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Ask Velaphi

Ask Velaphi

by Velaphi Malgas / Illustration by Alastair Laird / 28.03.2013

Oooooo madodaaaaa!

My name is Skhumbuzo Velaphi Malgas, I’m currently incarcerated in Sun City prison in Johannesburg for fraud. In 1999 I was jailed for running a fake stokvel in Orlando Soweto where I formed a society collecting lots of money for tupparware and chicken gizzards and other valuable goods. I had a very good and profitable run and even got to make acquantances with my idols like Mama Jackie and Gayton Mckenzie. But then I got caught. I was convicted for fraud and sentenced to 2 years but have have been given a further 10 years because of certain things I have done once inside. Most because of my yearning to not be alone and to find love, like everyone else. I have made a lot of mistakes. I sincerely hope to rectify my wrongs via this ghubuluzing column, which has been made available to me by the kind people at Mahala.

Yours truly

Velaphi

I have a new boyfriend, but my mum still chats to my ex. What should I do?

Ooooooooh madodaaaaaa! This reminds me of that time when Philemon arrived at cell block D after he had just been transferred from Pretoria Central prison and had also just become Bra Jabu’s new wyfie even though it was well known dat Petros is still doing Jabu’s laundry every Tuesday while Philemon prepares Jabu’s noodles. So one day when Petros was coming from ama toilets to wash his briefs Philemon hit him over the head with a padlock. You must tell your ma that if she keeps talking to your ex she could get klapped with a padlock, because you know what Shakespeare said: “love is a battlefield”.

If I dress up will it help get the mojo back in our bedroom?

Who is this Mojo? Why must he come back in the bedroom madala? If I need someone to come in my bedroom I don’t need a dress up. I just wys my naat and by the time me count to five there will be a nongalos pakhathi, no matata mos.

Eish, these problems are not problems they are ngamla problems. I got a problem for wena. How can I stop Isaac Nelson from block C from raping me in umnqund’wam? Eh? I can’t. There is nothing Velaphi can do. Fokol. Voetsek gwenthini with your tendencies. Velaphi has problems gqit!

Everytime my girlfriend goes to the toilet at my house she locks the door. Why does she do that?


Bra, uthethe masimba! Mamela. You are a lucky ngamla if you don have to see your sisi kak and pee pee. I share a cell with a Congolese called Majemba and he loves to kak on a toilet. And I have to watch him every time he takes these big kaks. What I wouldn’t do for a locked door for him to kak behind. If your sisi locks the door say nkosi my Jesus, for you have been spared. That said if you call her when she in toilet and she doesnt answer then skiet the mugwanti. Finish en klaar.

I want to try something new, but my partner likes our sexlife to be consistent. What can I do to change his mind?

OOooooo madoda! Here in Sun City we are always trying new things cuz time is all we have! Just tell that boring person you’re with that you’re down for the YOLO! Jesus I like dat Drake guy! YOLO! Tell your partner that you only live once, put some aromat or sishebo mix on his amasende, place them in your mouth and then hum any song by TKZee. But if your partner is really stubborn like this guy Fistoz who stays in block D, the trick is to make them feel safe, hold them close, grab their masende and say to them: “This is not a choice I am giving you, it’s my body.”

Got a question for Velaphi? Email him.

13   5
RESPONSES (13)
  1. T says:

    Are you guys serious? Have you ever taken a walk through Sun City? And this is the best you can do? Shameful, and quite sick, actually.

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  2. tanga says:

    hahahah

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  3. zo says:

    This seems like direct conceptual pilfering of the Vice.com column written by Bert Burykill. Of course Burykill actually spent time in jail and his writing is infused with the sincere horror of being locked behind bars with remorseless criminals, crushing boredom and the ever inventive sexual release methods concocted. This is just insipid drivel.

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  4. fku says:

    your shit’s weak son

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  5. ohboy says:

    prison rape jokes advice column. oh how funny.

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  6. Andy says:

    I’m gonna wait for Velaphi to respond before i wade in

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  7. papa says:

    real life shit motherfuckaz! this is totally brilliant- an insightful look into the life of a wrongly incarcerated black african man.

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  8. Velaphi says:

    i am using the five minites allowance i get a week online to respond to bhiza bonke. right now velaphi shoukd belooking at goats on gumtree but i am not i am responding to this kak. haters gonna hate and right now velaphi is being offered a sponsorship from stoneys. imali gqit baba. voetsek you jajarag naaiers. velaphi is runnig the stoney game now. And entlek mara who iz dis bert burykiss.? He not in my cell block,entlek dat bra isnt even in sun city. Dat stabane is all amasende lam. Amajita need to respect dat im just a man trying to be ghubuluzing in de eyes of the lord.
    HEPPY EASTER MAJITA

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  9. Anonymous says:

    jesus, can someone just euthanize this site already. this is pathetic.

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  10. Andy says:

    let’s start with the anonymous douchebag commentators

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  11. Heather says:

    I LOVE it!!! Gonna use it in my language class re code switching and code mixing. Ja, joe you are code-swatching!

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  12. Spice says:

    aninanqondo makodidni

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  13. Roosevelt says:

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts about prison. Regards

    My web blog … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eYV1qNl0pg

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