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Bondage at the Winston

Bondage at the Winston

by Creepy Steve, image by Alastair Laird / 28.05.2010

“Hey all you pub scum. I’m having a small braai at my place in Yellowwood park today 2:30. Pool vibes, bring your own meat, beer and boobs, love Lu x”

I like Sweet Lou AKA The Fresh Prince Of Montclair, he’s an honest guy. The golden hours ten year reunion party was well under way when I received word of this assignment from Roger (a fat man I’m very wary of) but being the young professional I am; what could I do, but leap at the opportunity of working with Mahala? It’s an organization whose staff contributor list reads like the open air school post matric class of ‘98. You have the fat guy, (anonymous hates this ou); the wetback and Sweatface. The veritable who’s who of Boystown alumni. Money back guarantee one of these three is taking the Standard Bank Achiever 2010. Lured by this prestige and free entry, why not try inject some journalistic integrity into this whole jol, man? Fat guy said it was some kind of kinky goth bondage show in a familiar Umbilo bar filled with hazy memories.
He wasn’t covering it “cause he’d infiltrated some kind of Christian band camp”. I guess that pedo register doesn’t work in SA yet. I tried to invite my big, hot date from Maritzburg but you know how women are on short notice, she’d left her PVC panties in her friend’s car the weekend before.

Now I don’t know about goths, I’ve always believed, like a snow cone to a ten year old, there’s nothing in life a good cry and a wank can’t fix. But it was dark and the woman was gone. It was time to leave Yellowwood Park before the tik zombies started wandering the streets. To the pub!

In between bouts of heaving out the passenger window of the car while still brandishing swigs of his whiskey bottle, Mudbox Mike was shouting over his shoulder “LETS GET DRUGS!”. Too much masala on the chips again, and he hadn’t even eaten chips. But what do you expect from a toothless war veteran? Only the finest in drunken gibberish, young skyf and warm quarts; the oke is a river unto his people; in this case, a torrent of stomach lining. He’ll tell you himself. “No, don’t laugh, I’m no cheap date”, while cracking chunks of wing mirror off on his way out.

I was ready to journalize hard. The door lady (who Billy swears will be waiting at the gates of Hell when he arrives) is sitting at the door reading, probably Crime and Punishment. It took some rather heated verbal exchanges to persuade her that I was Mahala’s esteemed guest. How does Roger land all these hot projects? He’s probably up there at Christian Fest dressed in a nun’s habit trying to condemn the heterosexuality out of altar boys, staging mass wanks for redemption. Just-don’t-tell-your-parents situations. Lucky prick.

Inside The Winston was a strong contingent from the braai (that’s why I like Lu, he doesn’t phone you from the jol tuning ”no pull in there’s free beer and lose women” and like the poephol you are, you go, and every time it’s a sausage fest). There was a band, I’m sure, but being the seasoned pro-journo I am, I didn’t bother getting a name, that’s for beginners. I wanted more to know what the fuck was I doing here in the midst of men, people I consider my friends, who were in corsets and intricate eye make up. Tanya and Clint from Skin Trade seemed to be behind this whole public mutilation performance thing. Tanya issuing out piercings in backs and limbs, then tying red strand through the rings and connecting them to the stage and surrounds, immobilizing them during the course of the show and creating a static sculpture of bodies. Current pub manager Russell sat through about 40 piercings with a grin as devilish as a fat kid at a buffet. It made me think this ou doesn’t need a cry and a wank, he probably lubes with Deep Heat. Once the crowd overcame the initial sensation the whole process had a kinda calming ritual like vibe. It’s always good to see people doing different shit experimenting with how people perceive entertainment.

One concern that has to be raised is the question of hygiene; not to say that the Winston isn’t a 5 star venue, but I’ve walked in on the wrong toilet stall to find a man sized rat and a roach banging lines. It’s just not the type of place I’d take my 4 year old niece to get pierced. I think it bears testimony to the braveness/stupidity of the staff and patrons who were part of the jol. All ‘n all it gets Creepy’s both thumbs up. Hey check ya’ later.

Illustration © and courtesy Alastair Laird.

