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Jack Parow - Eksie Ou

Best of 2012 | Jack Parow and The Nature of Inbreeding

by Max Barashenkov / 27.12.2012

Originally published 20 January 2012

The Patriarch pulled his cock out of his son, slapped the hairy ass and said, “that’s it, Jack, you’re ready for real stardom now.”

The younger man hitched up his shorts, wiped the snot from his moustache and vacated the place for the next sibling to receive the blessing. Fame Under The Mountain is hard earned, the family demanding and merciless to those that stray beyond the caravan park, but, as the Patriarch likes to say, inbreeding sells. Success is not achieved here, it’s fucked into you.

Jack squatted, fished out a note pad from somewhere and, while the Patriarch’s seed was strong within him, prepared to scribble down the wisdom to come. His older brother, Francois, had already assumed the position and the Patriarch always dispensed good advice while in the act. Jack couldn’t help but envy the elasticity of Van Coke’s anus, a man bred for stardom indeed.

“Aiiiight, Parow,” exhaled the elder, easing himself into the overweight Afrikaans cultural icon, “the second record is make or break time,” shallow thrusts at first, “your braaisous is not selling that well, we need to pump up the Afrikaans nationalist angle.”

“But why must we do it here?” whined Jack, his eyes wandering over the decomposing deck chairs that littered the lawn in front of the trailer. On them lounged glamour models, carefully de-toothed and krommed-up, some heavy with the next generation of electro-zef-Bellville sensations.

“AUTHENTICITY!” roared the Patriarch, hips pumping, gold brewing in the balls, “Remember Ninja, the bastard went full retard, shitty tattoos and all, and made millions. Never underestimate the value of image, my son. It’s what made you.”

Jack swallowed the bitter truth, recalling the hated cap, the one with the oversized lid. He was sweating now.

“We’ll need something controversial, like, like…” the Patriarch paused, “Afrikaans is dood! We’ll fly that confused-Afrikaans-identity flag high. Maybe we’ll get David Kramer in on a track, the man puts out like no-one else and who can doubt his roots? I can hear acoustic guitar, the crackle of a fire and something really Boer. Like biltong.”
“Brilliant,” whispered Jack in awe. “I have a song too, something I’ve been working on, it’s about the unifying properties of brandy, the bond shared by drinkers…”
“Sure, sure,” the elder dismissed the younger man’s suggestion. “Do your thing, list random attributes of your subject, the places, the names, the drinks, but, my dear Jack, this record is not about you. No matter how much I expel into you, your act is only paper thin,” when in heat, the Patriarch tended towards the brutal, “and it is time for the family to step in.”

“But I don’t want to be a leech, I am my own artist!” objected Jack.

“Shut your mouth, ungrateful upstart,” the Patriarch thrust hard. Francois whimpered. “Without us, without your brothers,” he patted the rock n roller’s glistening back, “you are nothing. We’ll need to be strategic. Electro must feature heavily, so we can get your ass into Assembly gigs, that’s where the money is. I’m thinking, lay that illiteracy you call rap over some Sibot or Haezer beats. Yes, yes. And maybe get in with those freaks from P.H.fat, they’re trending.”

“But they use words I can’t understand…” Parow put up feeble resistance, but knew the wisdom of the Patriarch’s words. A record riding on the styles of others made perfect sense and who was he to dispute it. Such were the ways of this place, nesting lazily under the crooked and fading sign, ‘Olympus Caravan Park’.

“We’ll get Gazelle too, lend you that African flavour, so you can prance around overseas, ‘a real South African export’ the headlines will say.” The Patriarch was truly in his groove, manifesting hits, one after another. “It will have the catchiest chorus, maybe something Bollywood-themed? Perhaps. Then we’ll show off your emotional side, something concerned, moving… Pierre Greef! His nasal boredom will be needed. A masturbation anthem for the meisies, it will be! That reminds me, send Pierre in after we’re done here, he is overdue for a session.”

Jack knew better than to interrupt the Patriarch’s flow and jotted it all down. The elder did his best work while in Francois.

“Consolidation is needed too,” puffed the wise man. “Rewrite… what was that single of yours? ‘Cooler As Ekke’? Something about you being the shit. If you tell them so, they will believe it. Francois,” he yanked the singer by the hair, arching his back, the flab wobbling, “I take it you will have no problem re-hashing ‘DansDansDans’? Should be piss easy, keep the formula the same, maths never fails.”

Francois moaned in response, already close to orgasming out the future colab hit. Jack grinned, success was assured.

