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Hansie Wors

Hansie Wors

by Brandon Edmonds, illustration by Rico / 15.09.2010

The shock loss of the Onion-like local satire website Hayibo! is enough to make you cry. Despite ‘going viral’ more than once (including a note perfect story on the supposed ‘banning of the vagina’ in the Middle East) the site never managed to hold down the ‘6 big ad campaigns’ it takes to keep going online. Local brands are just too enmeshed in the image politics of the new South Africa to risk association with anything that heroically pops the hot air balloons of government delusion and deceit.

The local media landscape is rapidly becoming a gated community of fellow thinkers parroting the party line – defanged and underwhelming. Losing Hayibo while the slimy plump boa of ANC repression tightens its grip on free thought is disturbing. What next? Zapiro publically flogged? Search engines surgically blinkered like China? Porn utterly outlawed? Dear Barry Ronge strapped to a chair – a la Kubrick’s sexy droog Alex – and force-fed Eastwood’s lame Mandela hagiography Invictus on a perpetual loop? Enough!

Here is the first of a dozen local satires dying to get made. Any one of them would restore much needed confidence in the size of our media’s balls.

HansieWors
The disgraced former cricket captain returns from the dead as a clown-faced Juggaloo zombie in this freaky CGI laden horror comedy. And he’s pissed! Failing to make ends meet as a street performer he erupts from the middle of the pitch during a 20-20 against Pakistan. Enraged he slowly and deliberately inserts Graham Smith into Salman Butt! AB De Villiers reads aloud from Revelations until the unsettled spirit yells “I was framed!” and vanishes. Jim Carrey as Hansie?

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RESPONSES (18)
  1. meta stasis says:

    Edmonds, you’re trying to hard. Calm down a bit. Deep breaths.

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  2. Andy says:

    meta stasis you are a naysayer of note… so hard to impress

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  3. meta stasis says:

    Not entirely true, Andy. Brandon’s stuff has more often than not impressed and amused me no end. But this is below par and not his best work.

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  4. Alistair (-) E. Moose says:

    “(including a note perfect story on the supposed ‘banning of the vagina’ in the Middle East)”

    The story was about vaginal denialism in the Middle-East, not its banning. Just BTW. It was fucking funny. More funny than this. 😛

    Here: http://www.hayibo.com/vagina-a-myth-say-saudi-scientists/

    Enjoy

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  5. Icedr says:

    Can someone explain what this is about?

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  6. brandon edmonds says:

    Oh for fuck’s sake.

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  7. Jason says:

    Nice illo.

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  8. Andy says:

    Icedr it’s a series of satirical movies that we reckon should be made. It’s just for a laugh, but strangely poignant and relevant… kind of like satire…

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  9. Anonymous says:

    “Oh for fucks sakes!” /”Ooh Indie in the jungle! Fuck you.” Aah the gorgeousity of Lingo’s childen Pow! Love bless linglage. Ahmen!

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  10. Andy says:

    yeesh tough crowd!

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  11. Steppin' Wolfe says:

    Anonymous two posts up – what the fuck are you trying to say?

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  12. Andrew says:

    The best line ever on Hayibo was “said gap-year student Nicholas Bishops-Michaelhouse”

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  13. bahumbugga says:

    This swine edmonds dares to utter the dread name hansie. unacceptable

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  14. Bunny Gatsby says:

    Hayibo – rocks. (OK, rocked.)
    Edmonds – rocks. (may not always be intelligible to mental dwarves, but fuckem.)
    Anonymous – the refuge of tossers and sneering hit ‘n run retards. Fuckem, too.

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  15. Anonymous says:

    so the site closed cause it couldn’t attract advertisers and this is a reflection of what? ‘the size of our media’s balls.’ or maybe just the fact that nobody was interested in the lame satire (except for maybe a handful of BA students at UCT and Rhodes?)… you shouldnt really get angry at the ‘media’ or advertisers or the public for not giving you money – make a plan – nobody is entitled to advertising, regardless of how progressive or important you think your ‘humour’ is… hayibo – who cares?

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  16. bahumbugga says:

    oh i don’t know, anonymous. U sound like a corporate zombie. Lashing the backward taste of saffer dunces is fine, noble & necessary work.

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  17. bahumbugga says:

    yes, u pitiful b.com jerk-off, when we need ecos1 updates, we’ll let u know

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  18. bahumbugga says:

    Edmonds, u r in the gravest peril! I stumbled last nite upon a grievous Bezmenovian plot, on which we must urgently take counsel in a secure location. In brief, it appears that an agent provocateur has been deployed to exploit yr susceptibility to flattery & unfortunately notorious partiality for sleazy congress. An apparently bluestocking groupie spouting zizek & such aims to ensnare you in a sordid honeytrap! Given that this would be all too easy, owing to the pathetic, desperate hungers that rage unchecked & unsatisfied in yr svelte organism, EN GARDE!!

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