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Hansie Wors

Hansie Wors

by Brandon Edmonds, illustration by Rico / 15.09.2010

The shock loss of the Onion-like local satire website Hayibo! is enough to make you cry. Despite ‘going viral’ more than once (including a note perfect story on the supposed ‘banning of the vagina’ in the Middle East) the site never managed to hold down the ‘6 big ad campaigns’ it takes to keep going online. Local brands are just too enmeshed in the image politics of the new South Africa to risk association with anything that heroically pops the hot air balloons of government delusion and deceit.

The local media landscape is rapidly becoming a gated community of fellow thinkers parroting the party line – defanged and underwhelming. Losing Hayibo while the slimy plump boa of ANC repression tightens its grip on free thought is disturbing. What next? Zapiro publically flogged? Search engines surgically blinkered like China? Porn utterly outlawed? Dear Barry Ronge strapped to a chair – a la Kubrick’s sexy droog Alex – and force-fed Eastwood’s lame Mandela hagiography Invictus on a perpetual loop? Enough!

Here is the first of a dozen local satires dying to get made. Any one of them would restore much needed confidence in the size of our media’s balls.

The disgraced former cricket captain returns from the dead as a clown-faced Juggaloo zombie in this freaky CGI laden horror comedy. And he’s pissed! Failing to make ends meet as a street performer he erupts from the middle of the pitch during a 20-20 against Pakistan. Enraged he slowly and deliberately inserts Graham Smith into Salman Butt! AB De Villiers reads aloud from Revelations until the unsettled spirit yells “I was framed!” and vanishes. Jim Carrey as Hansie?

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