“Oh yesss… it will be good, fuuuuck!” The Patriarch finally ejaculated, fame-bringing seed filling up Van Coke’s derriere. “You’ll go platinum, the reviews will sing your praise, the dancefloors will shake.” The elder was pleased, “and the press releases will lie: South Africa’s dangerous, romantic rapper, Jack Parow…”

Jack Parow - Clouds

jack Parow - Octopus

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RESPONSES (76)
  1. Anonymous says:

    hey max,hou op n poes gesig wees,as jy in hol genaai will word,se net so ipv om jou homo erotic kak op n webwerf te sit.daars baie kak musiek daar buite,maar jy seker glo dis beter

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  2. pelsjas says:

    FUUUUCK. me. this is top-notch, home-run material! I salute you.

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  3. Sancho says:

    @Anon, you can’t review a filthy record in a non filthy way I guess? Kak funny

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  4. Brett says:

    Max, you need to write more erotic fiction. You’re a little too good at it. Don’t know if I should pass out around you. Haha. Anyway I don’t think either musicians dissed here are that bad, there are a hundred other SA musicians I’d imagine getting pomped in the rear before them, but damn do you know how to write descriptive anal sex stories.

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  5. pelsjas says:

    @anon. jou kommentaar wys dan nou juis dat dit bo-oor jou holnaai kop gegaan het. ek stel voor: Google Translate.

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  6. Elisma says:

    Jirre!

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  7. Brian Green says:

    Can someone translate the above comment for me? Not being from Parow, I couldn’t be bothered to try fully understand it, but at a glance, it would seem someone’s taken offence to an excellent (and justified – because seriously, these bands of a certain ilk, who play so heavily on a geographical gimmick, should fucking die) review.

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  8. A says:

    This, while being extremely childish, is pretty disgusting. It’s not funny, it’s not a review and it really has no point. Have a little fellow human respect.

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  9. Luke says:

    ah yes. jack parow and respect. peas in a pod right?

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  10. Rrr says:

    Whether he still drinks Klippies,
    or if he now shmaaks Peroni,
    That ou Jack Parow is a 1-trick pony.

    Slinging Hunters Dry on the telly, Jack? Why not sell mops for Verimark, chips for Lays, maybe a brand of Jack Parow Boerewors for Checkers?

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  11. md says:

    interesting anal-ogy…

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  12. md says:

    cool track tho… dig his flow… B-)

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  13. ray romano says:

    max.
    … no words.
    fuck.
    🙂

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  14. Pascal says:

    I bet you thought you were super smart when you thought up the sodomy-angle. Pity other people had to read it…..

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  15. Anonymous says:

    no such thing as bad publicity

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  16. Christ Power! says:

    Awesome! At least Parow will stop pissing on the very essence of Hip Hop and go fuck up the Electro scene. This “Zef” fad seriously needs to fucking die!

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  17. Nadine says:

    You do know that Biscuits & Biltong is actually a cover of Kramer’s Weskus Klong, right? The song and the idea that it should “feature” David Kramer certainly did not spring from the no-doubt genious musings and fancies of the “Patriarch”.

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  18. 808 says:

    I agree with Luke. Get over yourselves.

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  19. jojo says:

    Parow will take it the way he gives it, but pulling Kramer in shows either your ignorance or bad taste.

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  20. Clifford says:

    Excellently written. Really brilliant. But it’s sad that you hurt human beings to gain your success. And even sadder that you won’t see what’s wrong with that.

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  21. react says:

    Love the Article
    Hate the Haters

    “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”

    Fame vs Art

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  22. margarita says:

    so far everyone seems very uncomfortable with sodomy and incest, and yet no one is making a argument in defense of parow’s credibility as an artist. could it be that you all know Max is actually right?

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  23. JP says:

    Parow! Pappa wag vir jou

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  24. the ginger dutchman says:

    max, i really cannot decide if you win or i win on this one.

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  25. Tyrion Lannister says:

    @Nadine

    “You do know that Biscuits & Biltong is actually a cover of Kramer’s Weskus Klong, right? The song and the idea that it should “feature” David Kramer certainly did not spring from the no-doubt genious musings and fancies of the “Patriarch”.

    Exactly – you prove Max’s point perfectly. Kramer has credibility as an artist. Parrow does not. Therefore he has to ride on the authenticity/credibility of someone else in order to attempt to bolster his own.

    Max – great article/review. Pity most will not understand what you are saying….