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RESPONSES (42)
  1. Anonymous says:

    o…k

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  2. y-aaaa-w-nnn says:

    was about to dislocate my jaws in response to the stream of bland drivel on mahala over the last few days… and then the creepster delivers this gem of social commentary. more please!

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  3. StereoTheist says:

    “a wank” …i read it twice in there somewhere and it’s all i remember. Nice line with ‘warm quarts and young skyf’ .But all i remember reading is… a wank.

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  4. Noooo says:

    “It made me think this ou doesn’t need a cry and a wank, he probably lubes with Deep Heat.”

    Brilliant, thanx for a good morning read 🙂

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  5. Jem says:

    Aint ya lucky Anonymous. You even got a credit this time.

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  6. Regal Regenald says:

    What you lack as a dj you make up for with your writing. You’re still a dick though.

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  7. mark-e-mark says:

    dude you are my hero
    a good cry and a wank…
    What else does one really need?

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  8. creepy steve says:

    i don’t lack shit as a dj asshole, i’ve got bookings coming out of my ears. and i’m not a writer

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  9. Jem says:

    i agree. ahem, creepy has a rather grand choice in tunes.

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  10. Zaz Thunder says:

    I haven’t laughed so hard in years fuck eks’e!

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  11. Robert says:

    I harken back to crazylegs and plastic chair throwing times gone by

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  12. creepy steve says:

    crazylegs those were heady times, watercooler gaining grounds. tulani finding vodka in the watercooler and ann stripping her moer sending out e-mails threatening “the usual suspects” bloody brilliant

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  13. Robert says:

    breakdancing in the charge office.. you cant make that shit up

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  14. creepy steve says:

    no that’ll fuck em… then the cuffs come out, what they don’t want to be friends?

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  15. Zaz Thunder says:

    Hahahahaha soma dat nostalgic shiyt!

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  16. Zac Zac says:

    Kif article bru. Especially liked the wank and cry and lubricates with deep heat bit. Gave me hope.

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  17. bill botes says:

    Lekker. Write more.

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  18. Captain Lombard says:

    Such rubbish. And the comments – it feels like this would have been more suitable for a school yearbook. Is the writer’s name really “Creepy”? This is all so depressingly mediocre.

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  19. bill botes says:

    Your girlfriend only knows him as Steve. Though creepy came up briefly with that ass tongue thing but she quickly forgot that.

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  20. where are we? news24? says:

    lekker, mahala comments section regressing…juveniles. such a witty retort to regal reginald regenald…went a long to refuting his “you’re still a dick” comment. you’re right, you’re not a writer. note to mahala….WRITERS PLEASE!!

    if this is the level of comment that creepy steve attracts, i suggest that you not provide him a forum

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  21. Adolf says:

    I’m with the word Gestapo on this one. Get Mahala back on track and make it the exclusive club a few want. And the comments … stop this freedom of expression bullshit. Steve must die.

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  22. Creepier says:

    You guys should go see a gig sometime, it’s social commentary that is for once funny.and it so happens that it is open to public scrutiny…take your stiff upper lip, holier than thou, oh so mature kak elsewhere. We have plenty of time to get old. Instead of being opinionated, prejudice or critical,Creepy’s style still shows respect to even the most excentric amongst us

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  23. creepy steve says:

    “if this is the level of comment that creepy steve attracts, i suggest that you not provide him a forum” -cap lombard

    sorry there will be more and please i suggest you take note of the name and don’t read it, if it upsets you

    “went a long to refuting his “you’re still a dick” comment. you’re right, you’re not a writer. note to mahala….WRITERS PLEASE!! ” -where are we? news24?

    if you’re unhappy with the quality of the content you’re welcome to contribute ,contact andy

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  24. Captain Lombard says:

    Yeah I am a bit unhappy with the quality – I can’t help it. I know what’s good. I don’t think I have a stiff upper lip or a holier than thou attitude either, or that good writing needs to be mature kak. Those arguments are all a bit immature. Same as saying that if I am unhappy with the quality why don’t I contribute. I never said I am a good writer – I just want to read good local writing. If you come up with that argument, why don’t you just put all your quality writing onto your blog or something – I don’t quite see the reason for publishing it onto Mahala. Though Mahala sadly is becoming more and more the vehicle for these kinds of writings, so maybe all is good in the world then.

