About Advertise
Culture, Leisure
Yummy Yummy Bacon


by Brandon Edmonds / 10.12.2010

We’re aware of a growing perception out there that Mahala is a pit of haters! It’s not entirely true. There’s stuff we like. In fact, there’s stuff we love. Welcome to our weekly “Stuff We Love” spot where we get our sincere on about something we would rather die for than be snarky about. Who doesn’t want to be moved and amazed? In the coming weeks we’ll be looking at much loved mixtapes, old skool shit, hot pants, dirt and Star Wars light sabers. We kick off with bacon.

We’re supposed to eat less and exercise more. We’re supposed to live long and prosper. But we don’t. We’re only human, and unlike other animals, we know we’re gonna die. It’s death-awareness that spoils the best laid plans. It’s bacon that’s waiting when they get spoiled. A few years ago two German men entered a pact. One of them would eat the other’s penis. It was supposed to be an adventure in erotic extremity. Instead, one died and the other is in jail for life. Shoulda had bacon! This applies universally. He jumped off a bridge? Shoulda had bacon! It’s salty sweet. The killer app for your tongue. Goes with anything. I’ve put bacon in yoghurt. Had it with Smarties. In Pronutro. I’ve even tried it on toothpaste. I’ve juiced bacon. I’ve worn bacon as eyebrows. Shit, I’d date bacon.

“Who’s your hot friend?”
“Bacon… hands off!”

Because of the reign of terror – I mean, because we’re so health-conscious, or at least the media represents us that way, or goads us with that goal, chides us with the reality of ourselves in relation to the imagery of perfection (airbrushed and stylized), bacon is increasingly revered. Bacon is everything feelgood lifestyle hype (really just a way of edifying consumerism and channeling potentially dangerous social energy into narcissism) isn’t. Bacon is bad karma. Bad for you. Bad business (part of the industrial slaughter behind our food). But it’s a truly seductive release valve. Fuck it, I’m eating bacon. It’s a rebel yell. Putting bacon in you feels defiant, edgy, sinful and wild. What other food packs as complicated a high? It’s the closest we get to tasting the illicit. There are religious prohibitions against it, which puts bacon in very good company: sex. Bacon is sexy. Just listen to it in the pan. It sounds like a million shanty roofs being rained on in a heatwave in Havana in the 1950s. It sounds like venomous snakes. And the smell it gives your home. You’re suddenly in an Edward Hopper diner or the Middle Ages. You’re reminded of your own senses. Bacon is sensual. It gets your pets all jumpy. It’s to eating what skinny-dipping is when you’re about to fall in love. It’s heady and heavenly. It goes with eggs like homes here go with alarm systems. Essential. I love bacon. What a beautiful way to die.

16   11