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  26. JP says:

    Recognize the title Maximus

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  27. JP says:

    PAROW PAPPA WAG VIR JOU

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  28. Waldude says:

    Max this was written well and intelligent, so much more behind it than most will understand. Well done chap. I like and know everybody that you wrote about, but fuck man let’s not be bias your righting is fucking amazing! Keep these kind of reviews, flowing you might take over jacks record deal and the patriarch might stick you one too, you win either way

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  29. brandon says:

    The cry ‘most will not understand what you are saying’ is self-congratulatory cuttlefish to the hipster budgies…

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  30. wolf says:

    Fight jealousy with wit?

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  31. JohhnyNutteloos says:

    Good God!

    What a review.
    And so true – seeing as only the colabs on the album are worth listening to, if you really HAVE to listen to it. Wich is quite a kak thing.

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  32. His friends from Benoni says:

    Look I have to agree with the so called “Haters” on this. The angle approached with your style of writing is tasteless, and could have been received in a more effective way, say for instance by depicting a scenario of jack and the “Patriarch” sitting on a porch, talking about building a musical empire by relating to the history of the Afrikaans music scene.

    Fact of the matter remains that the so called zef scene has made its mark in the countries musical scene, it is unfortunate and makes us look like a bunch of idiots on an international scale, but regardless of the social limelight of stupidity we infringed on ourselves (Mostly coming from the Afrikaans Dutchman stereotype), it is still a music scene that brings its own entertainment value.

    In my opinion Jack trumps other artist like die antwoord senselessly, die antwoord is nothing but a severe case of last resort sell-out. Before die antwoord came to be there was actually musical validity to Max normal and his music, and i grew up listening to him, back then his stuff was great and had a valid story to tell through his music, now it’s a bunch of “common” lines thrown together with a wash out image.

    I have to give the man credit though for finally getting what he longed for, sure it came at the price of lowering standards and conforming to meet a demand that the market obviously had. They made it big and they did it in an incredible way.

    Jack is no different than bands like Fokof, musically they are worlds apart and fokof has an incredibly captivating influence on its listeners, but they took just as much heat as any other Afrikaans artist that have come to be, take Steve Hofmeir for instance a guy that is now known for being like Sasol “having a pomp in every town”.

    I mean where there is music there will be judgement, to be honest i feel the biggest problem with the Afrikaans scene is the Afrikaners ignorance, it’s a typical case of primitive mentality of what i don’t understand i have to knock.

    If you don’t like it that doesn’t make it evil, if you don’t like it that doesn’t make it shit, if you don’t like it don’t listen to it!

    Jack parrow is an artist that brings a sense of humour to a nation. I’ve met the guy on a night off when he was just sitting by himself, chilled, with no intention but just to chill, and to be honest he is nothing like the front he keeps through his music.

    People tend to discard the importance of an image, and how you aren’t always your image. when you wake up from an insane night of partying and you look like shit walking in to the garage down the road for a sachet of Panado, are you that wash out image you are portraying?, simply put, no you’re not.

    Although i value reviews because they bring validity to an artist and an artist is only as strong as his fan base. I think that this was just a bit off the target, it sounds more like an unintelligent bantering of your personal hate for his music, and being bios defeats the object of being a critic.

    So maybe you’re not as good as writing a review as you think you are or maybe you’re just not able to give constructive criticism, either way ill vouch for Jack on this as i know the word of the people for an artist is important, and a review on things could possibly lead to consideration and possible improvement.

    Your article offers him nothing of the sorts, except that maybe he will feel like you have a bit of a fantasy of him as i feel the “Patriarch” is really an alter ego of yourself.

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  33. Luke says:

    holy fucking tl;dr

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  34. Whatev says:

    This is garbage!

    Bill Hicks did the suck satan’s cock vibe in his act.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtiCkm64JSY

    The difference between Bill and Max is that Bill wasnt a dick. Bill’s commentry came from a true hatred of shitty early 90’s one hit wonders. Max didnt really say much about the music. It sounds more like he hates the guys. Did they somehow hurt you Max? maybe fucked your girl or did’nt talk to you after a gig.

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  35. his girl says:

    @whatev don’t insult me.

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  36. pedro de pacas says:

    max you are slipping. although this was one of your more coherent recent works… not a review, and not much of a critique either.

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  37. die polony van benoni says:

    “….say for instance by depicting a scenario of jack and the “Patriarch” sitting on a porch, talking about building a musical empire by relating to the history of the Afrikaans music scene.”

    You’re kidding, right??

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  38. His friends from Benoni says:

    No …. No I’m not, there is a lot of flavour behind the scene, not all of it is great but there is some great music that has come from it.

