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DARLING, YOU’RE NOT THAT MAINSTREAM

by Scone Malone / Images by Candice Chaplin / 12.10.2015

Sometimes the well-kept buttocks of a female human being are something of a special occasion.

I’m sure she has done her masters thesis on phytoplankton or functional magnetic resonance imaging or something I can only blag my way around. I’m sure she has an extremely complex life story and has planted many trees. She might have the wit of Oscar Wilde, the spirit of Steve Biko, the theoretic insights of Richard Feynman, the appreciation of the subtleties of life of Lao Tzu and/or the heart of Mother Theresa, but on Sunday as she was floating on her lilo in the middle of the dam, all I had to go by was her extra ordinary perky bottom.

I’m not the kind of guy who walks around a party wearing nothing but trunks, and so I was never going to swim out to meet her. That, coupled with the fact that staring is rude, means I actually have no idea how old she is, and that could make this whole thing very creepy. And seeing as though I am in a fairly monogamous relationship with the (loveliest) photographer of this piece, let’s not make this a story about the shape of some person’s bum cheeks.

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The thing is, it has long been known by mankind that a day spent by the lake with a group of happy people is generally a fine day. Whether you have an appreciation for posteriors or not, there is something about sun and water that makes the fun more fun. And ‘Sunday Funday’ at the beach bar of Rocking The Daisies has become a bit of an institution. When the weather turns out just right, like it has for the last couple of years, it really is the place to be if you are into having a little skop and a laugh.

Fortunately this year I had forgotten my shades back in Cape Town and was thus forced to go foraging the main festival grounds for something to shield the uncompromising light from divulging my crusty red eyes to the crowd. The sweltering midday sun was winning the battle. Until the unmistakable sounds of one of Cape Town’s greatest live acts started filtering through the warm air into my soggy brain. What a fortuitous expedition!

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Al Bairre.

There on the Main Stage was the usually-eight-but-now-thirteen piece power house that us plebeians known as The Rudimentals. After the release of their new single ‘Rudeboy Styles’ they seem to have reached a new level of confidence and I can honestly say this was the most thumping gig I have witnessed in months. There was space for the crowd to move as the sun-broken hoards had made the traditional early morning exodus and the majority of the remaining people were basking on the artificial beach. The sound was exceptional and the energy remarkable; a 10/10 performance from start to finish.

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The Rudimentals

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And this got me thinking. A lot of people these days are faffing about RTD being too mainstream and that it should be left to the kids and the jocks. I beg to differ. Firstly, what kind of a hipster purist do you have to be not to want to see The Cat Empire? For most of us it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, and if you’ve been jamming to their eponymous album for over a decade you don’t really want to defend liking them to some guy who seems to be dressed as a fucking lunch lady, with at least three colours in his beard and the attitude of a guard-poodle in the gardens of Versailles. Daisies can afford to bring massive headliners, and at this furthest tip of Africa from most of these peoples’ tour routes we should appreciate what comes our way. (This is not to say I give half a toss about the majority of things Big Concerts brings us but one shouldn’t bitch at people about it.)

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The Kooks

Secondly, a massive portion of the great South African musos of the last 10 years have at some point adorned a stage at Daisies, and it has become a showcase of up-and-coming talent, a real notch in the belt for some of the folks. And rightly so, the production is world class meaning not only that the performers get to really strut their stuff, but also that you as a festival goer get to see our local acts in the best plausible light.

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Milky Chance

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Bongeziwe Mabandla

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Jack Parow

Thirdly, there is so much variety. If you can really tell me that Felix Laband, The Brother Moves On, Bateleur, Alice Phoebe Lou, Wild Lettuce etc. aren’t fresh as begonias, I am clearly missing the point these days. You have a multitude of stages to visit; besides all the rock ‘n roll, EDM, folk and other madness that you’d expect, there are kak funny comedy acts like Dylan Skews, Gino Fernandez, Deep Fried Man, Mum-z, Kurt Langeveld… Even Schalk Bezuidenhout showed up with his glorious upper lip.

