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Yummy Yummy Bacon

Bacon

by Brandon Edmonds / 10.12.2010

We’re aware of a growing perception out there that Mahala is a pit of haters! It’s not entirely true. There’s stuff we like. In fact, there’s stuff we love. Welcome to our weekly “Stuff We Love” spot where we get our sincere on about something we would rather die for than be snarky about. Who doesn’t want to be moved and amazed? In the coming weeks we’ll be looking at much loved mixtapes, old skool shit, hot pants, dirt and Star Wars light sabers. We kick off with bacon.

We’re supposed to eat less and exercise more. We’re supposed to live long and prosper. But we don’t. We’re only human, and unlike other animals, we know we’re gonna die. It’s death-awareness that spoils the best laid plans. It’s bacon that’s waiting when they get spoiled. A few years ago two German men entered a pact. One of them would eat the other’s penis. It was supposed to be an adventure in erotic extremity. Instead, one died and the other is in jail for life. Shoulda had bacon! This applies universally. He jumped off a bridge? Shoulda had bacon! It’s salty sweet. The killer app for your tongue. Goes with anything. I’ve put bacon in yoghurt. Had it with Smarties. In Pronutro. I’ve even tried it on toothpaste. I’ve juiced bacon. I’ve worn bacon as eyebrows. Shit, I’d date bacon.

“Who’s your hot friend?”
“Bacon… hands off!”

Because of the reign of terror – I mean, because we’re so health-conscious, or at least the media represents us that way, or goads us with that goal, chides us with the reality of ourselves in relation to the imagery of perfection (airbrushed and stylized), bacon is increasingly revered. Bacon is everything feelgood lifestyle hype (really just a way of edifying consumerism and channeling potentially dangerous social energy into narcissism) isn’t. Bacon is bad karma. Bad for you. Bad business (part of the industrial slaughter behind our food). But it’s a truly seductive release valve. Fuck it, I’m eating bacon. It’s a rebel yell. Putting bacon in you feels defiant, edgy, sinful and wild. What other food packs as complicated a high? It’s the closest we get to tasting the illicit. There are religious prohibitions against it, which puts bacon in very good company: sex. Bacon is sexy. Just listen to it in the pan. It sounds like a million shanty roofs being rained on in a heatwave in Havana in the 1950s. It sounds like venomous snakes. And the smell it gives your home. You’re suddenly in an Edward Hopper diner or the Middle Ages. You’re reminded of your own senses. Bacon is sensual. It gets your pets all jumpy. It’s to eating what skinny-dipping is when you’re about to fall in love. It’s heady and heavenly. It goes with eggs like homes here go with alarm systems. Essential. I love bacon. What a beautiful way to die.

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RESPONSES (33)
  1. Mick says:

    Tasty tasty. And the bacon’s nice too.

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  2. Captain Lombard says:

    “I’ve worn bacon as eyebrows.” – That’s hilarious Edmonds.

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  3. JM Koet$ee says:

    I want some Bacon, NOW!

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  4. damndemons says:

    bacon strip that shit!

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  5. dr phil says:

    Brandon, do yourself a long-term favour. Go to an old-age home and find some overweight, bacon-lovin’ geriatrics. Chat to them about their quality of life and their pains and health problems after decades of poor diet and neglect. Ask them if they’d trade all that bacon in for a healthier lifestyle, just like that still enjoyed by their well-nourished contemporaries who have a much better quality of life in their ’70s and ’80s while they have been struggling from a much earlier age. I can guarantee you that they will speak of their fat-guzzling infatuation with nothing but regret, just like smokers dying of emphysema regret ever having lit up a cigarette. But hey, you’re relatively young and carefree and it’s far more cool and entertaining to promote irresponsible self-indulgence than to punt the virtues of more judicious living. But know this, you’re only getting older and the come-uppance for your poor lifestyle choices is drawing ever nearer.