    On a side note, there are people bitching about the “zef” scene….. What about idiots like dowwe dolla and Patricia Louw? I think their angle was vanes with nostalgia, i would rather listen to Jack Parrow for an eternity then have to swallow the shit dowwe dolla comes up with!

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  39. Anonymous says:

    stop trying to force neo-phallic symbolism in a post-textual society. lol.

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  40. His friends from Benoni says:

    lol @ Anon

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  41. J says:

    brilliant. brilliant. brilliant. brilliant. brilliant. brilliant. brilliant. brilliant. brilliant.
    thank god someone’s finally addressing the elephant in the room.

    such a pity that the “bellville electro” scene is what the fokofpolisiekar “revolution” led to in the end…

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  42. react says:

    What ‘came’ before zef? some wholesome nostalgic SA rock… yay!
    I are rather a zef…

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  43. zero says:

    Hey benoni, if you want to write for Mahala, they accept submissions. Otherwise you’re just being a long winded fuck.

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  44. The Dude says:

    It is getting pretty hot in here, I wonder if a Hunters will help?

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  45. Rrr says:

    @the dude: one sip of a Hunters, weg is die pyn!

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  46. poes says:

    @the dude you mean Hunter(s) Kennedy right? hater will hate potatoes will potate… well done max

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  47. TTT says:

    Max normal kalashnikov splitting the demonised soul of the luciferic artist… fukkin poetic to read a bit of cynical insider undertable dealing on the green felt po po po poker face table!
    the comments face flattering too

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  48. Dieter says:

    Have anyone listened to the song “Chaos” on Van Coke Kartel’s album, feat. Jack Parow. That got to be the best song currently in SA.

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  49. CFK says:

    Congratulations to everyone who has fueled Max’s outrageous ego by reading and responding to this so-called article. I can just see him sitting in a darkened room jerking off to every comment made on this piece of sensationalist garbage. As sacrilegious as the comparison is (and the attempt at generating such a comparison is all too clear in the style of all of Max’s writing), Hunter S. Thompson must be rolling in his grave. Wake up! The only reason Max is allowed to continue writing gratuitously self-indulgent crap in place of actual reviews on a public forum such as Mahala (in the culture section, nogal!) is because he generates a kind of morbid fascination by writing in this way.

    This is not journalism, and it’s certainly not literature. We are all masturbatory aids for Max’s throbbing sense of misguided talent! There are so many real writers who could be providing so much better content in his place if we could but clear the air of such self-gratifying smut. The man clearly needs his own corner of the internet to wank (I mean, write) in, and he has the right to it. Mahala is simply not the place.

    The only thing that saddens me more than this kind of writing is the irony that in responding to it, I too have become just another sex toy. Fuck me, Max, but fuck you too.

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  50. Max says:

    Dear gentlemen and ladies

    Styles and hate aside, I am yet to hear a single coherent argument in favour of Mr. Parow as an artist. Until then, ill keep joyously masturbating in my dark corner. Much love x

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  51. Cheers for that says:

    @CFK You’re a masturbatory aid. As in right now. fap fap fap.

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  52. Cheers for that says:

    Also, on a side note, I vote mahala tracks and hands out the IP address of anyone who mentions Hunter S. Thompson in comparison to a mahala piece, so we can all go beat them to fleshy death. You fuckers have never read anything beyond Fear and Loathing, if you’ve even read that.

    P.S Jack Parow’s schtick is tired. Bittereinder left him in the dust ages ago.

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  53. Johan Swarts says:

    I am yet to hear a single coherent argument in favour of Mr. Parow as an artist.

    En wat is ‘n arties nogal?

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  54. The Scoundrel Christ says:

    Gotd. No one is going to get famous from commenting so why the fucking hate. Give Parow some credit. He is making money, paying bills by doing what he digs. How many of the common – taters here can spew that much. Sure some of his tracks are lank kak but then again some are pretty well produced and well smithed – lyrically. Parow is an act not a fucking musician and he knows how to play the crowd.

    As for the review. Great. absolutely 3rd degree kiefness.

    I don’t think the press releases are lying though. They are pressing this shit for what it’s worth.

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  55. Mal Oom says:

    Parow se bun is in die oond. ek wonder wat Parow sy laatjie gaan noem..

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  56. Gord Laws says:

    This is a brilliantly written piece. Respect to Max for spinning a magical yarn…

    That said, I completely disagree with the sentiment. In my opinion (and, since that’s what comments are for, I’m entitled to one) both Fran and Zan are great dudes, amking fantastic, honest music.