    Anyway – I don’t want to be all negative. I just know that things could be a lot better. I’m just voicing it on this post – I could have voiced it on a lot of others. It’s really directed at Andy.

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  25. Nathan Zeno says:

    You can’t please all of the people all of the time.

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  26. pseudo grown up says:

    though i find the male bravado showy, i still think its entertainingly engaging and witty…and even warm…especially knowing these incestious winstoners intimately. write more. i lurrrv it.

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  27. creepy steve says:

    i think the captain needs to dry his mascara

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  28. Captain Lombard says:

    I know – all this lamenting. But I’ve had a wank and a cry, and I’m feeling much better now. Thank you.

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  29. Jason says:

    Illustration will save the world.

    You have another zine out yet, Alastair?

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  30. The guy in the corset (Lord JohntheButcher) says:

    Nice one creepy i fukn lold.

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  31. Fruitzilla says:

    Dear Kaptein Lombard & News24 –

    Lemme guess: you spend more time engrossed in avant-garde novels and cinema, and discussions thereof, than you do living life out in the real world. You were the odd ones out at school. Kids can be so cruel, can’t they? You’re the sensitive types, you know your Brecht from your Brel, your Spiegelman from your spiegeltents and when it comes to vigorous riposte, well now, they’d best have their ouvres on file and ready if they know what’s good for them. But you’ve showed them, you’re now able to flummox any philistine with reams of academic-grade reference, and have the bibliography to back up too. You know what’s good, and don’t mind pouring scorn on all you consider subpar. Damn, how those jocks must regret having picked on you now. If you carry on like this for much longer, why, one would imagine you’re heading straight for a sabbatical at the Bibliotheque Nationale De France any day now.

    Do yourselves a favour: go out, get drunk, get laid and taste real life, then re-read this, and other examples, of vernacular literature. Perhaps then you will appreciate that despite your restrictive and prescriptive ideas of what constitutes ‘writing’, the reality is that under a Constitution which guarantees free speech you are quite simply going to have to learn to stomach writing which you consider gauche, raw or indeed simply uncultured.

    Kisses,

    Fruitzilla

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  32. Fruitzilla says:

    p.s: Creepy you fuckin reprobate, I hope you’ve learnt to beat mix and you’d better be taking fucking care of the vinyl you inherited from Mr Webb.

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  33. creepy steve says:

    beat to beat mixing seems like it could be light years away before i’m enlightened,
    it’ll be ready for 2010 NOT!! “venecular” great word fruit!!

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  34. Moose says:

    Some funny lines, but with all the asides and the long-winded self referential setup

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  35. Moose says:

    Some funny lines, but with all the asides (In brackets) and the long-winded self referential setup (which only plays to the mahala writers) I couldn’t find a story.

    5 lines about some goths doing an art piece in a pub. The rest was what?

    Wouldn’t hurt for some o the Mahala writers to get off the gonzo bandwagon. Not everyone is hunter Thompson or Montle…

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  36. Yusuf says:

    “The Fresh Prince of Montclair” – classic.

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  37. Roger Young says:

    Not even Montle is Montle

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  38. creepy steve says:

    you’se okes make bloody good critics, why not submit a review of the article to mahala
    it would’nt hurt for you to eat a dick, moose (or a moose dick)

    Some funny lines
    I couldn’t find a story.
    5 lines about some goths doing an art piece in a pub. The rest was what?

    thats all there is wanker and you know what, it’s enough

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  39. Random bartender says:

    Creepy, I dug it and I’m not just saying that so that you’ll not tell me to eat a dick. And come on, there may be rats and roaches but they pay entrance more than you do!

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  40. sarah f says:

    Awesome article. Love the description of Russell, so on the button it really made me laugh.

    Nice illustrations too – does Alastair have a website? Can’t find one, but could just be that my googling skills are not up to scratch.

    Thanks for the laughs guys.

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  41. Alastair Laird says:

    My website is currently under construction, ma’m.

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  42. Pharmd403 says:

    Hello! eedeffa interesting eedeffa site! I’m really like it! Very, very eedeffa good!

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