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Hello Weenies

Hello Weenies

by Montle Moorosi, images by Justin McGee / 09.11.2009

Question: Since when do South Africans celebrate Halloween? When people were asking me what I’m doing for Halloween the week before, I was morbidly astounded. I was like what are you doing for Kwanza? 4th of July maybe? Do you celebrate menopause by any chance? Die Antwoord was headlining, I saw them once in Pretoria and I was seriously scared for my life, a lynching looked imminent. Call me racist but whenever I hear Afrikaans and it’s not spoken by a coloured guy I just start to think I’m about to be force fed piss and made to run some hurdles, or maybe even get dragged on a farm road behind a Toyota Hilux. The name Waddy Watkin Tudor Jones junior doesn’t sound too Afrikaans to me, but what do I know, I’m a Sotho guy with a fake Italian name, and my friend Neil has a Nathaniel cook book in his living room.

James Bong and Co.

Drugs don’t only ruin lives, they make black guys like this actually believe that they have a chance with white girls who don’t have dreadlocks and wear sandals and brown capri pants. The guy in the bow tie has probably made out with a mulatto once, and that’s the closest thing to a white woman he will ever see.

Mr and Mrs Jones

Whoa! if you look close you can almost see his wife’s titties, she’s wearing a leopard print bra. Nice. I hope I don’t get murdered. Is that Kelly Osbourne in the audience? Or is that an overweight leprechaun? A card in her hat? What is this, The Wizard of Oz? What’s really good?

Yolandi Floored

Aw baby now youre just teasing! stop it i like it!

Hate

This is why I hate Halloween.

Bianca

I hope Clinton can forgive me, but as you’ve noticed I have a thing for married women, but when it comes to me and Bianca Miles, we go way back, like that guy in the jungle who had sex with a monkey and started the Aids pandemic. I used to be in love with Bianca, I used to watch her on Basic all the time, scheming of ways to become famous qucikly so I could buy her a yacht. I never thought about her when I masturbated because I loved and respected her too much, and then I went and started dating Kelly Khumalo and forgot all about her in a minute.

Bitch Please

Bitch please, you ain’t making no dough like me, and besides, you only pull Johns, and spread eagle is so 90’s, what you know about a squatting flamingo, bitch!?

A South African Halloween

A South African Halloween would not be complete without at least one murder or a rape or two. Isn’t this the same guy who killed Chris Hani and FW De Kleks wife?

Hot Pot

Perhaps this is not so PC, but I think all she’s missing is to be boiling in a hot pot with a bone through her nose.

The Cardinal

I don’t know why, and this is probably the dodgiest thing I’ve ever said but this guy radiates positive vibes.

French Maids

A week ago this would have turned me on, now this just reminds me how really cheesy white people can get. I know it’s Halloween but by the looks on these girls faces they actually think they’re sexy French maids, guess what? You’re from Parys.

This Guy

If only all of mankind was like this guy then there wouldn’t be fucked up shit like Aids and car guards.

Blue Girl

I dont know why but a week ago I thought this picture was retarded, but now I think I’m in love again, having sex with a blue woman is what I imagine going down on E.T. must feel like, or eating an ice cream in the shower.

Kak Dodgy

He’s white, fat, gay, dresses badly and clearly poor. His father must be a a hybrid between a Zulu Boy George and a half eaten chip and mayo sandwhich.

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RESPONSES (37)
  1. cheap wine says:

    PPEOPLE DEAD!

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  2. Clinton Marius says:

    shame, does this commentator not have even one shred of humour in him? nothing seems to meet with his approval.

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  3. blcklee says:

    going through the article and I NOTICED one thing its all white people in the pics except for montle and JR
    Its says alot

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  4. montle says:

    i hate black people, fucking narrow minded baboons. and i hate life in general, and i hate you…i hate my life…fuck son, i got cancer and shit.

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  5. Paul says:

    Haha, I love these picture essays! Keep it up.

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  6. Doctor L. says:

    Damn, Waddy’s wifey go hard as a motherfucker.

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  7. Tomas says:

    Yo Montle,

    Please just release one novel or something before you commit suicide

    That’s all

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  8. Andy says:

    Thanks Paul, we’ll keep doing our thing.

