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Chuck Norris

Chuck

by Ryan Govender / 15.09.2010

Why are there no great articles on Chuck Norris that capture what makes every one of his movies a masterpiece? I am aware of the cult following he has as well as the endless jokes – but Chuck is more than that. He is the greatest action hero ever. His movies are from another world – part action and part fantasy. The best way to understand Chuck is to compare him to yourself.

Okay first off, he has ginger hair and a beard. Now you shouldn’t. No matter who you are, matching ginger facial hair is not good. But Chuck is always himself. No matter the situation or how hot the water gets – he is generally relaxed and in a good headspace. A bomb is about to go off and kill a building full of children? It’s really not a big deal. For Chuck. A few somersaults and some karate and the kids will be back home concentrating on their studies again. Consider how a crisis like that would affect you and me! Just seeing a bomb would make me cry. Screaming innocents about to explode would make me lose my mind. Chuck just doesn’t really get emotional. His personality is the same in every movie he does. And when he made his own TV series – there that personality was! Unchanged.

The only time he is ever top dog is as Walker Texas Ranger. Otherwise he’s solidly working class – always the bodyguard, soldier or all-purpose blue collar nice guy. He does this on purpose. Being a rung below the top official in his organization means Chuck can save and then outshine them in the public eye. This applies in his films even when he’s working for the President. You realize how awesome a man he is – able to defeat terrorists on his own while saving the most powerful leader in the world – and staying heroically humble.

He shines even brighter when the President is female! The movie will not end until the leading lady gets a kiss from Chuck (or gets rejected entirely by him). Chuck has class though and often makes use of his unique ability to reject a lady without making her feel bad for trying to jump his bones. There she is, a woman willing to give him anything he wants and he lets slip something profound, gently making things clear that they both have more important things to do – him more so. Important things? Like what?

Well, the average person has a fair amount of emotional preparation to do when starting a new day. We never know exactly what’s coming our way so we prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Chuck doesn’t do that. He wakes up knowing that his day is going to be filled, generally, with a great deal of violence!

Chuck Norris in Delta Force

I mean he just knows that he is going to be using karate the whole day, and he’s cool with that. He’s happy to do it. There’s nothing else he would rather be doing. Now even if a normal person was able to mostly fight during their waking hours, they would become rather weary of the attacks. But Chuck doesn’t. He could, at the touch of a pressure point, kill any one of his nemesises but he flat out refuses to kill. If he were like any one of us he would, after maybe 3 days of continuous violence, probably kill someone! Who wouldn’t eventually do it and yell: “I killed him. He is dead. Every day I fight and beat you but you keep coming back. Tomorrow if you come back I’m going to do the same to you!”
But Chuck doesn’t kill. He just enjoys neutralizing people on a daily basis.

Bringing a gun to a fight him is a waste of time. When a man is able to infiltrate a guerrilla military base and cause an evil general to commit suicide using only kicks, punches and a sleeper hold, his enemy should suspect that bullets won’t work on him. They just don’t ever hit him unless he’s wearing a bulletproof vest.

Chuck often holds firearms – but he never uses them. Sort of like Lil Wayne and guitars. Rambo and the Terminator don’t go anywhere without guns. The greatest soldier ever and a robot assassin from the future swear by firearms – but Chuck Norris doesn’t feel that vibe. He is aware he doesn’t need a weapon to save the world because he believes, so deeply, that a sharp mind is so much more dangerous than a sharp battle axe or sword (or flying bullet). He believes.

What is also interesting is the speed Chuck moves. Every character he plays is in the mid-40s. He was playing a 44 year old when he was 30 and a 45 year old 30 years later. 45 isn’t too young when it comes to physical activity but he can be 6 meters away from 3 men firing fully automatic machine guns and cover the distance while dodging the rounds and disarm the men without using a weapon of his own. That is very impressive.

The range of dangers Chuck is prepared for is truly staggering. I mean the man cannot drive his car anywhere without being tailed and if he wants to buy bread and milk at the shop there will be a fight in the parking lot. There is always the chance of another fight when he gets home too. The area between his garage and front door is more than enough for some drug addicted teens to be taught a valuable lesson by Mr. Norris. The lesson would be delivered through swift martial arts maneuvers and then a deep lecture over milk and cookies in his kitchen. That’s his way of giving back to the community. He’ll kick your criminal butt and then turn you into a model citizen in less than 90 minutes.

Add an inordinate number of sky dives, motorcycle jumps and scuba sessions. No wonder his nickname is Mr. Deltaforce.

He even uses the thumbs up. A handshake means very little anymore so Chuck doesn’t even bother to use them. When he’s very happy he will give the thumbs up. A gesture that can only be used by champions.

The ultimate proof his immaculate nature is that all of the above is normal to him. He does not compute danger or fear or evil. The neurons, cognitive patterns or poephol tension mechanisms the average human possesses are simply absent from his mind and body. He’s happy to fight crime every waking moment and he doesn’t feel it to be a heavy choice (like Batman).

My biggest fears include paper cuts, stray staples and tripping on my own shoelaces. Chuck wakes up knowing he faces militia movements, snipers, crocodiles, crooked FBI agents and arthritis without ever hitting the snooze button. Mr. Chuck Norris, to me, is the greatest action hero of them all.

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RESPONSES (10)
  1. nyet comrade says:

    Oh God, this is banal. And with phrases like “feel that vibe” it would find a better home on Seth’s website – and a better readership for that matter too.

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  2. Rocky says:

    Okay hold the fucking phone Comrade! This is special. I would FUCKING KILL to be able to write like this. Ryan Govender’s tone in this story is as South African as it gets. It is note perfect. I have no idea how he did it. It is PERFECT. This is maybe the most controlled use of irony
    and suggestion and poker faced brilliance I’ve ever read.

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  3. nyet comrade says:

    Rocky, if those are your aspirations then I’m sure there are advertsing agencies in South Africa that would FUCKING KILL to bring you on board as a copywriter.

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  4. Captain Lombard says:

    Hilarious!

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  5. Anonymous says:

    – +- 800 words that rely on the same comic device over and over again: Half-assed irony.

    It’ll help Mahala draw in the stupider crowd, though – and that’s good. It means more attention to the site, which means more money, which means more good articles (when they do rarely come along).

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  6. freddied says:

    I didn’t want to read this because old chuck is old jokes. but I read it anyway because i had nothing to do…

    and i was pleasantly surprised.
    good work! finally something a bit more lighthearted.

    kif dude!

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  7. Jason says:

    How exactly do you aim at shit with a machine strapped bolted to your motorbike?
    What if things are nearer or lower than the thing can aim at while you’re chasing baddies?

    Guns and ammo dept #fail#

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  8. Jason says:

    *gun*

    balls and cock.

    Let’s not even start on the rocket launcher.

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  9. Jason says:

    delete ‘strapped’ FCFS!!

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  10. Andy says:

    Jason for continuity director on the next Chuck flick

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