Fourthly (that sounds stupid but I’ll carry on), the Hemp Stage/Headspaza/Greenpop area has an amazing community vibe that is hard to describe – super mellow AfrikaBurn theme camp meets reggae fest meets a guided meditation zone with a few people playing with hula hoops for ambient stimulus. There is a sense of conscious partying in the air, with insightful speakers, TEDx Talks and you could even go trade in ‘eco bricks’ – your plastic trash stuffed into a plastic bottle – for shots of tequila. Something very unpretentious about it all.

Hemp/Greenpop Stage

Hemp/Greenpop Stage

In the end, I must admit I was also a bit hesitant before going up to Darling this year, I too sometimes being what some would describe as a stuck-up ponce. But what I remembered was that such a huge festival provides ample entertainment no matter what sort of party you are looking for. Even without the world class music, just watching the crowd is enough to make you laugh/cry yourself to sleep for days afterward. Irrespective of how you feel about that young lady’s fine derrière.

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Images © Candice Chaplin

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RESPONSES (21)
  1. Yaa no says:

    Thing is… when you write about something ans then say you don’t wanna make your piece about that thing, you kinda made it about that thing. Also… casual sexist bile with a side order of sarcy antagonism may work at PUA seminars doesn’t sit well as ‘journalism’ – if that’s what you were going for. One more thing: What’s a “fairly monogamous relationship”? Surely it is monogamous or it isn’t?

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  2. Why so serious? says:

    I don’t think this is meant to be taken seriously. It’s clearly a bit tongue in cheeck, mean his lady (if that is even a real thing) is obviously going to read this..

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  3. George says:

    Dude, it’s 2015, grow up. Why did you insist on using some woman’s ‘ass’ as the theme? Is it that difficult to just write a mature goddamn review of a festival for once? I can see your pretentious, indignant response already. “But it’s just a joke, it’s freedom of press!” No, it’s not. It’s misogynist bullshit and has no relevance to a music festival whatsoever. Also, I think about 20 000 people attended, that’s pretty mainstream if you ask me.

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  4. Pretty gross, guys. says:

    This sort of shit is the reason no one bothers with Mahala anymore except to read Hugh. Do better. I know there’s an editor out there somewhere who should have caught this.

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  5. Kropotkin says:

    A picture of the bum in question might have helped…. take it easy its almost Dezemba guys

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  6. Whatnobum? says:

    Seriously though, all that song and dance about a derriere, yet…no derriere?

    Kropotkin be right: I can see why people don’t watch this station anylonger.

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  7. Dachshunds4life says:

    Everyone needs to simmer down. This is clearly a joke.
    There are better and more important things to whinge about.

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  8. Disco says:

    Hahaha it’s 2015, BRAH! People will whine about anything these days, thoroughly enjoyable article. Great success. George, you are the definition of mainstream BRAH 🙂

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  9. havinganallroundbeauty says:

    Cool article! I couldn’t make it this year but it sounds like it was outstanding! Funny how people don’t recognise a little tongue in cheek… you’re just saying what everyone is thinking. So all you high and mighties don’t perve over a beautiful derrière every now and then? Wait I get it- if you don’t talk about it, then it can’t be wrong right? Get. Seriously

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  10. George says:

    I love a little tongue…in cheek, don’t get me wrong, but the problem with an article like this, is the fact that it’s seen as OK to put that little joke in in the first place. Because little jokes like this hang around and are part of the collective thought regarding people’s bodies and objectification. I worked for Playboy South Africa for 2 years, so I am no prude, but in this particular instance, it was just unnecessary and, I’ll say it again, lazy ‘journalism’. You’re supposed to write about the goddamn festival, but the first line and 2 paragraphs of this article is about someone’s upper thigh muscles, and it doesn’t take the piece anywhere or even offer any really funny or fresh insight. I just hate seeing casual sexism become the norm, even if it is tongue in cheek or ‘ironic’, because that is way too easy of an excuse to just be a douchebag, BRAH.