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  9. O-dog says:

    Waddy is a motherfucker

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  10. Nck says:

    I can see you’re trying really hard to be like Vice, and you’ve got all the elements there – photos of people you think are hipsters (oooh bad word), weird costumes and snarky, derogatory captions – but honestly it just comes off as terribly amateur and genuinely unfunny (you know, to those people who don’t automatically equate cynicism with coolness.)

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  11. Andy says:

    When you say “you” are you referring to Montle or Mahala? Because, while I’d still argue that you’re wrong and that Montle is just being Montle and not trying to be like anyone, or anything – I can see why you might suffer under the delusion that his style is reminiscent of Vice, and the argument would be interesting.

    However, if you were referring to Mahala as “trying really hard to be like Vice,” I’d unequivocally and most vociferously insist that there can be no comparison.

    So [rolls up his sleeves], care to clarify?

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  12. montle says:

    only thing vice and mahala have in common is that theyre both cheap cunts.
    I steal my style from shwashi..get it right, Kuli Roberts is my

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  13. montle says:

    ROLE MODEL

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  14. Monsieur Polk says:

    OK, so Montle is not exactly the future… nor is he the past, he is however very much the right now. One of several billion right nows actually… So what is it with too much choice and people narrowing it down to choosing exactly what annoys them the most… nick..? Got an answer there chum?

    vice/mahala…? I wonder why you need some other different standard to validate your own. Vice doesn’t reference Mahala when they do their thing (though they should), so why should you…just love to hate Mahala on your own terms for a change, bet it scares you shitless doesn’t it… neh nick

    Yo and JR (is it?) looks like Ron Jeremy…IMJUSTSAYIN

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  15. stir it up says:

    Has vice done anything more than syndicate foreign articles? Are they even allowed to do their own Do’s and Don’ts?

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  16. JT says:

    Andy – Vice used to be kif and now its kak but it had the right idea and so do you so do you, so relax.
    At least Montle values a good time unlike some of the sanctimonious social theorist poephols who pop up on some of your other articles.

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  17. Andy says:

    I was just about to start defending those sanctimonious poephols

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  18. cheap wine says:

    does everything need an analysis? why cant it just be what it is?

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  19. brandon edmonds says:

    ‘…sanctimonious social theorist poephols’ – how very dare you! your IP address has been noted mindless libertine and you’ll be up against the ‘death to joy’ wall when the rev-oh-loo-shun comes!

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  20. G says:

    saying fuck and cunt endlessly doesn’t make someone funny, nor interesting. Montle, funny at first, now just the same old same old.

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  21. Nck says:

    Monsieur Polk: I’ve tried very hard, but I actually have no idea what you’re trying to say at all. I’m not being dismissive or an asshole, I just don’t get it. Sorry.

    Andy: I dunno, Montle seems like a cool guy and stuff, but the whole “go to a party or a gig and take pictures of people and then make bad psuedo-racist cynical judgments about them on the Internet” is really overdone. In my view, every caption reads like a Vice Do/Don’t, and the Do/Don’t section has been one of the most quintessential parts of Vice for years. Therefore I think this is in a style that’s reminiscent of Vice (the international one, of course. The local one is only just beginning to create local content, as far as I’ve been told.) And that’s not saying that Vice is mindblowingly amazing and should never be messed with or anything, in fact I think it’s quite average. But that style is very codified, and it bums me out when I see writers (unknowingly or not) revert to that particular style of easy buzzkill.

    As such, Mahala won’t seem like Vice unless they keep publishing this sort of thing.

    I’m not trying to be cynical, I just don’t find it very funny or original, which I think was the point of the whole thing, ja?

    And dude, Kuli Roberts is your role model? Amazing.

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  22. montle says:

    kuli roberts is south africas answer to william faulkner.

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  23. ook'nrassis says:

    Call me racist but whenever I hear Zulu and it’s not spoken by my teacher I just start to think I’m about to be robbed and raped, or maybe even get tortured and executed on a farm road behind my Toyota Hilux.

    See what I did there? Clever, huh?

