Best of 2010 | The Truth about Negroes and Vanilla Bean Milkshakesby Montle Moorosi / 27.12.2010
Black men are guilty for 95% of all crimes and sins in the world (except for the creation of sickle cell disease and aids), but what makes the black male so sinister in his crimes is that he owns up and even languishes in his crimes we have come to characterise him by, these crimes include his absurd love for fast food chicken, gay European deep house music, True Religion Jeans, white women, DVD box sets of Top Gear and Obama hype. But never ever will the average black man admit to having at least masturbated once in his life. Never, not even indirectly which means wet dreams are also a no go as well.
Most black men say that they have never masturbated because they have such big cocks that they don’t need to wank. Women are always available. But a gay man once told me that, “black boys dont always have big dicks like everyone believes, it’s the Inuits who have big penises. But they also have cold hearts,” he added as an afterthought. Alas like all hidden truths and STDs, this was one herpes pimple that couldn’t be hidden with a scarf in the summer, because in 2008 an a porn site called Sondeza.com, which showcases black amateur porn ,was born, and within the matter of a year and a half the site now has over a million hits and has spun off a full length feauture film called Mapona Volume 1, which is a clear indication that “monkeys” do spank their monkeys.
Tau Morena (yes, his name is Lion King), the creator of Sondeza, is not what you would imagine a smut peddler would look like. He is a black man, of average height with un-groomed facial hair and slightly chubby cheeks like a puppy Bull Mastiff. On the day of our interview Tau is dressed in blue jeans, sporty beach sandals, a white golf shirt and a black New York Yankees fitted hat. At first I thought he was a stoner who wanted to ask me for a sip of my lemon and mint granita until he threw his keys on the table and said, “lets get into this”.
“So what happened with that Loyiso Gola interview?” I ask. “I was really looking foward to that?”
“That was a last minute fuck on part of E-TV, beurocratic stuff, they only told me 30 minutes before the show aired.” He explains.
“The interview ended with you just about to explain how you came about with Sondeza, can you tell me?”
“Well it started growing up when as young guys at university we were all staying in these small spaces together, you know a cramped student digs with like 4 guys sharing a room, and obviously, girls would come around and some of us would have to sit and watch while the other guys did their thing…”
Suddenly, out of nowhere my line of questioning is interrupted when a burlesque looking middle age black guy dressed in formal work gear joined our table and promptly asked Tau if he was hungry or had breakfast. The man never introduced himself but he sat at our table throughout our whole interview grunting his approval on whatever Tau said and sometimes adding his 10 cents to the charity collection. I just assumed that ever since Lolly Jackson died every smut peddler needs some sort of muscle, even if the guy looks like Tokyo Sexwhale’s driver.
Tao Morena says that his little diversion into porn has now become a fulltime business, and that even his family is aware of what he does but contends that it has not been an easy journey. Most South African black porn enthusiasts will remember that Sondeza has been shut down on numerous occasions. Tau attributes these setbacks mainly to the almost unmanageable flux of unsuitable content uploaded by viewers, which sometimes bordered on paedophilia, which he could not fully control because the site relies mainly on user generated content. But he is adamant that every single complaint that has been lodged against him has been taken care off.
“Its not an easy job” he laments, I could get 10 years in jail for bootlegging my own porn movie or even selling porn illegally from hand to hand, it has to be strictly retailed in a reserved area such as a porn shop.”
After a couple of disturbing “mmhhhs” and “ahhhs” from Tau’s corporate bodyguard to most everything Tau had to say, he then asks Tau if he has seen the article on the South African porn business in the copy of the Mail and Guardian I have on the table. Feeling bullied I cut Tau short on his answer and ask him “Did you start Sondeza and Mapona as a business opportunity because you saw there was no black porn being made, thinking it would make a huge profit?”
“I just took an approach to porn that had been neglected.” He says until he is abruptly cut short by the corporate muscle who adds, “everyone has sex”. What a douche. I then order a Vanilla bean milkshake for R39.
To the surprise of anyone who has ever seen a porn film in their lives, Mapona Volume 1 has no cum shots. This is like science fiction to porn fans, because the fucking invariably always ends with a protein shake being spilled on girls’ faces, butts or boobies. But not in Mapona, that and all the male actors wear condoms.
“The cum shot is a foreign concept.” Explains Tau. “Its our first film, in terms of actors, they’re all amateurs, its hard to tell someone ‘skiet on her face’. We also want to show the real world, I mean how many people actually come on their partner’s face?”
Then his apprentice interjects, “It’s not the money shot that sells, it’s the possibility of seeing someone you know.” Very, very progressive stuff, art fag? No! psychotic social deviant? No! Obama art fag maybe?Yes we can! Who is this guy?
“What about the other porn producers in South Africa, what do they think of your stuff? And by that I mean white porn producers.” I ask whilst looking at his bodyguard out of the corner of my eye like a jealous boyfriend with penis envy… Then it dawns on me that he may be his business partner, fuck it, too late to apologize anyway.
“Not much, porn in South Africa is a green field, the Afrikaans industry is much more established but there are only a maximum of 3 to 4 porn film titles a year being produced in South Africa, so I don’t expect them to have much to say about what we do.”
While he’s talking my mind wanders to a scene from Marci X a low budget comedy starring Damon Wayans as a sleazy rapper and Lisa Kudrow as the middle aged, high society white woman who is secretly in love with him. She asks him, “is there are difference when black people make love and when white people make love?” He pauses then answers, “yes, with black people it’s better”. This little comical tangent may possess a shard of truth seeing that Mapona Volume 1 is sold out in most porn shops (even without the cum shots) and has even led men of stature and Godliness into its enticing morally suspect wet pussy grip. Tau tell’s me that a priest once called onto Khaya FM, a station which is generally only listened to by the likes of Jackie Selebi and Desmond Dube. During a discussion about the launch of the DVD he said he was going to buy a copy of Mapona Volume 1 because, “first and foremost before he is a priest, he is a man, and it could fix his problems in the bedroom.”
Rumours have circulated that even National Prosecuting authority chief Menzi Simelane has ordered a copy, but I seriously doubt this judging by his Brooks Brothers looking suits which indicate a tendency towards white women. Eish, those white tendencies.
And speaking of white and other races of women, Tau tells me that his next film is going to embrace a diversity of South African vaginas and will also have a much bigger budget, which led me to my final question.
“Why are so many black men in denial about enjoying porn?”
“African’s are too quick to judge.” Tau answers expertly. “When a girl has slept with ten niggas she’s a waste, you know, a ho, but when a guy does it he’s a hero. It’s bullshit. I’m not trying to be Lolly Jackson or Larry Flynt, I’m just trying to make a platform where sexuality can be enjoyed and discussed.”
Tau and his man get up and leave as abruptly as they had arrived. As for me I left Melrose Arch trying to figure out what I had learnt from the whole experience; a porn aficionado such as myself having just met a legend in the making. But as I got in my car all I could think was that I shouldn’t have ordered a vanilla milkshake for R39 bucks after having a 1 hour conversation with a porn king about cum shots.