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  6. George Bacon says:

    Thanks for all the love. You gotta check this shit out http://www.neatoshop.com/catg/Bacon-Store

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  7. brandon edmonds says:

    dr phil if i’m still alive at 80 after a lifelong love affair with bacon, i’d be more than happy to stransky the bucket…

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  8. Jason says:

    All things in moderation, including self flagellating on the bathroom scale, bleary-eyed whimpering and sucking your own snot while counting grams and calories. We all know you’ve secretly scoffed a few late-nite pies on the way home from gym, Dr Phil!

    I’ve decided it’s bacon zarms for lunch, thanks Brendan.

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  9. Lara says:

    super awesome. We celebrated international bacon day in our social group by getting together and each bringing a bacon laced dish/snack of some sort.

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  10. Mick says:

    That was not the real Dr. Phil. The real Doc turns those lip-smackingly self-righteous assertions into mind-grindingly smug rhetorical questions. While his eyebrows proceed to scale the unfortunate expanse of his forehead.

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  11. dr phil says:

    Brandon, if you make it to 80 on that diet, then your last 20 years will be spent in and out of hospital, with bypass surgery and a colostomy bag – so you’ve got a lot to look forward to. The rest of us can also look forward to financing your health care through the tax base. You see, devil-may-care lardasses aren’t just a hazard to themselves, they’re also a burden to the rest of us who pick up the tab for their laziness and wilful self-abuse. Bear that in mind next time you pen a rant against anyone who you think is ripping off the poor and unfortunate.

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  12. the real dr phil says:

    Brandon, how’s that working for ya?

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  13. montle says:

    boooo!! he didnt even say vagina or cock anywhere? what kind of writing is that? fucking bullshit. i wnat my money back dawg.

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  14. Max says:

    agreed. cock wrapped in bacon strips. a tasty addition to the diet. no?

    😛

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  15. brandon edmonds says:

    i’m living to 100 now! yay. and really the old tax base routine on top of loaded language like ‘laziness’ go hail the moon downward dog…

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  16. creepy steve says:

    DOWN WITH THE VAGETERIANS, UP WITH SAUSAGE FEST

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  17. Anonymous says:

    Steve, did you mean ‘vagitarians’, ie pussy eaters, or was that just a typo?

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  18. Gigantic Faggot says:

    I’ll bet Dr Phil hangs around with his health conscious buddies and compares notes on the quality of their latest bowel movements.

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  19. @ GF says:

    yar, they poo in packets and have a Pantone book as reference.

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  20. Bunny Gatsby says:

    Fuckin-A, that fuckin Brandon motherfuckin Edmonds can fuckin’ write.

    #2 in the Mahala ‘Stuff We Love’ series: the word ‘fuck’.

    Damn fine!

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  21. Dr Feelgood says:

    Lalelang, uDokotela Phil – val’ umlongo, man.
    Don’t be such a chiskop.
    Cheeky halfnaai mofaka.
    Let the mlungu enjoy his gulube while he can.
    Life is short and ugly for a lonely white boy.
    Ask Brandon Huntley, ne?

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  22. Bob Blake says:

    “We’re aware of a growing perception out there that Mahala is a pit of haters! It’s not entirely true. There’s stuff we like. In fact, there’s stuff we love.”

    This is a very interesting sentence. The perception that Mahala is just a repository for educated, cynical, contrarian, combative, sarcastic, dislocated opinion is targeted towards its critique of culture: so, for example, freeform, unending criticism of local music, fashion, cultural trend etc. (or showing off how insincere, or ideologically uniform these things are – albeit in a rather vicious way).

    But Edmonds here, writing about what he loves, has chosen to focus on bacon. The point is, if you’ll allow me, that in a kind of classical move of Althusserian overdetermination, Edmonds has offered the redemption from this “pit of [hate]” in the same act as he has appeared to acknowledge it. In other words, this piece legitimates the hate that came before by saying Mahala is also prone to love, so the perception is false. Yet the love in this piece is directed towards something else entirely (a foodstuff, not a cultural product), thereby giving a totally erroneous idea that Mahala isn’t just a “pit of haters”.

