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Arses on Fire

Arses on Fire

by Carlos Amato, images by Justin McGee / 12.02.2010

If you put foot hard and long enough down the autobahn of idiocy, it’s possible to break the stupidity barrier and gatecrash the galaxy of genius. That’s the operating principle behind Top Gear Live, a sublimely silly “motoring theatre” production brought to SA every year by the droll BBC petrolhead Jeremy Clarkson.

My fascination with any given set of wheels is confined to the efficacy of its aircon and the quality of its sound system. And I really don’t care who this “Stig” cat is. But after my initiation at Northgate Dome in the company of Clarkson and his donnish adjutant, James May, even I had to acknowledge the fuck-the-poor magnificence of an Aston Martin DB9.

Nor can I dispute the spiritual impact of seeing a car being driven in circles with its arse on fire, to the accompaniment of Limp Bizkit.

Or the value of discovering what happens when you attach a jet engine to a bicycle. Or the pleasure to be had in seeing four psychotic French motorcyclists revolving like flies inside a giant spherical colander.

Clarkson loves South Africa, because we love cars and we love him. He even loves Joburg, and scorns the terror of his fellow limeys at the prospect of coming here. “Look at you,” he said to the 12000-strong audience. “How many of you have been killed?” Nervous titters.
“You will be killed,” declares Sasha Martinengo, his South African guest sidekick for the night in the absence of Nigel Hammond.

Martinengo made a valiant effort to play the straight man to May and Clarkson’s wisecrackery, but he was hopelessly out of his depth. The Top Gear schtick is easy to consume, but deceptively hard to produce. You need high-octane charisma to be a trio of juvenile, lecherous, middle-aged, appallingly dressed Tories and remain likeable.

Have you ever been in a car while someone does this? Its like being on poppers on a rubber merry go round that's on fire.

Have you ever been in a car while someone does this? Its like being on poppers on a rubber merry go round that's on fire.

High tech cleaning crew guy needs bigger pads on his polisher.

High tech cleaning crew guy needs bigger pads on his polisher.

You spend all that money and you screw up the paint job?

You spend all that money and you screw up the paint job?

Right my Bruvs, whose up for a quick bit of public humiliation by product endorsement?

Right my Bruvs, whose up for a quick bit of public humiliation by product endorsement?

Is it just me, or are these guys dancing

Is it just me, or are these guys dancing

After taking all the cash from the audience the space ship fired its engines and burnt them to soot.

After taking all the cash from the audience the space ship fired its engines and burnt them to soot.

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RESPONSES (9)
  1. mofo says:

    Well said. Obsession with cars is the preserve of the culturally illiterate. I’m sure the haters will disagree.

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  2. Andy says:

    what no haters? there’s a turn for the books.

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  3. Classy says:

    Sounds like this was comosed by a dude who rides a vespa! Continue to suck ass my friend!

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  4. bigger aint always better says:

    “Classy” but illiterate – learn to spell basic words before you post a comment here buddy. By the way, people who ride vespas are probably a lot more socially and environmentally conscious than you will ever be. But those are foreign concepts to space-hoggers who think that such people “suck ass”.

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  5. Classy says:

    My humble apologies Mr Bigger. I am but a product of a government school education. It doesnt detract from the fact that this article still sounds like it was comPosed (i meant to put the P in caps before you decide to jump up on the soapbox again). Yes a vespa is indeed more environmentally friendly (appeasing to the hippie who wrote this piece). It also sucks when you get wiped out on one – but you are saving the environment! Bullie for you! Last time I checked, chicks still dig a throaty V8.

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  6. David Steynberg says:

    While I loved the cars, drifing and pyro, the whole experiment would have fallen flat if it wasn’t for Clarkson! The man is funny as hell – especially when he took his handi-cam and aimed it down the cleavage of a milf while her boyfriend laughed next to her! Classic.

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  7. no bromide says:

    Milf cleavage, V8’s, environmental destruction – do these all have something in common?

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  8. Roger Young says:

    Classy, not to detract from the main argument, but was spelling “bully” incorrectly also intentional? Inquiring minds want to know.

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  9. Michael Smith says:

    “Nigel Hammond”? (end of para 5). Check facts, Carlos, always check facts.

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