rather take the sting out of your snark. This is all I was saying. Grammar on the other had is entirely subjective when conveying a mood, ain’t it?

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  36. creepy steve says:

    at fobise trunke “creepy steve isn’t a particularly imaginative or subtle writer. his idea of comedy is also just LCD vulgarities”

    everyone’s a critic hey , but i do like the little descriptor you wrote
    maybe go read an art magazine if you’re looking for enlightenment or inspiration
    or what ever the fuck it is you want, that my writing does not deliver

    p.s is that any better? any tips?

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  37. john says:

    You’re all idiots.

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  38. Wicked Mike says:

    Got food poisoning there but still went back. When a meal costs 20+ bucks, weighs a kilo, and tastes so damn good for dinner and breakfast, what other option is there. In a world of vanishing everything, it’s great that some institutions still exist. One of the few things i miss after i moved.

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  39. fobias tunke says:

    @ Roger

    I’m surprised you just keep digging here. Let me help you out with your grave. You’re saying two separate things:

    1. “Style is subjective and borne of experience and context.”
    2. “Grammar… is entirely subjective when conveying a mood.”

    Grammar’s primary function isn’t to convey a mood; that’s just a by-product. In the first place, it is a governing body of rules, or a structure, within which other aspects of language operate – in other words, it attempts to formalise, unify and order.

    Style may be subjective and borne of context, but grammar and style are not equivalent – style tends to operate within the limits of grammar (although, not strictly and not eternally) because language is a shared social convention (ask any post-structuralist). If I take your first claim to be true, it’s completely contradictory with your criticism about my lack of capital letters – in fact, it would vindicate my lack of capital letters because my style was disinterested, disrespectful. And if you want to talk about context, like I said, the context of message boards have far less formal expectations of proper grammar usage.

    Your second claim, by again confusing grammar’s sole purpose with style, is now also bullshit – because what it amounts to saying is that a) you can use grammar however the hell you like as a writer, which sounds like some kind of last-ditch effort to save your own grammatical failings, and thereby robs you of any authority to criticise my grammar and b) the reader’s engagement with grammar is subjective, because his/her mood or affective engagement with the sentence is subjective, which is just kind of taken for granted these days.

    Unfortunately, you can’t have your cake and eat it too, you greedy boy. What’s it going to be?

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  40. Roger Young says:

    I wasn’t criticising your grammar. I was pointing out that it took the sting out of your insult.

    And my grammatical failings are carefully thought out, that is what I refer to as style.

    I will however admit that my punctuation is atrocious.

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  41. fobias tunke says:

    We can keep going here.

    Just because you substitute “pointing out” that my grammar failed (ie, “took the sting out of my insult”) instead of “criticising”, doesn’t mean your comment wasn’t still a criticism.

    What do you mean your grammatical failings are carefully thought out – is the comma splice in the very sentence in which you claim this carefully thought out? Is that now emblematic of a “style” in the literary sense of the term?

    You’re just careless, Roger. And wrong. That’s all.

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  42. Dan says:

    @Fobia Tunke

    Jesus dude im sick of people like you on these comment boards. For someone who obviously does not like what he is reading considering your first comment ” we’re so bourgeois, we’re so cultural. please.” and subsequent little tiff with Roger I am really wondering why you are still even bothering. I mean fuck how bored are you?

    The only thing that ruins Mahala is pretentious time wasters like you. The article was good not great but you sure as hell didn’t make any effort to engage in a decent discussion/debate or critique but instead (and I agree with Roger here) decided to add some pithy pretentious comment that added nothing and quite frankly made you look like an ass behind a keyboard. Oh and then you proceeded to turn this whole thing into an argument about grammar so we can all see how intelligent you are.

    Fuck off. No one wants you here.

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  43. Roger Young says:

    You, sir, are correct. I am careless and wrong. And happy.

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  44. another voice says:

    It’s remarkable to me how you can’t take defeat Roger.

    Oh, you’re wrong and happy. Just like everyone you criticise in your articles.

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  45. Roger Young says:

    The only things that exist are empty space and atoms; everything else is just opinion.

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  46. fobias tunke says:

    Well, I guess we’ve reached cop-out avenue. I’m off.

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  47. Roger Young says:

    It’s not a cop out. I’ve stated my case. You have stated yours. We disagree. You endless restating your argument isn’t going to change that.