    Wankery aside, this piece was really well written.

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  23. brandon edmonds says:

    I’m glad you mentioned Althusser who is the subject of the greatest intellectual demolition I’ve ever read in EP Thompson’s ‘The Poverty of Theory’. That essay essentially guts the structuralist for separating social being from social consciousness – privileging the latter, rather than insisting on the complex interplay of both simultaneously. So Theory is made all encompassing. Althusser’s is a self-referring, self-enclosed academic idealism. The same occurs in your post Bob. You separate ‘hating’ on Mahala (social consciousness or ideology) from bacon (social being or material reality) as if bacon were somehow exempt from social meaning (‘a foodstuff not a cultural product’). Bacon is as much a cultural product as it is a foodstuff. As I wrote: ‘What other food packs as complicated a high?” So I don’t see it as ‘something else entirely’ / as a thing-in-itself exempt from the play of practices, economics and history that gets bacon to market. What I am worried about is the difference between critical and substantive knowledge. I think we are pretty good at generating critical insight on Mahala (however vicious), but way off when it comes to enabling the kind of understanding people can practically apply in their everyday lives. Wankery aside, your comment was really insightful.

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  24. Bob Blake says:

    @ edmonds

    Cool. But, I think my point still stands: the cultural value of bacon within the network of values on the site (in terms of the lavished, the privileged and the preferred, which is often defined as anti-something, or rather contra-something) is clearly humorous compared with those other objects seized up in the teeth of your critique. It’s not really that important; I just thought it was a kind of sneaky legitimation to say, “well, we aren’t really overcritical (given the hundreds of barbed articles on local culture) because we love bacon also. We’re capable of love, therefore we aren’t that harsh.” I think the object of love serves as an almost comic affirmation of just how harsh this website is – that the celebration begins with bacon!

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  25. mega-douche says:

    i do recall the german penis eating saga. but if i remember accurately, they were to both snack on the cock… it’s just that the one wasn’t feeling so good once the knob had been fried up and served. just saying.

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  26. dr phil says:

    Blake 1, Edmonds nil. And I didn’t even mention laziness.

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  27. Dillon says:

    Would have rather read the hater article on Bacon, i must be honest.

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  28. Sara says:

    I’ve removed Mahala from my home page as I got sick of the “haters” too, and the predictable jock-sardonic way of writing. Dressing it up in intellectualism as does Brandon is a feeble attempt at trying to give it a sophisticated veneer. It’s soooo 80s for journos to parade that supercilious-we-know-what’s-really cutting authoritative voice.

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  29. if it smells like shit then... says:

    Edmonds is a shadow of his former self. If the most inspiring thing that he can find to write about in a culture-zine is fucking bacon, then it’s all downhill from here. Sara and Bob tell it like it is.

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  30. Sarah Dee says:

    What’s wrong with hating?

    Somehow, with all its jock sardonicism, Mahala has managed to create one of the more interesting discussion spaces locally on culture for the more youthful of us South Africans.

    Because that’s what hating, or rather criticism, does… it incites and stimulates. It makes the haters of the haters justify why they DON’T hate. It makes us aware of our own beliefs. It’s our redemption from automatism.

    Sara doesn’t know how right she is when she says that “It’s soooo 80s for journos to parade that supercilious-we-know-what’s-really cutting authoritative voice.” – The 80s being just about exactly that historical moment, when the youth counterculture lost it’s bite, and became the yappy yorkshire terrier on the lap of the Man.

    All because we forgot how to hate.

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  31. the rapture says:

    Sarah Dee, will you marry me?

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  32. the cinephile says:

    Okay, let’s take that idea of the positivity of hate somewhere new by examining the weakness of its opposite. This man is very smart:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hg7qdowoemo

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  33. desdemona says:

    Could Sara explain what she means by jock-sardonicism, & perhaps also about allegedly 8os journo style? I’m none the wiser

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