Captain Noah And The Love Boatby Justin Fox / 11.04.2014
And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born unto them, that the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were fair, with comely buttocks and nice tits. So they took wives of all which they chose, e’en some that looketh like the back end of a bus, there being no accounting for taste.
And the Lord said, My Spirit shall not always strive with man, for he also is flesh, and I hath other things to do with Mine spare time: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years, which maketh no sense, but anyway.
There were giants on the earth in those days (which we shall resist from calling dinosaurs so as not to upset the religious right); and also after that, when the sons of God came unto the daughters of men for sessions of how’s your Father, that they bared children unto them.
And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, especially in the hanky-panky department, and that the thoughts of their hearts was evil continually,. And the Lord repented that he had made man on earth, instead of upon some barren planet (like he did with the Little Prince), and lo, it grieved him.
‘Schlafende Venus, von Satyr überrascht’ by Nicolas Poussin, 1626
And the Lord said, “I vill destroy man whom I haf created from ze face of ze earth using mine heavenly Blitzkrieg; both man, und beast, und ze creeping thing, and ze fowls of ze air; for it repenteth me zat I haf made zem. Especially ze creeping thing.”
But Noah found grace in the eyes of the Lord. Phew.
God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt, and not at a Zuma/ Gupta level; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. And God said unto Noah, “The end of all flesh is come before me (no more red meat, or chicken on Sundays, nor hamburgers neither); for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.”
“Make thee an ark of gopher wood, or just eucalyptus if that’s all ye can get hold of at short notice, but no indigenous trees, especially not yellowwoods; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, en suite with all the mod-cons, and thou shalt pitch it within and without with pitch, and provideth cans of air-freshener for each cabin in case the pitch doth stink.
And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. But if thou art looking for extra speed, narrow the breadth and create a flat bottom. Thou shalt buy thine engine from Volvo Penta as the Lord hath a special deal with the manufacturer and there shalt be lots of tenders available after the flood.
A window shalt thou make to the ark, and the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof but not too near the waterline as the Lord doth not want another Titanic on His hands. With lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it. These shalt be for each different class of passenger as ’tis wise not to have riffraff on the upper decks, especially not the monkeys and the supporters of Manchester United.
And, behold, I shall bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under Heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die; but obviously not the fish, nor the amphibians, nor the swimming reptiles or waterfowl. So, to be quite honest, only some things that are in the earth shall die.
‘Deluge’ by Hans Baldung, 1516
But with thee will I establish my covenant; and thou shalt come into the ark, thou, and thy sons, and thy wife, and thy sons’ wives and the prettier of the girlfriends and mistresses with thee.
And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female, so that it might be a Love Boat of sorts and all the creatures shalt partake of each others’ flesh and make whoopee in their cabins, but not on the pool deck or dance floor.
Of fowls after their kind, and of cattle after their kind, of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind and before his kind, and in between his kind; two of every sort shall come unto thee, to keep them alive, and come into each other so for to multiply, for multiplication can be mightily fun if thee get Mine drift.
And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten, but go easy on the dairy products as thine cholesterol is too high, and thou shalt gather it to thee; and it shall be for food for thee, and for them.”
Thus did Noah according to all that God commanded him, so did he, he did, didn’t he?
And the Lord said unto Noah, “Come thou and all thy house (please dismantle first, and number the parts) into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation (apart from thine dalliance with Lola the amphora seller, which We shalt overlook, for now”).
Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his sheila: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his sheila. Alternatively thou canst hose down the dirty ones and maketh them clean, in which case, them by sevens too.
Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the sheila; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth. Not birdseed, mind, but rather seed in the Biblical sense, capice?
I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth, because I hath had enough of this shite.”
And Noah did according unto all that the Lord commanded him.
And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth. And lo, he should have been in an old-age home in Sea Point enjoying his retirement rather than mucking about on boats.
And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons’ wives and ‘au pairs’ and ‘cleaning ladies’ and ‘laundry maids’ with him, into the ark because of the waters of the flood.
Of clean beasts, and of not so clean beasts, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth, there went in two and two unto Noah into the ark. And there was pandemonium at the departure terminal. And luggage was mislaid. And some of the beasts tossed their toys about most petulantly.
It came to pass after seven days, that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.