    I really like this album. Even more than the last. Especially the one with Francois on it, as it happens…

    Great piece though. A pleasure to read. Respect.

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  57. ShlongDong says:

    Must agree with whoever mentioned Bittereinder, they’re busy destroying every zef rap or whatever you want to define kak genre with what they’re doing, one of the best intelligent acts in this country and definitely worth a Mahala piece. Oh, and whiners, go and listen to Botch and shut the fuck up.

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  58. Samora says:

    On point! I remember kinder garden emcees that would have burned Jack Parrow, fucking candy wrapper.

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  59. Anonymous says:

    love it..

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  60. JPG says:

    jissis bra..harsh much?

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  61. Mamadome says:

    The irony of (most of) the dumbass ‘take-ourselves-so-seriously’ comments here is that, knowing Zander and Francois, they would both have pissed themselves laughing at the article.

    This is neither a review nor a vindictive stab at the Afrikaans culture. An article like this could have been written about dozens of other confused cultural identities in SA. We are ALL a little fucked up in our own way.

    No, this is simply an irreverent and – I’m sorry haters – a very funny analogy of some of the inner soul-searching and outer debates that are often discussed at braais from Bellville to Brakpan. Loosen up jollers, a sense of humour never killed anybody.

    I know Max would have really enjoyed writing this article, but can’t shake the feeling that while he was doing so, he couldn’t help wondering what Jack would be like in bed…..

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  62. geep says:

    Sjoe, max, and you make a living off this?

    Andy is wasting his money on you.

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  63. Emil says:

    “Se vir ma ek’s nou daar.”

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  64. Anonymous says:

    Too lazy to read all the comments but what an awesome article, thanks a lot dude. As someone who makes music that isnt afrikaans heep hop, electro-kak or shitty acoustic afrikaans folk this is so true. Respect.

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  65. Anonymous says:

    seems like someone got taken from behind and needs to talk about it. Konnie eers die kak klaar lees nie.

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  66. Fuckface says:

    The Cape Town trendies and hipsters are such a pain in the ass – they are so pretentious, and this so-called piece of “writing” shows why – no substance, no meaning. Just a lot of self indulgent crap. And Mahala seems to be the place where all these hipsters and trendies and pseudo-intellectuals love to hang out. YAWN.

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  67. Anonymous says:

    Hey max, jou gesig is af bra, en mense lag vir jou.

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  68. dirk says:

    Absolutely brilliant. You really hit the nail on the head. Great writing and proper, real insight that was well thought through. The idiots who don’t get it won’t get it. Lube it up and bend over bitches.

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  69. Gina says:

    I pity you, the green eyed monster is obviously your only friend and you can’t stand someone else’s success, at least he’s laughing all the way to the bank and have a beautiful woman by his side (with the biggest gift on earth on the way), as for you,well you’ll have to type away just to be able to pay the rent in the end of the day.
    Think everyone here feels a little bit sorry for you, you’re just the guy that thinks he’s got the power of the pen while in reality that dude is making millions.

    I can’t help but wonder if this guy maybe shagged your girlfriend or maybe your mommy.
    Chill out dude. We all know you want to be him.

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  70. Fred den Hartog says:

    Haha.

    Gina, you couldnt be more right.

    This max oke must be a loser.

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  71. shaaaaaaame says:

    still as embarassingly, terribly written as it was nearly a year ago. what a spectacular fail.

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  72. Hanno says:

    I have my reservations on Jack’s music and act, but this article is just undiluted horse shit. Its even more pathetic than the prequel. Such a harsh critic for someone that has never achieved anything of creative substance. Ive never come across an article by Max Barashenkov that has any value whatsoever. This will be the last Mahala article I ever read. Your a cunt Max. Stop writing.

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  73. WTF says:

    Jack Parrow can be pretty funny. Unlike this tasteless arsetickle.

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  74. Mugabe says:

    This is the biggest steaming pile of shit I’ve ever read. It made no sense. It was all over the place. Very hard to read. I couldn’t even get to the end. This is not a fucking review. Not even close.

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  75. JZ says:

    Art? It’s not meant to be art. The majority of music listeners are fucking idiots. If you want to ‘make it’ and/or make some money in the industry you HAVE to play to the majority…i.e. the fucking idiots.

    It’s business, people. Business and money. Wake up, art-loving hipsters, no one is trying to impress you. If they wanted to they could, by not selling out, and therefore, making no money which is necessary to live. The end.

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