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  24. Tomas says:

    kaffir boer soutie kaffir boer soutie kaffir boer soutie kaffir boer soutie kaffir boer soutie kaffir boer soutie kaffir boer soutie

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  25. Andy says:

    Tomas, I thought long and hard about deleting your post. I get what you’re trying to say – and ook’nrassis could be blamed for trying to turn this into a race-war. But the word Kaffir has far more gravitas and negative-intentionality than either boer or soutie. So you’re way out of line there. And as for ook’nrassis – you can’t just knee-jerk react to Montle’s comment about how he feels when he hears an Afrikaans accent. That’s a) his opinion, b) spoken in jest and c) an attempt to make light of years of oppression, abuse and disgusting behaviour towards one another. It’s an appropriation of that history. Much like the use of the word “nigga”. I mean South Africa is one of the only places where friends can rip each other off for being “darkies”, “mlungus”, “charos”, “jewboys”, “rockspaaiders” etc etc. And that’s the perspective Montle is coming from.
    And I think it’s a necessary step towards integration, to reference our disgusting history of abusing one another in jest (many a true word et al) – and then we can move on without pretending to sweep that shit under the carpet. However if dumbass, lowest common denominators like ook’nrassis pile in and demote the debate into the old mudslinging race-war, then we’re not going to get anywhere. Ever.

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  26. ICEDOCTOR says:

    “Drugs don’t only ruin lives, they make black guys like this actually believe that they have a chance with white girls “…..PRICELESS!!!!!!

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  27. ook'nrassis says:

    Andy –
    The point I tried to make is that I, too, could go off a tangent and extrapolate from Halloween to racist ranting. So yes, I agree that debate is better than cheap shots.

    Regarding Die Antwoord — they’re jumping on the ‘sooo uncool it’s cool’ bandwagon – doing their white-trash redneck parow/bellville afrikaner act. They did something similar with the Max Normal.tv / GMSA thing.

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  28. Petunia Peach says:

    Montle Moorosi… are you Julius Malema? Otherwise surely someone who looks up to him and acts like him…

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  29. Tomas says:

    Andy, I get what you mean with the whole gravity thing.

    Perhaps the k-bomb is a way heavier word than the other two I pidgeon-holed it with, but then again, you could say it’s a very subjective thing. I mean, it’s natural that the word insulting the majority would be deemed as more offensive – there are more people who will complain about it.

    But you’re right, that wasn’t my point. Neither was joining the race-war.

    I was just pointing out – mostly to myself – the absurdity of it all. People take themselves way too seriously. They choose to sweep an issue under the carpet – like you said – rather than dealing with it. Because only then will they realise that there really is nothing to be making a big scene about. Or maybe it’s just me.

    In the performing arts there’s a term catharsis. Not only is it a cool word, but its meaning is sublime.

    Keep hating Montle, because we love it.

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  30. roya says:

    ‘a chance with white girls who don’t have dreadlocks and wear sandals and brown capri pants.’

    Montle YOU ARE MY HERO

    add me on FB

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  31. montle says:

    i love being compared to julius, he’s famous. thanks Tomas, and Thanks to roya, see on fb.

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  32. colonol harland sanders says:

    montle, as good as ever, as usual.
    nice

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  33. Petunia Peach says:

    haha @ Montle – he (Julius “Mal”ema) is famous for being a stupid handpuppet… but if it works for you and you love being compared to it… then lead/follow the ANCYL sheeps to the slaughter house.

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  34. dorin says:

    catharsis. good word. is that what’s going on here, subconsciously or otheriwse? either way, the captions and photos are funny whatver the motivations.

    as for the word kaffir, it could be that the black population of the US underminded their history of racism by taking ownership of a derogatory term and claiming ownership of it. they’re in the process of removing the hate and vitriol associated with being called a nigga. It took them a couple hundred years to do so, I wonder how long it will take us to do the same.

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  35. Andy says:

    Do you mean “undermined”? Because I don’t think the appropriation of the word “nigga” did that. More like what you said about removing the vitriol and hate…

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  36. ThingFish says:

    I am disappointed in the racist comments in this article. I am a white South African and it’s no wonder the blacks hate us when racist arseholes like you make stupid racist comments like those accompanying the photo picturing some white girls and black guys at a party. For your info mate…there’s lots of black guys scoring with white chicks and lots of white chicks who like black guys. Just because no one wants you and you can’t score a chick(or maybe you are homo)
    It’s idiots like you with racist comments like that who are responsible for a lot of black on white violence. You still live in your fucking pre- apartheid mindset. You are a clot.

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  37. Kremlin says:

    Wow this party really rocks as it seems!!! Wish i was there folks! Is that yolandi always as crazy as that??? She’s hot! 🙂 You should send the pictures to the fansite @ http://www.dieantwoordzeflings.com Die antwoord is POES COOL!!!!

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