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Ask Velaphi

by Velaphi Malgas / Illustration by Alastair Laird / 28.03.2013

Oooooo madodaaaaa!

My name is Skhumbuzo Velaphi Malgas, I’m currently incarcerated in Sun City prison in Johannesburg for fraud. In 1999 I was jailed for running a fake stokvel in Orlando Soweto where I formed a society collecting lots of money for tupparware and chicken gizzards and other valuable goods. I had a very good and profitable run and even got to make acquantances with my idols like Mama Jackie and Gayton Mckenzie. But then I got caught. I was convicted for fraud and sentenced to 2 years but have have been given a further 10 years because of certain things I have done once inside. Most because of my yearning to not be alone and to find love, like everyone else. I have made a lot of mistakes. I sincerely hope to rectify my wrongs via this ghubuluzing column, which has been made available to me by the kind people at Mahala.

Yours truly


I have a new boyfriend, but my mum still chats to my ex. What should I do?

Ooooooooh madodaaaaaa! This reminds me of that time when Philemon arrived at cell block D after he had just been transferred from Pretoria Central prison and had also just become Bra Jabu’s new wyfie even though it was well known dat Petros is still doing Jabu’s laundry every Tuesday while Philemon prepares Jabu’s noodles. So one day when Petros was coming from ama toilets to wash his briefs Philemon hit him over the head with a padlock. You must tell your ma that if she keeps talking to your ex she could get klapped with a padlock, because you know what Shakespeare said: “love is a battlefield”.

If I dress up will it help get the mojo back in our bedroom?

Who is this Mojo? Why must he come back in the bedroom madala? If I need someone to come in my bedroom I don’t need a dress up. I just wys my naat and by the time me count to five there will be a nongalos pakhathi, no matata mos.

Eish, these problems are not problems they are ngamla problems. I got a problem for wena. How can I stop Isaac Nelson from block C from raping me in umnqund’wam? Eh? I can’t. There is nothing Velaphi can do. Fokol. Voetsek gwenthini with your tendencies. Velaphi has problems gqit!

Everytime my girlfriend goes to the toilet at my house she locks the door. Why does she do that?

Bra, uthethe masimba! Mamela. You are a lucky ngamla if you don have to see your sisi kak and pee pee. I share a cell with a Congolese called Majemba and he loves to kak on a toilet. And I have to watch him every time he takes these big kaks. What I wouldn’t do for a locked door for him to kak behind. If your sisi locks the door say nkosi my Jesus, for you have been spared. That said if you call her when she in toilet and she doesnt answer then skiet the mugwanti. Finish en klaar.

I want to try something new, but my partner likes our sexlife to be consistent. What can I do to change his mind?

OOooooo madoda! Here in Sun City we are always trying new things cuz time is all we have! Just tell that boring person you’re with that you’re down for the YOLO! Jesus I like dat Drake guy! YOLO! Tell your partner that you only live once, put some aromat or sishebo mix on his amasende, place them in your mouth and then hum any song by TKZee. But if your partner is really stubborn like this guy Fistoz who stays in block D, the trick is to make them feel safe, hold them close, grab their masende and say to them: “This is not a choice I am giving you, it’s my body.”

Got a question for Velaphi? Email him.

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