In the six thousandth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broke open, and the windows of heaven were opened to let in some air as it had become a tad stuffy.
And the rain was upon the earth fourty days and fourty nights. ’Twas like an monsoon, or an average Cape Town winter.
‘Werksverzeichnis’ by Adi Holzer, 1975
In the self-same day entered Noah, and Shem, and Japheth, and Ham, and Chorizo, the sons of Noah, and Noah’s wife, Mrs Noah, and the four wives of his sons with them, Sharon, Tracey, Elaine and Tinkerbelle and assorted babes, into the ark; they, and every beast after its kind.
And they that went in, two and two of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the Lord shut them in. Then came lifeboat drill and the captain’s cocktail party, enjoyed by all, except the cocks, whose tails were pulled mercilessly by the compere and other letches.
And the flood was fourty days upon the earth; and the waters increased; and the ark went upon the face of the waters with much fanfare like the MSC Sinfonia .
And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered. And those under the half heaven were not. Until later. Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered, even unto the Drakensberg.
And all flesh died that moved upon the earth: all in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died, and also those with breath in their lungs and windpipe and mouth too. Except those enterprising folk who’d made their own arks.
And the waters prevailed upon the earth a hundred and fifty days, which is a long time for a cruise so the on-board entertainment team hadst their work cut out for them.
‘Noah’s Ark’ by Dorin Coltofeanu, 2011
And God remembered Noah, despite having plenty on His mind, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark, e’en the frisky heifers: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged, stilled by the pong.
The fountains also of the deep and the windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained, even unto an order from the Sheriff.
And the ark rested in the seventh month upon the mountains of Ararat in an awkward part of Turkey where the Armenians were tetchy about mooring permissions and port duties. So they anchored instead.
And the waters decreased continually until the tenth month, when the tops of the mountains were seen, all of them peopled with other castaways drinking grog and toasting their lucky stars beneath swaying palms.
And it came to pass at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the porthole of the ark: And he sent forth a dove called Martha, for whom he had an soft spot, to see if the waters were abated from off the face of the ground.
But Martha found no rest for the sole of her foot, nor for the heel or toes, and she returned unto him into the ark; for the waters were still off their face on the whole earth. Then he put forth his hand, and took her, and pulled her in unto him into the ark, but strictly in a paternal way.
And he stayed yet another seven days, by which time the passengers were growing rowdy and had found Noah’s secret stash of Captain Morgan rum. Again he sent forth the dove out of the ark.
And Martha came in to him in the evening, and, lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf plucked off: so Noah knew that the waters were abated from off the earth. Which was wishful thinking, as Martha had found it floating in the sea.
‘Noah sends off a dove from the ark’ by Jean Dreux, 1450
And he stayed yet another seven days, and sent forth the dove, which returned not again unto him any more, having shacked up with a randy male dove
And it came to pass that the waters were finally dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark with the help of two elephants, and behold, the face of the ground was dry, although its hair was still a bit damp.
And in the second month, on the seven and twentieth day of the month, at about twenty-three minutes past eleven GMT, was the earth dried.
And God spake unto Noah, saying, “Go forth out of the ark, thou, and thy wife, and thy sons, and thy sons’ wives and all the ridiculously comely babes. Bring forth with thee every living thing that is with thee, that they may doeth it like they doeth it on the Discovery Channel, because they have much catching up to do since I massacred all the others. And Noah went forth out of the arc, having let his sons, his wife, and his sons’ hot babes go first, second and third.
Noah’s Ark on Mount Ararat by Simon de Myle, 1570
And in between all the shagging, Noah built an altar unto the Lord; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, after a good scrub and shampooing, and offered burnt offerings on the altar.
And the Lord smelt the sweet savour of braai meat; and the Lord said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man’s sake; for the imagination of man’s heart is evil from his youth, especially when he watcheth too much porn: neither will I again smite any more every thing living, for I was admittedly a bit grumpy and overtired from having created the earth, for which thou canst blame Me not.
While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease. Not, that is, until I am long in the grave, the Second Law of Thermodynamics hath kicked in and everyone on the planet hath frozen to death. Lucifer take the hindmost, not my bloody problem, tra-la-la!
*All original artwork © the creators.
*Opening image: ‘Noah and His Ark’ by Charles Willson Peale, 1819