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  48. bahumbuggah says:

    A fine exemplum of the thread being more interesting than its source. Roger Young & tobias funke should definitely get a room & grind out a solution. On pain of death. Holy shit, these wankers breathe our air!

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  49. ockert says:

    Question 1: Is Roger in fact a fat fuck? If not, if Roger is in fact a svelte, lithe item, why did tunke seize upon this particular barb?
    Question 2: Are these characters bitches, or what?

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  50. fobias tunke says:

    @ Roger

    No, you see, that _is_ a cop out. Both your fatalist ‘the only things that exist are empty space and atoms’, and your subsequent ‘let’s agree to disagree’ position – the point is, you’re copping out if you refuse to engage me.

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  51. Roger Young says:

    Let’s engage. Why don’t we start with your real name?

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  52. fobias tunke says:

    My name is Adam. But this is completely peripheral to the issue, and not engaging with the points raised above.


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  53. Roger Young says:

    A: I don’t think it’s peripheral at all, you seem to know a lot about me, why should I not know about you? B: What are the points raised above?

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  54. fobias tunke says:

    I don’t know anything about you, other than what I piece together from your articles and the ensuing comment threads (this is where I picked up that you’re a porker, which was a low-blow, I yield). But either way, “why should I not know about you?” – well, I’m not a public figure, a journalist; my name’s not on the byline, so you’re free to engage my writing and not my personality, thanks.

    For the points raised above, ie: the nature of grammar, the false equivalency of grammar and style etc., you can go and re-read them. You’re far more boring an opponent than I imagined. You start off provocative, but just falter off into one sentence lethargy.

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  55. Roger Young says:

    Well that is because you make me lethargic. I don’t think arguing about grammar is an especially fascinating way to spend my time. I don’t even know why I’m still responding other than I’m waiting for stuff to finish uploading and have nothing better to do.

    What I am fascinated by is this though, what are you trying to get out of this?

    (also conceding it was a low blow directly after another insult is a bit, I don’t know, asshole-ish maybe?)

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  56. fobias tunke says:

    Arguing about grammar (at least this particular argument) isn’t especially fascinating, no. I’ve mostly been motivated by the fact that you sally onto these comment boards trying to sound smart ass by making provocative comments – and then, when you get challenged or threatened, you don’t hang around to admit defeat or even engage your contenders, but just talk a steady stream of irrelevant bullshit.

    Anyway, it could’ve been half-stimulating, but it ended up lopsided and ridiculous. Get back to your uploads and your nothing-better-to-do, please.

    (ja, I’d describe myself as asshole-ish. there, you know another thing about me)

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  57. Roger Young says:

    Grammar does not equal Style. Style cannot be a slave to Grammar. Also irrelevance is in the eye of the beholder.

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  58. fobias tunke says:

    You can shut up now, dude.

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  59. ockert says:

    Well, there you have it, ladies & gentlemen. Roger & Fobias could unfortunately not effect a full Saffer reconciliation, but the dialogue has nonetheless been taken forward. Roger has dismissed Fobias as a bore, & Fobias has grudgingly conceded that he does resemble an asshole in certain respects. This is more than Roger has conceded, of course, so full marks to Fobias there for his keen grasp of self. Fobias must also be awarded the garland for most vicious quip – ‘that’s where I heard you were a porker’ is deathless!

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  60. bahumbuggah says:

    @ockert. Haha, quite right, That Fobias is vicious as a rabid ferret. He came in gangbusters to chop Roger down from the outset, & he did so. His every post seeethes with hostility. He has a heart of pitch as far as Roger is concerned. He seems to hate the man with a terrible, almost priestly hatred. Why? Why does he hate the plump scribe so much?

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  61. ockert says:

    The dispute over grammar, style etc is so much persiflage. All the queenly bickering appears to be reducible to a demand by fobias tunke that the plump scribe shed some kilos as a condition for their coniunctio. This appalling prospect can therefore be avoided if Roger continues to follow an immoderate diet.

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  62. desdemona says:

    LOL ockert & ‘buggah. I want your babies!

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  63. creepy steve says:

    wow quite a thread has been going on here. the most coments i’ve had for an article up here. thanks to all who contributed. some make more interesting reading than the article itself. jolly good show chaps

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  64. ockert says:

    You’re welcome to the little bastards, desdemona, provided you’re not fat. I could not abide a flabby carrier of my issue.