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  11. George says:

    I can tell you’re a better writer than this, so just… don’t be lazy man. Peace.

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  12. Scone says:

    Eish. @Yaa no, George et al. Thing is, it was actually a bit of an inside joke between my girlfriend and I. Really didn’t mean to come across as some sexist doos; thought the word choice would get that across. I actually thought it was breaking down such taboos a bit – even though I’m in an exclusive relationship we can still appreciate the opposite sex and get over our insecurities, talk about it and laugh. The last sentence was a bad decision, no doubt, and I apologise unreservedly to those of you who took offence seeing the whole thing as misogynistic hegemonic tossery. There are plenty of straightforward reviews out there. I tried to turn the article into a bit of a tongue in cheek story rather than just dry journalism, but clearly I fell short of the mark of what some people want from Mahala. Next time I’ll know better and be sure to keep the advice in mind. In no way being sarcastic, not going to try defend what you guys see as offensive any further. To the rest of you, good job on spotting what I thought was obvious.

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  13. Scone says:

    PS @Kropotkin, including a photo would have been crass sexism. You wily rapscallion.

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  14. Jo says:

    From what I’ve heard there was plenty of unwanted heckling of women at this festival. This along with outright homophobic and sexist comments made to members of the lesbian community who attended. Maybe this article is meant as a “joke”, but I know of a few women who didn’t feel safe there and I’m sure this joke is lost on them. I’m glad I missed it, but hopefully the organizers can try and do something next year around to try and address these issues.

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  15. cDawg says:

    This article goes to the heart of what any male party reveller, with a semblance of a normal human disposition, will actually experience at a festival. The fact that it talks about the perkiness of a certain ass should not be a surprise, as anyone will know, party-hippie erotica is not to be fooled with. I don’t think it is too much, for opening and closing need some gusto to perk the right parts of the body. I think it gets the point across that many are wondering about: is it a good festival to go to, or has it lost it’s broad appeal. So, get the sand out of your vagina guy, pearls are made elsewhere. If you want the facts, read the economist. I think the article is great

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  16. Phil says:

    Is there something wrong with a guy expressing the perkiness of a woman’s bum? If a woman wrote about how hot some topless guys were, and the perkiness of a guys chest, there would be no problem!
    The only problem here, are the over sensitive Cape Town woman, complaining about sexist remarks because they are sexist themselves. these are probably woman who have issues with men, and instead of dealing with it themselves, like mature woman, they spit their poison on blogs like these, which are actually quite refreshing and original. Great article!

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  17. just a dude on the loo says:

    I rocked the fucking daisies, and it was euphoric as Fuck – yes i didn’t go for work i went to trip nuts think about life.

    I guess going to a festival with the intension of writing an article makes it kinda sad. Eat your mushrooms, watch the beautiful girls dance away and let the music consume your soul.

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  18. Bianca says:

    Journalism requires that you hook your reader in the first paragraph because you are likely to have lost them by the fourth.
    The first three paragraphs of this story are an objectification of a woman so I’d say you wasted your first three pars. It doesn’t matter how you intended it to come across because it doesn’t come across that way. It is not satire. Satire is ckever and makes a point about something or someone. And if you are writing about an inside joke between you and your girlfriend, and no one else gets the joke then what’s the point really?

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  19. Internet person says:

    People don’t like what you like… Call them ‘hipsters’. Because why would anyone dislike what you like? Surely they must have some pretentious agenda. No ways anyone can be THAT discerning right? It’s not enough to just make your point, you have to pre-emptively belittle those who might disagree with you.
    Seriously, no article deserves to be read beyond that fucking word.

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  20. endthisdumbsitepleez says:

    Beyond the puerile clueless sexism of the writer, it is stuff like “we should appreciate what comes our way” that really gives away the settler mindset: he’s another lame white (j)oke about as inspired and required as a dildo made of steam.

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  21. Manu says:

    That’s the thikinng of a creative mind

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