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  65. desdemona says:

    Oh no, I’m very slender, & thought to be quite hot too. Most men don’t approach me, maybe for this reason. I also have a nasty tongue. I’m an overeducated bitch, i suppose. But i think u could cure me of that, ockert.

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  66. ockert says:

    I’m willing to give it a bash, desdemona. Snippy little bitches are my bread & butter. Regular sound thrashings will improve you no end.

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  67. fobias tunke says:


    Haha! You’re funny. If desdemona hadn’t already staked you out as her territory, I’d try my luck.

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  68. Roger Young says:

    @fobias! You’re back! I thought you had copped out.

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  69. dr phil says:

    “jolly good show chaps”. I preferred him when he was creepier and jitterbugging on all the preservatives he had ingested.

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  70. ockert says:

    O mother of mercy, that repulsive little hoooer fobias now bats his eyelashes at me – I think not! Can’t you tell the fat bastard’s back on yr scent, tunke? My attentions contrariwise are strictly for naughty girls with a hankering for their evil to be crushed. Like desdemona, unless the ho is lying about her appearance, which wouldn’t be the first time.

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  71. desdemona says:

    @ockert Haha. One of my stepdads went the firm discipline route, but i’m wicked as ever! The creep ended up in the clink for child abuse, my mother’s doing. She always was a spoilsport. Anyway, great to chat, man. Let’s get together, just gimme a few days to get rid of my loser boyfriend, ok

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  72. ockert says:

    Dismiss the loser at once, & never mention the word boyfriend again. Meet me on the Grand Parade, Friday 6pm. Dress in white, & look contrite. I’ll find you

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  73. desdemona says:

    @ockert Ok thanks. Countin the hours

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  74. fobias tunke says:

    A friend just gave me a copy of Mahala 1. I was rather pleased to read Roger’s article on “Why I loved Heroin”. Seriously, dude. You’re writing bores me so; it’s vendetta-worthy. Let’s duel. Or something.

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  75. akash says:

    Here’s a dynamite special thats gonna rock you off your seats.


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  76. carcinoma says:

    “only” R25?? Yeah, if you’ve got a fat lazy ass and couldn’t be bothered to prepare something much more wholesome of your own from supermarket ingredients at even less cost.

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  77. billobab says:

    @ akash

    that sounds like a pretty terrible deal. if you go to mcdonalds, you could get two cheeseburgers, medium french fries and a 500 ml coke for that money. you know, since we’re talking junk food.

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  78. creepy steve says:

    well you can’t please everybody all of the time

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  79. Bobby Digital says:

    i love rotis. i love creepy steve and roger young and james klopper and lord joeg and liz… the rest of you though are very silly and obviously have alot of spare time.
    arguing on mahala using fake names… i mean really!

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  80. Bobby Digital says:

    its just a website afterall… no need to get your panties in abunch over spelling and grammer… gosh

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  81. Ally says:

    Nice one, Creepdog

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  82. Gundoo Badja says:

    Cannot beat the original Chip and Ranch that sold the best kebab bunnies ever.The broad beans, steak burgers and full milk coffee was the best.Please get the original kebab recipe from the Johnny family and bring back the unique kebab taste of the past.

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  83. Georgia says:

    That mullet dude is amazing. One morning, incredibly hungover, we arrived with too little money for our R20 roti. That guy gave us a free coke and R2 to get my panados from the little shop next to them.

    Best service in Durban..

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  84. Mr Douglas says:

    Suck my eggs and blow my dhall curry..

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  85. The Big Cheese says:

    What an experience, I’m coming back soon.
    Mr Douglas you moffie, you fag, only woman have eggs. . .must be a Chatsworth ou.

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  86. Ed says:

    Try their chicken or mutton roti gatsby. Have to have one at least once a month.

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  87. Mojo says:

    Hey Dr Phil are a Brindhaven Boy?

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  88. Courtz says:

    why you tryna make Johnnys seem soooo bad.
    The food is just gorgeous and the service is friendly.
    Go Johnnys!!!!
    No1 chow for after the Jol.

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  89. Jacob Zuma says:

    I like the Guptas

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  90. Len10 says:


    This comments section was entertaining.

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